hatha mama

Almost 5 Years--Feels like Yesterday Sometimes

2010-12-28T01:58:00.000-05:00

Breast cancer awareness month comes at my favorite time of year. I always loved the autumn growing up in Western New York, our summers are fantastic and the burst of autumn reds, yellows and umber are the finale in the fireworks of birth and death, apparent in our leaves. Autumn is my time for quiet reflection, walking alone in the woods of life, introspection, but now forever interrupted by the ever-visible pink ribbons of October.

On October 28, 2010, I was on my way to San Francisco, one of my favorite cities filled with memories from my youth. I remember being in my 20s and getting to know the entire city by bus, cable car and train. In the airport leaving Buffalo, leaving Breast Cancer Awareness month yet again, a zinger hits me and brings me back to my torture called a year with breast cancer. I want to refer to the following story as an act of poetic justice but find myself wishing that poetic justice was a simple haiku of an experience and hopefully it will become that but for know it is a monumental and striking moment in my life that bears a permanent scar on my body and soul.

The lady behind the USAirways counter was pleasant and helpful. She was attractive in a put together way that many women in their 40s maintain and I seem forever a day late for. As she was typing away at the keys to bring up my ticket my eyes were drawn to her flair and the pink ribbon pin in contrast to her gray and navy USAir uniform. It was striking and instantly drew my eyes in and focused my attention. I marveled at the color contrast hoping that I wouldn’t be sucked into thinking how the disease was personal to me, it’s rather egotistical anyway and really, I thought, why do I have to have an emotional reaction every time I see a pink ribbon. I tried to take in other parts of her flair and even her perfectly manicured nails with the maroon color and her diamond rings she had a few and her diamond, ruby and sapphire bracelet depicting the USA and the notion of patriotism gone too far could not bring me from reliving my cancer and thinking that I am a face to the ribbon. My hope in survival, going on 5 years come March is what is represented in the ribbon. That my clinging to the benchmark of 5 years is the statistical hope which often gets confused with a cure. We do have hope. We do have strength. We do have survivors. But we have no cure. I’m there. I’m thinking and living the real fear and strength and indeed poetic justice of a pink ribbon. Pink. I always hated pink. Not viscerally. I mean I didn’t mind it but it was not a go to color for me. Growing up my favorite color was blue. I loved blue. Everyone in my family had blue eyes and I loved everyone in my family and if the eyes are the gateway to the soul then I loved the color blue. It didn’t have anything to do with the fact that I was a tomboy or didn’t particularly enjoy engaging in Barbie Doll play and preferred sports. Though these things are true. I just liked blue. But I didn’t like pink because it was thrust on me as a girl and from a very young age I questioned and pushed up against these constructs of male and female.

So, back to my trip to SF and being at the ticket counter…Iwas thinking all this and mentally writing the discourse on pink ribbons from the survivor’s standpoint when after being pleasantly greeted by security I was ushered to the machine. I’d seen the machine plenty of times as I’d travelled frequently as part of one of my 3 jobs. But I was never told to stand with my hands like antlers as I was radiated with low fairly benign x-rays. I was in a panic. Not put in a machine again. Dammit where’s my ativan. “This is not fun for me. I’m a breast cancer survivor and I don’t want to enter a machine and be radiated.” I say in desperation and near panic. “You don’t have to do this maim.” “You don’t have to do this,” he says again as I instantly feel surrounded by security and stares. As I get my wits about me, I say, “Fine. I’d rather not go through this,” when I notice the young lady, an attractive petit blond woman who seemed apologetic as she said she would have to “gently” pat me down. AHHHHH! A touching instead? Panic gives way to sheer and utter despair at my post traumatic stress reaction to being touched and patted down. I’m brought right back to being trapped into being poked prodded, scaned and radiated. I remember nothing about anything more than one foot from my nose. I walked into the machine and put my hands on my head like antlers and hear in the background of my mind in a different place distant voices that are saying things like…”oh, you are going through the scanner then.” “One moment” “Wait” “OK done” And with a certain detachment I gather my belongings and race to a coffee and a seat and recovery. I’ve survived another breast cancer awareness month.

Sun Moon and Monterey

2009-10-24T00:16:00.003-04:00

Moon your cold darkness,
Indulgent in your want of light
Taking in the radiant goodness.
Sun your ever-giving brightness,
Never discriminating but simply giving your light and goodness.

Ramblings
Arrived at the MANA conference in Monterey, which is connected to my past, my bright, amazing, 20s when I fought fires for the Forest Service—this forest, The Los Padres National Forest. I remember the cabin near Pacific Valley Sta. and the amazing times I had visiting and being HERE!
I can here the waves of the Pacific.
I hate Breast Cancer Awareness Month (BCAM), kinda. I mean I want to appreciate and I do. I’m so glad that breast cancer as a cause gets a boat-load of attention, money, fundraising but the god-awful truth that motivates these events is the fact that more “young” women die of the disease than any other affliction. It kills old ladies too, at a faster rate. People are being ripped from loved ones before their time because of breast cancer … as a society we want to know why because we miss the women who’ve died. Susan G Komen, Joan Morrissey, Carolyn Shed. OK, yeah I had it and I didn’t die…thank anyone who’ll listen, including any and all Gods and Goddesses, Buddha too! I’m here but scarred. Literally and figuratively. Got the battle wounds to prove it.
And now, my mom, who thought it would be a good time to get her mammogram…her and hundreds of thousands of women…during BCAM. Had to go back the next day for the needle core boring biopsy to mine for that thing…the thing that we don’t know how to effectively stop. The thing that sucks enormous amounts of brain energy and money and funding ‘cause we really don’t get it…looking for something they find nothing (can’t call it the thing that begins with…c. ) but something that might one day turn into the thing that begins with…c .
She has something like displasia of some cells and she'll need a lumpectomy. Good news is that it's not cancer just pre-cancer cell growth. So they'll cut it out and hope that that's that.

I'm goin' t' school fer lernin', don't ya no.

2009-09-10T13:28:00.004-04:00

This Hatha Mama has taken a sharp zig in her zaged life. Staying at the awkward stage of challenge or as I'm learning the "zone of proximal development" (Vygotsky). Aren't we all life-time learners? I've got to go where I'm becoming and blossoming. And so I sit here in Graduate level courses in Education at my alma mater UB. Funny how we are drawn to those places that we need to be. Gently fluttering through life, like the give of wind by the supple branch. Whhhhhew! The branches seem to shimmer out as the blast comes and goes.

Anywho...I enjoy learning...and challenges and I'm finding it now. I have stopped teaching yoga in EA and instead have gone down to one class at my local community center "Yoga for 'Tweens" or Middle School Yoga. I can use them as a sweet little experiment as I pursue teaching to this age group and gee, who in the world doesn't love yoga. It's better than a sharp stick in the eye...I always say. I'll be needing one class myself to teach and keep me accountable to my commitment to students in this discipline. I made a promise.

Just the facts:

--Enrolled at UB in Education Department getting certified in Secondary Ed Science (Earth Science and possibly Life Sciences--I need to make it through this 18 credit semester)

--Going on two trips for Lansinoh this fall. I'm visiting my dear KD in Cali at MANA conference and I think we'll be met by our fabulous boss and friend G. This is work with major perks and quiet. Nothing better than a weekend in a hotel room for free.

--no IBCLC work except to teach a couple BF 101 classes down the street at Care Connection.

--Still have FIVE kids that I deal with on a daily basis. Love them all! They humble me frequently.

--In happy relationships with all family members. Here's hoping they all know how much I love and appreciate each and every one of them.

By the way...In my first grader, C's class they are doing a unit on families. What is a nuclear family? I'm seriously unsure myself under the circumstances....

Do what you do...

Samsara

2009-09-07T23:09:00.005-04:00

I've always wanted a good and clear explanation of samsara or suffering. It's something that I'm constantly hoping to avoid but is so ellusive in it's understanding and definition. Anyway, this came into my e-mail inbox, a quote by Trungpa Rinpoche.
Ocean of Dharma Quotes of the Week

September 2, 2009

THE PING PONG BALL OF FIXATION

The cause of samsara, or ultimate confusion, is holding on to vague
concepts. That is what is called fixation, or in Tibetan, dzinpa.
When we do not have clear perception, we must hang on to vagueness
and uncertainty. In doing so, we begin to behave like a Ping-Pong
ball, which does not possess any intelligence but only follows the
directions of the paddle....Whatever we do, our actions are not
perfectly right because, based on this neurotic game, we keep being
Ping-Ponged. Although it may appear that the Ping-Pong ball is
commanding the players, although it seems amazing that such a little
ball has so much power to direct the players' actions and even draw
spectators to watch it going back and forth -- actually, that is not
true. The Ping-Pong ball is just a ball. It does not have any
intelligence; it's just operating on reflex....As the Ping-Pong Ball,
you feel very dizzy and you ache all over your body because you've
been bounced back and forth so much. The sense of pain is enormous.
That is the definition of samsara, or confused existence.
From "Awakening and Blossoming," in THE TRUTH OF SUFFERING: and the
Path of Liberation, Pages 65 to 66.

And so the reminder to simply be still and not swayed by the mind or or one's environment is reiterated.

Sit
Be still
Breathe in
Breath out
There is no intellegence in reasoning life
Simply live
Be alive

Smashin' the Ego

2009-08-25T18:12:00.004-04:00

Did I mention that the universe made me stop in a fairly violent way recently? Well, I crashed into my karma one day when I was busy doing, going and gettin' things, too many things done. STOP. She shouted.
Stop.

Head on collision with stopped mass...car ruined...me fine but for a case of whiplash. I love my chiropractor and thank the Gods for yoga!

Look, listen and stop the madness.
Difficulty, conflict, illness and death are a part of life.
Breathe in...take in that which is good to your system...life giving oxygen and in that same breath be one with that which doesn't serve you....let it go and breathe out. Mourn and die. It is life and death in each breath. The pause is where each moment we either breathe again or not, to breathe again is life ... to stop death. So simple really.

In Buddhism the most poignant meditation, the one that will serve you well, is the death meditation because it is the thing that makes us all real. It is the only real and universal part of life. Death is inevitable.

So, in this stop. In your stops in life take a moment to evaluate and let go of the breath and life that doesn't serve you. For Hatha Mama, my stop was an opportunity to say goodbye to excessive giving. Do less for others and focus on my own well being....less teaching yoga, more doing yoga, less helping other families (less hours doing consults) and more focus on my family, less teaching others and more learning for me (thus the highly charged choice to go back to school for my Master's degree-yikes). Life is ever changing and quite a ride. Me-- I'm tryin' not to fight the flow of life. Being flexible like the trees in nature to weather's sometimes violent blow.

Foundation

2009-06-13T19:33:00.003-04:00

Leaving my marriage was the hardest thing and the easiest thing I've ever done. Hard because I'd made a promise, a commitment. I still miss the idea of being married to the husband of my children. Sometimes I have an overwhelming sadness of loss. Loss of what could have been. I wanted something that I could never have with him. Other times I have sadness because I know that his family thinks that I left him. But, the truth is that he left me years before I physically left him. It's hard to know what started first though. My disappointment in Paul or his dissatisfaction in me. It really doesn't matter. We were incompatible and miserable. Not always though. There were good times and I sometimes remember those times and I'm sad. I wish there were more of them and I wish that we were still together (and happy like we never were) for our kids.

Sometimes I'm talking to him about the kid's schedules, 'cause that's all we talk about now, and my eyes will tear because of the history that we shared that now is gone. There are pictures but history is something that's shared and he and I don't share anything but the kids now. Over 17 years of living with someone you develop a language and experiences. We were in the Peace Corps, had three kids, lived in 6 cities, had 3 dogs, one cat, hamsters, and shared many vacations. On some perverse level I miss him and our history. I only have to talk to him on the phone to realize that what I miss about him is a fantasy of what I hoped for when I made the promise to marry him. I'd hoped he'd change. Marrying someone with potential is always a bad idea.

But, now I'm old with lots of history and starting over. Creating a new life for myself, new ways of relating with the person that I live with, learning from mistakes and trying to open myself to love and light and joy.

Meditating

2009-04-28T23:27:00.005-04:00

There is a darkness each day. What some may call evil in their feeble attempts to just "be good", be a "non-sinner", or be perfect. This is horrible misinformation. I think the universe likes you to just pick up the subtle moments of darkness each moment and if you don't take these moment to just be, sit and breathe it in...whatever darkness there is right now--now is night...the rug will be pulled from under you and you will be forced to sit by watching your feet get lifted and your ass be smashed down so you can stop. Stop and see. See the shortness in your voice when you want to be left alone rather then meet someone else's needs, see the pain and fear of someday losing a loved one, see the goodbyes and heartbreak, the lies, the inability to ever be completely free of ego, the mistreatment of our planet...see it all. Be quiet, sit and be....to be able to see.

The Dark

2009-04-23T09:34:00.003-04:00

The moon is about to say no to the sun. Waning and letting go of the light, the brightness the sun. There are dark days.

Hatha Mama is having a hard time reconciling the darkness that can come to those who attempt to live in the light. A sweet friend...who is just filled with joy and light...is being blamed for her boyfriend's suicide on Tue because she was the last person to talk to him and they had an argument.

I find this act so dark and desperate and cowardly. I am filled with anger and confusion and am finding it hard to be compassionate for this man. The imagery and symbolism surrounding the act also fills me with horror. He hung himself in his backyard on the willow tree that had fallen over. His 15 year old son found him. I know that this may be too much to take...to even read the words. It's just awful. But, it is. Lean into the point, feel the horror. There is darkness in this life and in this world and in me and you. We must own our shadow, be with it and show loving kindness to all things and all people. And this is the hard part...to be open and present to it all.

I am saddened to the core.

Random stuff

2009-04-05T21:53:00.000-04:00

Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense.
--Rumi

I just love this quote.

My life is perfect right now.

There are some people that I wish I could spend more time with. Betsy, Scott, Donna, Kay, Kathy, Nancy, Maureen, Kim, Mary, Aunt Barb, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Patty, Kim O, Christina, Nikia,... Do you all know that I love you?

I did Shambhala Level III recently.

Gently raise your gaze
See me
This world, this moment
Take it ALL in

Here's what I'm working on...
Seeing each of the children as perfect at least once each day. Perfect JUST as they are. Not easy.

Just for fun...here are words to describe each girl...
R-kind, loving, perceptive
G-smart, funny, leader
E-smart, responsible, funny
J-sweet, silly, creative
C-Joyful, athletic, intuitive

I'm Not a Moron

2009-03-17T21:47:00.002-04:00

I have five kids in five different Girl Scout troops. And I'm the leader for my youngest's Daisy troop. One of the girls is in a troop with a leader who is one of those Mom's that doesn't get it that sometimes the first thing on my mind is NOT the Brownie troop and all the permission slips and crap that is asked of the parents. In fact, this stuff is never the first thing on my mind.

Tonight I was asked to lead the badge portion of the Brownie meeting. I did the "My Body" badge and, of course, did yoga with the second graders. They loved it and did such a super job. I was focused on preparing for this all day. What I failed to do was bring in the paperwork for the next couple of field trips. The leader, who is always annoyed with me, gave me big time attitude. I asked if I could bring the forms to her house, which is what I do frequently. I'm always rushing to get her what she needs. It's really hard for me to remember all these details. I've never really made excuses but I do try to laugh about it. I make jokes about being a special needs mom. Really though, it's embarrassing. I feel stupid.

Well, this woman says to me, while huffing and puffing and giving me an attitude that she does everything she can to make it "Moron Proof" and then she looks at me like...Hello Moron.

I was shocked. This woman was calling me a moron. I left the meeting and went the two blocks home to get the papers in the 5 minutes I had before the meeting. And I started thinking ... damn this woman. I have not been the same since chemo 2 1/2 years ago. It really has had an effect on my memory. I'm not good at remembering things and it's a new phenomenon. Again, I don't want to make excuses but this woman has just called me a moron.

So, I went back to meeting and told her how I felt and that I wasn't a moron and in fact I think that part of it is due to being brain damaged by chemo. I just couldn't let it go. She inhaled and couldn't believe that I was confronting her. Also, I just said it in front of the other mothers mingling around. I'm not going to put up with this.

Oh, and she had to e-mail me later that night because I wrote the check for the wrong amount. Ooops.

Stolen Moment

2009-02-20T19:42:00.002-05:00

I love to write. It is such a moment of sweet indulgence when I can get out and on paper some ideas and thoughts and emotions that knock around in the ole' noggin. It has been a form of meditation. A time to focus on the exhale of all those ideas and emotions in the form of words on a paper or cyber space as it may be. I relish in this and love taking time to indulge in it's sweet nectar of self centeredness and self absorption. My time has been so limited lately. I find so few moments to think without interruption. As it is, I have the two little ones in the grips of the drug called TV for a stolen moment. Any minute the rest of the gang will come barging in with ski gear and hungry tummies and well, Mom typing out a glimpse of something interesting would NOT go over well. Mom!!!!! And so I sit...this moment and breathe in the reality of my life. Marveling at the plan that has been laid out for us all. You and me. Brought together at this instance.

When I think of you, I want to send you peace. Life is so damn short ...

I have held crazy grudges. It's in my genes. Us Irish...well, we never forget. Everything I do is an effort to keep my heart soft and to send love. I know that the place of grudges is a place of dis-EASE. I want Easy. And it is so easy really.

Loving. What's hard about that?

Well...there's a story. A love story. What's hard about love? Why don't we always choose loving kindness? To see it in all that is and was and will be. Everything is as it should be now. Trusting in what is rather than going off on the coaster ride of the pesky little mind and it's constant incessant ego talk.

Shambhala Level III training is at the end of March. I'm looking forward to it.

Meanwhile I'm doing plenty of sitting but could always use more. I'm teaching 4 yoga classes per week. Prenatal, a resorative/gentle class and an All Levels class. I love to be in this service of teaching yoga. I'm also so grateful to the facility that I teach at a center of healing. In fact, the name has changes to Healing Waters--Center for Yoga, Health and Mindful Living.

The truck just pulled in...I hope to do a blog entry soon on the business of teaching yoga.

i'm not the type to get upset and cry 'cause I never leave my heart open

2009-02-11T17:09:00.003-05:00

I've had a very rough couple of weeks. I'm feeling very tired of things.

First, I found out that Erie County, the county that I live in, has decided in their infinite wisdom to drop WIC and hope that another agency picks it up. It is a federally funded service but the county can't afford to pay for benefits for WICs 40 employees. This city and county is hurting. The Buffalo Public schools have 97% of their student body receiving reduced priced lunches. This is poor city. How can they do this?

Josie's teacher and the special needs teacher in her class called me last week. She is disrupting the class by requiring lots of adult interaction and crying for silly reasons. She does cry a lot and she is fairly immature. I struggle frequently with how to best deal with this. I am a fairly experienced parent and I've been frustrated immensely by this child. She can be very stubborn and according to her Aunt (who loves her dearly) she can be manipulative. It is her nature. The thing that is most frustrating is that I'm new in this child's life. If my child were like this it would be easier to "know" what to do or maybe I just wouldn't question myself as much. There is a LOT of stigma being a step mother. About now you may be asking, "What is Dad doing about this?". Dad's response is to get frustrated by her immaturity and just do or tell her what to do OR he yells in frustration saying things like, "Josie, what are you thinking?". Not very productive. It's a tough situation. Now, he's trying to step back a bit and see if maybe I can do something different. This is taking a lot of my emotional energy. It requires so much time to correct the inappropriate behavior. I really just want it to go away. We are both very frustrated.

I did Shambhala Level II training at the end of Jan. This training was about fearlessness. To be fearless, one must face their fears. So, I spent hours in quiet contemplation facing my most intimate fears. ugh. There are the obvious fears...death, recurrence, injuries etc. But, here's a fear. The fear of judgement. That I'm judging of others AND myself and that when I remove the distractions of everyday life and am quiet with myself that I may not like who I am. The truth is that we are all flawed and that all judgements of others DO reflect on us. I'm not liking myself these days. I'm highly conscience of my impatient ways, the slight sarcasm in my voice, the times when I less than honest.

Just a Quote

2009-01-06T21:09:00.003-05:00

“When we can accept all of life’s contradictions, when we can comfortably flow between the banks of pleasure and pain, experiencing them both while getting stuck in neither, then we are free.”Deepak Chopra

Listening

2008-12-11T14:08:00.004-05:00

So, I'm getting ready to teach a class tonight. Another breastfeeding, newborn care class. It's with my Prenatal Yoga Class. It's the Partner Class. They'll bring in their partners, moms, aunts, friends, whomever will be close to them after baby is born. I've taught a variation of this class for 13 years at least once a month. It's sometimes with partners and other times it's just Mom. At this point I teach a half dozen classes per month to new parents. I do find that much of the message is the same. I am always looking for different ways to express the same thing really. And today it occured to me that what I'm teaching is how to listen to your children. How to shut the hell up and listen to your child. I'm often drawn to hold some of the babies that come to me for "breastfeeding help" and I'll look in their eyes, quiet myself listen and let them know that it's alright at somepoint they'll stop to listen to you. I know a Grandma the frequently says she really doesn't like them when they're babies. She likes them when they can talk. Literally, and left brained we think talk is the only form of communication. If we are going to evolve as a species we need to use our whole brain...talk is one way to communicate, YESSSS, but what of touch, movement, and the brain in the belly, our guts and intuition. I need my kids to think outside of the box that I and my brethren have provided for them.

They will tell you everything. Indeed, they're the smart ones. Our job is to get out of our own way and surrender to each child's innate and highly unique inner-me. Not try to mold, change, or grow them up. They do this more often in spite of us.

Just being quiet and listening. Parenting is a meditation of surrender. Allowing ourselves to just be with the situation, the rhythm of breastfeeding and a newborn. We are meant to be in-sync with a new babies to sleep when they sleep, keep them in the loving protection of the arms of the mamma bear. They may not have words now or when they're born. By quieting ourselves, breathing calming, meditative hormones throughout our body and simply being with the spirit of our children JUST as they are NOW. This is parenting. Quieting, listening and truly hearing their song.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T22:00:00.001-05:00

From my family to your family.

Have a joyful day.

Will I Stop Short and Fall to the Ground

2008-11-15T11:15:00.004-05:00

Life is enormous.
My life alone
Forever linked to all of you
What you do
What you think
We make the world
As simple as that
The effort to wake each morning and say
Yes

Yes to it all
The dirty toilet
Dishes again
Immaturity and Pettiness
Love and Beauty
Bein' Late
Running
Anxious
Toteing the world along
Carry this
Bring that
Do this
Make that

Taking the time for quiet and stillness
Dissappointment
Is insanity
Being at peace with that
The anger, the emotion
Saying yes to it all
Yes, it is.

Parenting one of my many hats
The meditation in that
Living with FIVE distinct, unique
Individuals
With lifetimes of patterns
Making space
In the heart and mind for all to be
Saying Yes
In my heart

Hearing the Dad in the store
Screaming at the kid to
Stop whining
Everything we say and do is about US
When I want to tell the kids to DO something
Verbage
Be still, Quiet
Turn it around
Stop whining
Takes on a different meaning

Race for the Finish

2008-11-04T14:30:00.003-05:00

Nearly 40 years ago my Grandmother was forced to confront her racism. My Aunt Kathy adopted a baby from Africa. He was a sweet brown bundle of love. My Grandmother couldn't deny the beauty in this child and in her way connected this beauty to being less "Black" because he was light skinned. My Grandmother died a few short years after she met her brown grandson. She had breast cancer. She was 46 years old.

When I voted today an ancient woman looked up my name in the photocopied book of registered voters. Her shaky, wrinkled hand searching, confused by my bizarre name. It's hyphened...Oh??... I could see her wondering, why on earth a young (yes, I believe she thought my gray haired self was young--that's how old she was) lady wouldn't find honor in taking her husband's name. And it occurred to me that this woman LIVED to see an African American become President of the USA. My Grandma and Barack's Grandma won't watch the polls tonight and learn that history has been made. That woman remembers segregation, lynching, freely spewed racial slurs...Oh, my God, she was so old she may have personally know a former slave.

Change. What are the real changes that we will face... How will the scales of racism be tipped? In what ways will my white brothers and sisters react? I heard a young lady at the mall say she didn't want to vote for Obama because he was just going to be assassinated in the next few months.

My Mother and Aunties have been community organizers working to battle racism, sexism, and classism for decades. My Mother is a Democrat...big time! It is her party and she is proud to have been part of bringing both a woman and a man as potential candidates for this election. She has completely supported her party. She has travelled to another swing state to speak to individuals gathering support and momentum for this moment. The precipice of change. It will be the Democrats who MUST break that glass ceiling. Those damn dumb Republicans ...they come in at the final hour and present their bi-atch. Their Woe-man. She is not a WOMAN.

Day of Change!!

2008-11-04T11:38:00.005-05:00

I am so excited! I'm a buzz at the potential change in our government. I'm hopeful that I'll have an African American president.

President Barack Obama

Om, Om, Om

It is so deep that his Grandmother died this day. Life and death are so linked to what is going on around us. It is not this random event. It is in our cells decided before we are born. There is a force greater than me.

I'm busy preparing to teach a Doula training this weekend with Eileen, the local homebirth midwife. I'm looking forward to it. Buffalo needs an infusion of women who think differently about birth, who can support and nurture our community and our birthing families.

Halloween was a blast. I dressed as the Bride of Darkness.

I'm Voting Republican!

2008-10-02T23:16:00.001-04:00

New way to meditate

2008-09-21T22:43:00.004-04:00

Did Level I Shambala Workshop--The Art of being Human
Intense and lovely. Keeping me on point.

Bold Compassion for Soft Being

Pathetic flawed like all the rest
I drink my wine and laugh, happy and joyous
Of it all
Of everything, every smell I've smelled
Each memory including the ones that rarely see the eastern sun
So painful and sharp
I lean into them and choose to
Be cheerful
Because I care less about fretting over
Past discretions, future foibles and instead
Breathe this moment
A new and fresh smell for the asking
Over and over
Sweet human being that I am

Toes cold this night as fall brings the anticipation of
Covered earth
White and pure
The snow will come
Like this breath
And this one
Like ocean's waves
I bring my attention to the out breath
Pushing to shore
Receding with nerry a thought

There is a basic goodness
And I've caught a glimpse

Wishing you all everything you hope for...
My prayer tonight is for you.

Santosh (Joy)

2008-07-12T09:31:00.004-04:00

Bonus Kids

2008-07-11T23:37:00.005-04:00

It's been a little tough to write lately. I guess I've been busy. Life has been full lately. But more than that I've been in my life rather than observing my life and documenting it regularly. I just don't want to stop living. I've been fully in it. That's a good thing. I love Joel. He is everything to me. I love my new girls too.

Genevieve, Gigi, is 10. She just had her birthday. Her and Erin are two peas in a pod. They have their own way about them. They're both slightly nerdy. They get caught up in their own world. They truly enjoy one another. And rarely to they get on each others nerves. Even if they did annoy one another I don't think they would fight out load. It's their way. Gigi loves to read A LOT. The girl devours books. She's reading The City of Ember series and starting Harry Potter. She doesn't talk much about feelings though I have at times encouraged her to. Simple things first. She seems to be doing well with everything and has developed some nice coping methods which tend to keep her happy and even. She is a sweet girl still though I can almost see the girl leaving both her AND Erin.

Rachel is growing up VERY fast. ugh. This is a typical look from her.

Sometimes she's sweet as can be and other times she's the devil's spawn. She seems to be a normal, well adjusted almost teen-ager. She'll be 13 in 2 1/2 months.

Josephine, Josie, is 6 years old. She is going into 2nd grade. She is a sweet cuddle muffin. She loves to snuggle. She's very artistic and dramatic. She freely loves me as I do her.

Celia is going to kindergarten next year. Her last day of preschool she fell at school and needed to go to the emergency room for stitches. Crazy kid. She is so much fun.

Joel and his girls have left for their much anticipated cross country trip. I miss them dearly. But I am so glad they have this time with one another. My girls are at their father's this weekend, though, I'm looking forward to spending time with just my girls next week.

2008-05-06T16:34:00.005-04:00

I'm sitting in a new house, in a new life. It's a huge, enormous and complete change. And I still have a deep sence of calm about it. So often, in my old life I would have a heavy and uneasy feeling in my gut. Although, everything in this new life isn't always roses and puppy dog tails, I do have complete confidence and joy knowing that this is the place for me. This is the place I'd longed for in my spirit. I've arrived.

I have five daughters now. They bring me enormous joy and a s***load of work. Keeping track of each of their needs both physically and emotionally is draining but joyous. I love them each. They are distinctly different.

I am very busy moving in and adjusting to my new role as mother of 5 girls and just spending time loving Joel. Life is good.

hmmm

2008-04-19T20:15:00.001-04:00

Your Birthdate: January 27

You are a spiritual soul - a person who tries to find meaning in everything.

You spend a good amount of time meditating, trying to figure out life.

Helping others is also important to you. You enjoy social activities with that goal.

You are very generous and giving. Yet you expect very little in return.

Your strength: Getting along with anyone and everyone

Your weakness: Needing a good amount of downtime to recharge

Your power color: Cobalt blue

Your power symbol: Dove

Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Separate

2008-04-18T08:26:00.000-04:00

He's actually quite relieved, I think. He doesn't say much and hasn't been known to express himself in the past. But, it seems that I was the one that needed to make this happen. I mean, he'd asked me several times throughout our time together. He wanted to be apart but I don't think he knew how it could happen. We probably would have split earlier but cancer came a knockin'. Really, I'm glad. I needed that experience. I needed to be with him a little longer. I needed to change. I needed to wait. I needed to meet Joel.

Today we get the contract/agreement and we need to spend the weekend with it and then on Monday we sign the separation agreement. Then we'll be legally separated. The kids and I will be moving in with Joel shortly after that. The kids are doing well. Really, their lives won't change too much. As I've said before, the one thing that we did and do well is parent the kids and we will continue to do that. They will go to the same school. We'll be moving to a more kid friendly neighborhood and they will live in a home full of joy rather than sorrow and regret.

I'm well. And I hope that you are all well too. I love you all.

News from WNY

2008-04-15T15:30:00.005-04:00

Hmmmm. You little lurkers...who don't leave public comments but are anxiously awaiting news, contacting me in other ways, and in grocery stores meeting up and discussing a twitter or as my friend Joan would say as she rubbed her palms together in front of her face...."what's the scam news".

It's fun to hear about our fellow planet members cruisin' through life...growing, healing, seeing the perfection in all that life throws us.

Joanie, you may remember was my friend in my wellness group at Gilda's. I remember sharing my new found favorite book with her..."cancer made me a shallower person". Damn, we were both saddened by Mariam, the authors, death because of stupid ole' cancer. Anyway, Joanie died too from stupid ole' cancer and it pisses me off 'cause why am I here as a lone ole' cowgirl singin' the survivor blues.

Past blog about Joan...my friend...my fellow survivor...

Anyway, I'm so grateful to her. Thank you, Joanie for giving me the gift of keeping your memory alive and loving your family--Joel, Gigi, and Josie. How can I ever thank you...with each damn tamoxifen I take, with each scan, watch me take down cancer, kickin' it's skinny, slimy, mother f....ing ass.

JAM

2008-04-12T09:03:00.003-04:00

My marriage wasn't filled with love. It's ok. I'm so happy that I met Paul, that he is in my life and that we brought forth 3 beautiful children. But, often it felt as though my marriage, my relationship with Paul was about constantly shoving my right foot in the left shoe. After time this was annoying and caused pain. Paul, especially, has wanted out for some time. I could go into the details of the difficulties in our marriage but it doesn't seem worth it. But, now we can "love" one another the way we always have without the pressure of knowing that that love wasn't the love of husband and wife. We are, in general, getting along much better now. But, for years we haven't lived as I know that God intended a husband and wife to live. Indeed, Paul is very happy that I have found "true love".

It certainly wasn't my goal or intention but a force beyond me and within me brought me to the person who I've wanted and somehow cosmically known my whole life. It was a gradual awakening. We became friends and each day I found that I wanted to share more with him. Until, one day I realized that like a freight train I couldn't stop my heart from bursting out of my chest and meeting his heart. Loving completely, authentically and unconditionally. If I were reading this, I might be harumphing at the glibness. I mean, come on.... But, I am in love for the first time in my life. This is no light statement. It is a bitter reality that I have been in a 17 year relationship, had 3 children and neither of us LOVED one another. I mean we "loved" one another like in Fiddler on the Roof...do you love me? yes, i love you. for 21 years i've washed your clothes, milked the cow, blah blah blah....yes, i love you.

But, what I've found with Joel is a connection of the heart. An emotional and spiritual connection that I couldn't live another day without.

Finally

2008-04-08T06:04:00.004-04:00

Paul and I are ending our marriage. This is not a new idea...we've had a tumultuous and tenuous relationship. In general, we are both relieved. It is difficult because like a friend described, our marriage is like two thorny bushes that have grown together for 17 years and pulling it apart can be painful.

We told the kids. That was hard but with time I believe that everything will settle into normalcy.

I want to leave it there....my marriage is over.

More to come....

Grief

2008-03-28T14:52:00.006-04:00

I don't claim to know everything about grief but what I do know is that everyone is different in the manner with which they will deal with the intense emotion. I've been blessed to be around a number of people at the end of their lives facing death. In our wellness group at Gilda's behind the double doors in the orange room I found a safe place where a group of people all diagnosed with cancer could talk about cancer. We've all heard the words, "I'm sorry Mrs/Mr X but you have CANCER.". At this point we all have to come to terms with the reality of mortality. Yes, we're all gonna die. And when you have cancer, when you have the scars physically and emotionally of this disease you just can't talk freely around your family or friends about cancer. I mean, sure you CAN. But, when you're in that room and you ALL have this thing in common you can speak freely and honestly in a way that you never could with friends and family. Friends and family are often caught in a cycle of their OWN grief and cannot support the person with cancer the way that they need. So, every week there is a group of very different individuals that gets together in that orange room and they laugh, cry and are honest about their LIVES about living with cancer. I think that we would all agree that we could not have met the challenges of cancer without these people. I love and loved everyone of them in a way that I didn't know I could love another. Pure love. Non-judging, no expectations and unconditionally.

So in the process of learning this Pure Love what I learned was that we can have compassion without ownership. What I mean is that someone elses death, someone elses disease is NOT mine to hold on to and integrate into my psyche. That is the difference in the orange room. We know that. We're not always perfect in integrating this difficult concept but we do understand it differently then untainted folks.

Renewal

2008-03-21T03:11:00.002-04:00

So, I'm on this journey...you know the life journey...and I'm just muddling through and finding my way. I try to follow certain principles but sometimes the path isn't a clear path and well, do we need to stay on the beaten path. I mean, isn't it ok to blaze your own trail?

I want God or the Divine in my life always. But, God for me isn't about sitting down in a pew and genuflecting to God in the form of the miracle of the holy host. My God is so much bigger and present EVERYWHERE.

Somewhere I read that you'll know God because it will taste sweet...or be similar to that feeling. When I quiet myself and come to life without expectation or judgment I see and feel the sweetness of God in the form of my children's smiling faces among so many other things. Or I see God in the form of a touch from someone I love or breathing close to the person I love.

Along the way I realized that I needed to cultivate joy in my life if I was to become healthy. I do believe that the self cultivation of joy can only be met by joy in the world, the environment around you. So watch out...when you start this work...because like the snowball effect it will grow to the point that joy will pick you up and hurtle you through life with unbridled abandon.

Bone scan negative...thank you God.

Wednesday's Wonder

2008-03-12T14:01:00.004-04:00

Turbulant balance
I'm dancing and flitting
Watching this and that
While reaching into the depths of the earth
Grounded
Reaching out to the universe
I'm quiet and loud
I'm a spiritual being who needs to be loved and touched
I am this body
I'm not this body
I am this mind
I'm not this mind
Meet me today and you'll meet an angry bitch
Meet me today and you'll meet a princess
Right is this way
Wrong is that way
I go both ways
And bring my shadow with me

Snowing in Buffalo

2008-02-27T17:15:00.005-05:00

I've been busy doing other things...rather than blogging. And that's good. However, I do enjoy the quiet lazy dayz that involve showering late, reading, meditating, wearing my robe late into the day, and thinking or not thinking about what I want to say, dream and bring into my life. Renumerate. After a yoga class this morning I had "that" afternoon...and so now I sit, showered and clean after a lazy afternoon.

Back from vacation. We went to Southern California...enjoyed Santa Barbara, hiking and even saw the lunar eclipse while laying in a king sized bed in a beautiful cabin in the woods; we watched the moon arc and change through the window in the eves. Wow. It was magical. We all enjoyed ourselves, however, Paul may have had the best time of all. That man needed a vacation.

We visited our dear friends and it was good to connect. Give hugs and be reminded that we all love one another. Celia didn't remember them much and it was good for her to re-meet the 5 kids. I needed to see and be with my friend. She is my sister, my chosen sister. She has known me for over 10 years, we've been through much. She reminds me of who I am, who I was and who I will be. I love her and her family.

I came home and spent two days in bed. I was sick. I got a cold and couldn't keep going. I had to stop. I'm feeling better now. I feel cleansed.

I went to look at some property for the birth center in Buffalo today. It's a nice space. A 5000+/- sq ft Victorian Home in the Elmwood district. Gorgeous. I have many suggestions and ideas and thoughts. However, this is not MY space. This is clear. I hope to support these 3 women in their efforts at the level that they've opened up to me. I see some organizational issues, there is not a lot of experience among the group. There is an organizational vacuum and I know how to fill it with the skills and effort that it will take but I can't take on that WHOLE job. Not now...I don't need this experience. When they offered me the VP position on the board one of the guys (the midwife's hubby) said, "It'll look good on your resume.". Dang, I don't need anything like this on my resume...my resume is filled with positions like this. I need to work...not as a volunteer...but to make money to support my family. I've done enough volunteer work in my life. It is a struggle though...to do as little as possible to bring me out of balance. And let's be honest...when you're after a buck it's hard to stay balanced. Yoga is good but it doesn't pay the bills.

I feel melancholic today. I have to get a bone scan on Friday. I've had some pain in my ribs in the area that I had radiated. My friend with stage 4 colon cancer has had lots of radiation and she thinks it might be pain from radiation...but it's been there for 6 months... and it's getting worse. Now, it could be the fact that I've had a cold and been coughing. The radiation compromises the bone and I may have broken an already sore rib, maybe. Or it could be nothing. Or it could be metastatic breast cancer that has spread to my bones. Anyway, I have to have a bone scan and another x-ray of my ribs. Yes, this is still a thing in my life. There were these "bad" cells and they cut them out and scorched and burned me to make sure they were all gone... but they still spend a lot of time looking out for a stray nasty cell. This cancer thing is like my diving bell...me, I want to be dreaming of butterflies and spring mornings.

Om tare tuttare ture svaha

2008-02-15T11:05:00.003-05:00

Turn off the TV.
Images are powerful,
No massacres, or blood pumping sliced arteries for me.
Chanting the ancient sanskrit words to virgin ears,
It connects with something, with God.
Do you hear it?
It's dim at first and then you start hearing the truth.
What is real.
And you can't help but become intune
At that frequency where lies
You, your connection with the all,
The divine.
Getting closer, bringing the
Thing into your life that you need,
God in the form of
your Journey.
Oh, Joy in each precious moment,
only then,
we've only this breath,
this breath.

I finished my first workshop of Prenatal Yoga classes last night. It was wonderful. Many women will continue...others are going on to have their baby's. Hopefully with a small connection/a glimps of a vibration that they will summon again, when they're stripped of the unreal during the intensity, the surge of birth. That's all...oh, simple, pathetic, trembling me, who has nothing. With courage and in a stupor I strip it down and attempt to bring you to a place I only sometime glimpse. Indeed, it is the experience of yoga that helps me...this is work? Crazy.

I taught the beginner class yesterday too. I taught the inversion. They were beautiful exploring space, challenging themselves. I'll teach the big kids on Sat and I have a fun filled 1 1/2 hours planned! Oh, joy.

Check out this Green Tara Chant on mp3.

http://www.wildmind.org/mantras/figures/greentara

Sorry, I can't link to it...somethin's up with my 'puter or blogger. I'll try later

Yes we can

2008-02-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

I voted for Barack Obama. In Hillary's state I want it known that Barack Obama took the majority of the vote in Buffalo and western NY. A depressed part of the country that has been neglected by most including Hillary who promised much and provided little except just enough support and change to get elected. Her ambition, her motivation.

I want Barack Obama to be our next President. I want to change our need for NOT CHANGING. We don't need to be at the mercy of the few, the rich, the powerful. We are ONE! Yes we can.

What tha'

2008-02-01T10:59:00.000-05:00

I want to retract my last post's statement the Hillary is "the Man". Hillary is a woman. On the trail recently she was giving a speech and there was a persistent heckler, screaming, "Iron my shirt!" "Iron my shirt!" "Iron my shirt". She paused and said calmly, "This is another reason why it's time for me to be president.". As I said earlier, I do believe that she will be president and I'm glad. Why didn't we hear anything in the news about THIS! I want to believe that if there was an idiot screaming "Pick my cotton" at Barack Obama it would infuriate and appall the public. Am I naive? I don't know. As a woman who works with women and been witness to the persistent degrading of a woman's innate power through birth, baby's cut from their mothers, ripping families from the power of birth by a corrupt and disillusioned medical system, I can tell you that we're not moving forward in our respect for women.

Anyway, we're about to have a change, a shakedown. Is Hillary's presidency always going to be a "woman thing"? Will she constantly be proving herself at each turn? If it's Barack will it be a "black thing"? Either way it will be interesting.

Birthday Blues and my Prediction for 2008

2008-01-29T13:00:00.001-05:00

I actually had a party...a celebration. It was a celebration for me...my birthday and also my graduation from yoga teacher training. Those who know me, know that this is me coming out of my comfort zone of wearing pajamas on the b-day and watching a movie at home, writing in something drippy in my journal and getting take-out. I remember crying on my 10th birthday because I was "old". I always get a tad sappy. Flash, a psychic in Florida, told me that we get a new aura each birthday and during this "change of aura" we are extra vulnerable and feel fragile.

Anyway, I had a party. It was fun and I'm set for celebrating myself for another 42 years. When I hit 84, I'm definitely having another party!!!

2008
Hillary president. Not because I'm going to vote for her...to me she's just "the Man". But, I saw it. She will be our next President. And yes, I did predict Bush and I saw the war in Iraq, the year before he took office. Also, we're going to have a global tragedy in 2011 during her time in office and Hillary will have to find her softer side in order to make a global shift in our world's consciousness to a more "we are one" attitude.

ahhh

2008-01-21T11:29:00.000-05:00

Weekend of endings/beginnings.
Almost lifetime of searching for the thing.
The thing that cannot be named.
Somehow caught a glimpse in Yoga.
Named Yoga.
Hatha Yoga.
Ha - Sun
Tha - Moon
Yoga - yoke
That thing that brings it all together.
Drawing like a vortex or tornado...
Everything in - hale
Everything exhale
Dispersed like seeds, touching the heart to be nurtured and grow.
The seed has been planted.
The plant grown and now
Enjoy the fruits
In Joy - Santosh
Finding the joy in the awkward exposure of intimate self
Through a poem, blog, me
Being authentic.
Without the defence -- doing my dharma
My drama
That may bring up things in you
"I can't take a migraine. I don't know how you did it, Barb."
Same way.
I wish I'd have been able to do this growth, learn from a migraine.
But I needed to be brought to my knees.
Genuflect.
Honor that thing in your heart and mine.
That thing everywhere in everything.
Every experience.
Mundane to dramatic.

Yoga Ma Teacher Training.
Officially over.
I'm a teacher of this ancient tradition
The thing that always was,
Always is,
And always will be.
Om

Cancer Doesn't Sleep In

2008-01-15T15:20:00.000-05:00

Bob died. He was a sweet man that showed up for our wellness group at Gilda's. He was a funny guy. I liked him. His funeral was this weekend and I couldn't get there, though I wish I could have. I have a lot that takes my emotional energy. And my family gets the first overflow. If I were to give more this last week it would have been pulling from my reserves. I need to give from the overflow not pull from my being. Which sometimes is hard, especially as life gets busy.

Today I was exhausted. I stayed up too late reading the Yoga Sutras in preparation for my exam this weekend. I just wanted to sleep a little later than usual. My alarm is set for 6:15. When I got out of bed at 7:30 the house was chaotic. I'm needed...life is better when I'm present and it is a delicate balance between meeting the needs of my family and making sure my needs are met too.

Anyway...cheers to Bob. Another wonderful soul drawn too quickly from his family into the vastness of God. May he find infinite bliss. He deserves it.

just stuff

2008-01-10T21:11:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow afternoon I visit my oncologist for my friendly 4 month visit. I had a chest x-ray on Monday to make sure there isn't anything in the bones, Doc will let me know how it looks tomorrow. My last mammogram was clean.

I have had lots of signs of stress leading up to the damn appointment. Tension and pain up and down my left side. Of course, I immediately think it's cancer. Had a massage and went to the chiropractor and it seems better but ugh, I want tomorrow to be over.

I'm embarrassed that I have such a hard time getting to the doctors when, for the most part, I've had very good news each time. But, I'm post traumatic stress sister and nearly need adivan to walk in the door. Will this end?

My Luna Yoga class is going well. I teach on Wed mornings and have had a small group show up each class. It's terrifying and wonderful. The owner of the studio came to my last class and gave me excellent feedback. It feels good.

This weekend is Celia's 5th birthday. My baby! I can't believe it.

A Nice Cleanse

2007-12-31T09:29:00.000-05:00

I have been in my element. I love doing life...the holidays, food for family and friends, joy, laughter, decorations. The ritual of this time also appeals to my genetically predispositions love of religion. I love that the virgin son was born in the manger...alleluia, the angel said. For unto us...god was born. On earth.

Ok, that's all wonderful. But another less talked about part of my yearly ritual is gearing up for and enjoying a cleanse. It all starts for me with my yearly gift of a Carol's Daughter sea salt, cleansing regime. I've done Ocean (blue), the purple one...what's it called... a couple of years but this year I went for Groove. Kinda goes with the Saraswati vibe...I'm tripping...I know. Groove is this beautiful deep luscious brick red that you massage over the body, scrubbing with love, but a full on exfoliating just enough to feel good while enfusing your pores with the richest oil and sents of perfection to stay and linger or rub off against something or someone sweet. That's another blog. But, I love this start of the new year. And this year is no exception.

When I start talking about cleansing it always makes it's way to the internal cleanse. People who've not done a full blown (no pun!) cleanse are always VERY curious. Have you actually done enemas? You betcha baby. I did a two week cleansing fast once. It's the longest I've gone and I did coffee and various other enemas to help clean out that end and I drank different juices and waters and took supplements to clean from the other end. (warning: if you aren't aware yet this blog is going to get graphic) I cleaned out what looked like meconium. I never felt better in my life, I might add. So, I'm starting the process. I'm eating less of everything but most importantly...eating less of the stuff that hangs out in the colon. Meat, animal products,...I'm want to get clean inside and out.

If you want more info on cleansing check out my sister at Crazy Sexy Cancer There is an entry about wheat grass that's worth the read.

I also want to plug Carol's Daughter again. I stocked up on her awesome products and have fallen in love with all her stuff again. I was given a gift of some of her stuff around 5-6 years ago and look forward to my yearly supply. Some of you might know that I have some crazy hair for a white girl. Now, I want you all to know that I look like a short Maude with Elizabeth Taylor eyes. Shocking gray hair that is thick and curly,...did I mention thick. After being bald, I'm now trying to grow it into something presentable but it grows out like a chia pet until it hits a certain weight and it takes forever to get there. So, what do I use...Carol's Daughter's products. I love her hair milk, to keep the frizz down. I also love her shampoo and stay in Black Vanilla spray conditioner. If I want the slick sophisticated look I'll work in some Kizy and then spray with the tui jojoba hair sheen.

Well, I'm off to the chiropractor.

Stay clean, my friends!

...and away we go

2007-12-18T13:39:00.001-05:00

Giddy Up, partners, 'cause we're on this crazy ride called life.
With only one reality, one God. We've got to let go of illusion.
The illusion that causes fear of aloneness.
The illusion of death.
The illusion of relationships--love.
These things are not real.
Come aboard my chariot, Krishna, and remind me throughout the battlefield of life.
That you are God, I am God, there is only God.
Always focus there first and when I forget, I trust that God, you will come into my life in the perfect form to teach me and remind me.
Thank you.

I'm studying the Bhagavad Gita.
I talked to my teacher and told her how I felt...very quickly we were able to move on to a deeper reality. I'll go in and teach my classes. All is well.

I'm working and busy with life. 'tis the season.

self centered dribble

2007-12-11T10:36:00.001-05:00

I am not opposed to discipline. In fact, I may need some. However, it comes at a time when I'm at the cusp...what I mean is...I'm just entering the world, the worldly world... of people not stricken with the fear and effects of cancer, not touching death. I was so sick and really thought that I may die,...if not from the cancer than from the cancer treatment. Not only did I think I could die from this but those close to me thought I may too. I recovered my physical health...I feel healthy. I can do everything physically. I've recovered a lot of my mental health too. I'm living...not stricken with the fear of death/cancer. I live. I meditate. I am connected to reality. I am the divine. But, what I've resisted, what I've only stuck my big toe into is the ocean of life that is worldly. The world of expectations, critisism, miscommunication, schedules, work, evaluation, blame, false ego,...do I want to be grounded in the worldly or the world? I ask myself.

I've talked to a number of people that I thought may give me some wisdom in what happenned over the weekend. The responces ranged from calling my teacher names to saying my teacher knows best and I need to be disciplined. I respect all of this. I think there are two issues...one: I didn't do my best and two: my teacher acted inappropriately.

And it gets worse. I got called to pick up Rachel at school today. She was sick and only made it through homeroom. I went to get her, came home and got her settled and preseeded to forget that I was to meet with a client at 10am. I called at 10:30 and told her the story. She was pissed. I asked if she wanted to reschedule and she said that she had a busy week and she'd call me. "I've been asked to work a few hours each day at the bakery. AND I'm meeting with blahdy-blah." Blahdy-blah, I think, is another doula in the area. She was trying to show/tell me that I'd been evaluated...not showing up on time, calling 1/2 hour late, not respectful...and I'd failed the first test.

Let's go back...pre-cancer.

Me Pre-cancer=
always on time
always perfect (or so I thought)
gave more than I needed
type A
over achiever
miserable
angry
bitch

Me Post-cancer=
late
not perfect
selfish
not capable
no memory (thanks to chemo--another reason for 3x5 card)
calm
content
loving

Why? There is no simple answer. But here are my thoughts. Oh, and who would you rather hire? Who do you want in your life? Who do you want as a friend? Mother? I'm really trying to be honest with myself here.

So, I'm here... In this unfamiliar place trying to find my way and find my place in the world. All of this will settle into place,...of that I'm sure.

I just got a call from a woman I helped 5 months ago. She wanted to thank me for my help and tell me that her and her son went on to have a super breastfeeding relationship. Maybe I am capable but damn, I'm so much more vulnerable now.

This is truly dribble...I never answered the question...why? Why am I so different and is it possible to be "perfect" and happy? I don't have an answer. I'm going off today to meet with a postpartum client and I'm going to do my very best, that's what I know.

Guts

2007-12-10T09:43:00.000-05:00

Thursday Celia started throwing up. Poor baby. I had to pick her up from school and then she just vomited all night. In the middle of the night my twin client called and she was bleeding. I spent all day and night Friday with her. One baby born vaginally with forceps, one baby c-sec. It was a long and emotional day. Then Sat I went to my teacher training where I was told that we'd have our teaching practicum the next day. I'd be teaching a segment and we were told that this was our time to "show her what we've got". I was extremely nervous and felt enormous pressure. I would go first. I spent some time Sat night preparing and making a 3x5 card of what I would do with notes on what I wanted to say. Then I put together Erin's birthday present. Sunday was her birthday and she asked for tree frogs. I arrived Sun morning, leaving my birthday girl, to the studio a blaze with hustle and bustle and nervous energy. Everyone was stressed. It was two minutes before I was to start, I got my 3x5 card and was told that we couldn't have notes. Breathe. While I was teaching I remember the moment that I choose to do this particular pose. It just happened. And I remember thinking...I'm doing this pose...I wasn't planning on doing this but it feels like I should do this. So, I went for it. Then I was done. The day continued. I was the student for two classes. Jolie gave me information on the office as I'll be starting to teach at the studio in a few weeks. This is all feeling very awkward already, I might add. I'm being tested but I've already been hired by the studio. AND I'm not feeling my best. I don't say anything about this and don't even want to tell you, my 1-2 blog readers because I hate being a whiner. So the day finally ends she has us get into a circle and then she proceeds to tell us a story about "failing" her driving test and the moral is that she became a better driver by this experience. I'm feeling uneasy. My gut is telling me something. The tension rises, the moment comes..."Barb!", she proceeds to rip into me, going on and on at length, too much, I get the point immediately that the pose I choose to do at the last minute...the one that just felt right was a dangerous pose and I didn't give people an alternative pose. She is going on and on about this "failure" in front of everyone and with a loud voice and aggressive body language. My gut is churning. I don't know what to do. I haven't any clue how to react. My gut is churning...I breathe and try to calm myself. Nothing is working. I don't want to be here in this moment. Then she starts into someone else. This brings me relief at first and then I notice that the person she's ripping into is crying, she can't stop, she keeps crying. It's getting worse. I'm no longer relieved I'm starting to feel angry.
Breathe. She moves on to the next person much to slowly...she's destroyed the poor crying woman. Why won't she stop? She rips into the other woman. My gut is doing somersaults. I need to leave this situation. I want to be out of there. At some point she actually said, "It would be so much easier to not do anything. This is very hard for me.". What did she just say?...this hurts me more than it hurts you. Isn't that what parents have been known to say as they're spanking their children?

Finally, I leave...if I can just get out of the studio without having to talk to anyone. I'm out. I sit in the car and allow the feelings to rush out. I'm so humiliated and hurt. Not because I don't welcome the opportunity to have to do it again...I wasn't feeling my best and wanted to teach it over anyway. I'm humiliated and hurt because the way she did this was completely insensitive and hurtful. It was inappropriate. I can't believe that I've had to sit through this humiliation . I've never had this form of negative feedback in a room filled with people.

I come home...my parents are here...Joanie's girl's spent the weekend and they are over...their dad is here too. We're having Erin's birthday dinner with cake. I spend the evening talking to Joel about Joannie...her funeral, his memories. We cry and laugh. I miss her.

Finally, I go to sleep and I contemplate what happened at the studio. But, not for long...Rachel starts throwing up.

The Mind is a Butterfly

2007-12-03T13:54:00.000-05:00

There is a memoir about a man who is conscious in his shell of a body after a coma at 42 years old. He learns to live without a body, with only a consciousness. Only his thoughts, imagination and a Buddhist sense of order to the mind. Indeed, what we all have to work with to find the truth which is present in each of our simple, finicky, selfish, pathetic and most beautiful minds. We all are drawn through a vortex called life to this thing called GOD, the almighty connection to all. It is frightening and we resist often, pulling back at times because the awe of it can take your breath away...literally. A part of you dies. Letting go is hard to do. If you don't get it this lifetime, ... well, pick your religion. And ask the question. Will you have another chance? As a person or cow? Will you burn in hell? Or heaven? What is it that will bring us to God. What will drop YOU to your knees. I was described in the past as a pit bull. Tough. In my life, there was only one thing to bring me to my knees and thank God it was only cancer. From this humbling place I've come to know God.
Back to the memoir...The Diving Bell and the Butterfly It has just been made into a movie and the director won at Cannes. I can't wait to see this movie.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

I've been pondering this lately. I've come out of "cancer" a different person. I'm not quick to anger but I also will not play in unreality. If I engage in behavior or thoughts that aren't real...for instance, taking blame and being apologetic for the sake of peace it is just as bad as being quick to anger. It is unhealthy. Being clear and forthright without anger or malace (I'm talking about when there is conflict or inappropriate behavior going on in others around me)and simply stating the reality of the situation without emotion is a healthy responce. In other words, I'm not a crazy angry bitch anymore but that doesn't mean I'm not going to call you on shit.

7 Random Hatha Mama Moments

2007-11-29T21:34:00.001-05:00

1. My third daughter was born in the cul. I remember being confused when my bag of waters was bulging out of me but then Celia's head was born into the bag, under water in the birth pool in my bedroom. I will never forget the joy when she was first born. Paul was in the pool with me. He was supporting me from behind and my other two daughters were looking on. The midwife snapped pictures and I birthed my baby right on to my chest.

2. My third daughter is laying next to me in bed, breathing the sweet sound of childhood. She's nearly 5. She is still my baby. I sit with the laptop and type this out.

3. My father worked at a nuclear power plant and once when I was in highschool he came home in a paper suit after being contaminated. They had taken all his clothes and scrubbed him raw. Later, he sued them because it was the company's fault and they're team of lawyers would make my dad feel like shit every time he went to court. He would come home and say...I just want an apology. He never got one but did get a lame settlement that probably just paid their bills for a few months.

4. I saw a number of Quetzales in Guatemala. They are the most amazing birds. In fact, somewhere I have a lifetime bird list where I keep track of all the birds I've seen in the wild.

I've seen ptarmigan in Alaska and nearly every raptor in North America. In the early eighties I worked on the border of a Condor refuge and got to see a live California Condor in the wild.

5. This is my oldest daughter's EIGHTH year in the Nutcracker. I worked back stage today and will work all weekend. She's totally psyched because the winner of "So You Think You Can Dance", Sabra and the runner up from Buffalo, Neil are doing the Pasa Doble at this production.

6. I once visited a friend who was dying. I was alone with her in the room and I didn't know what to do. She was drugged and not "in" her body. She wasn't really conscious. I talked to her and then held her hand. I then started rubbing and caressing her hand and she flinched and tried to pull her hand away. I guess even unconscious she was able to get her point across. Stop touching me. I have an aunt who's biggest fear is that she'll lose her ability to communicate and someone will think it's a good idea to do some pet therapy with her. She hates animals.

7. Two days ago I was at a teacher's meeting at the yoga studio that I'm working at. I'll be teaching three classes. I can't believe it. When I choose the name for this blog, I was nervous that it might be presumptuous. I wasn't a yoga instructor, I didn't have a regular home practice. I just knew that it was where I wanted to be. And now I'm here. I just made space for it.

My new friend at Living Out LOUD shot this challenge of 7 random moments at me. Thanks Mango Mama.

Doula Joy

2007-11-19T00:48:00.000-05:00

Today I reconnected with a beautiful couple and their new baby. I was invited to attend the birth of their daughter and they each truly touched my heart and made me better some how. I'm in general, awed by the power of birth (see my dear friend's post for a great description of DOULA) and each birth I'm honored to attend brings me closer to the divine, sweet nectar of our GOD, present in each of our hearts, made real by love and witnessed in the creation of life. I honor birth and thus am a doula. With loving kindness I want to be in this world and assist to make loving kindness present at the moment of birth. I want to lead the genuflection at the miracal and strength of women and the birth process.

Namaste' I say.

This beautiful couple has gone on to become loving and kind and dedicated parents and they teach me in the process. My world gives me so much. And I trust in all that comes into my path, open to all that God is, I make space for that, the truth.

Asato ma, Sat Gamaya.
Tomaso ma, Jyotir Gamaya.

Today I pray for Irus, Gregor and Ariel.

Training the Yogini

2007-11-09T17:22:00.000-05:00

Saraswati the Goddess of
Creativity, Language.
Protect this thing that I’ve
Cultivated, Learned

This thing so precious, so fragile
The connection to the divine through
Art, Music, Words and Clay
You’ve taught me, the mother
Who wouldn’t choose an
Earth Mother name
Concepts, Love
That are the essence of
Being a householder.

With joy I make my house a home.

This weekend was the EIGHTH weekend of my yoga teacher training. I have two more weekends left, including the graduation weekend. This was a tough weekend. The magic is gone and now it's just grinding through. We are very busy, practicing and doing and getting things done. There is lots of reading and writing and practicing yoga. And I just want to sleep and dream and meditate and get to know my mantra, play with it. I guess there will be time for that.

The teacher training this weekend focused on restorative/gentle yoga, teaching kids, relaxation techniques and the final asanas of the series of asanas that we are using... loosely based on Sivananda but a little more flowy and feminine/receptive. During the restorative part I was reminded of my yoga practice during cancer treatment. Last year at this time I was dealing with third degree burns from radiation. I've come a long way in a year but still I can be brought right back to some of the trauma. I was telling my class about my experiences with yoga at Gilda's Club. I was bald and I would take off my head wrap during yoga and be bald. It was a bold move because I didn't go bald in public at all except during yoga. During relaxation my yoga teacher put her hands under my neck and did a nice pull and massaged my bald head and I remember the tears and the emotions from that sweet gesture. I love yoga and being in the NOW but want to find the balance between the now and healing from the effects of my past.

joyous links

2007-11-05T15:40:00.000-05:00

When I was a freshman in college, this is going BACK now...20 something years ago. My sister came to visit me in my dorm room. We were partying and I may have ate some "bad" mushrooms and I was tripping from the effects of these "off mushrooms". (Some fungus spores can do that...you have to be very careful!) Anyway, I remember that I was going off on a thread of consciousness...spouting the idea that everything is connected. I mean everything; we are all connected by something...to something. That there are links and connection. Everything is linked together. All people, thoughts, things, animals, plants, planets and emotions. Everything is linked and everything has an effect on everything else. It was an adolescent expression, I'm sure as I had very few life experiences to bounce this concept off of. But, I got something. I understood a fundamental concept.

I may have forgotten to honor this in my life of recent and now I see it clearly. I see the connection as a connection to the only thing that is REAL. Call it what you may...God, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammad, Jesus, the great consciousness. THIS is what connects us and IS us. The only reality beyond the body, mind, the thing that carries on when we die...the god consciousness. This is what holds us together linked by fate and circumstances and karma and whatever you want to call it...call it the web of life. What you do, think, feel are is connected to everything.

When I first moved here I heard the name...Eileen S. all the time. Everyone I met who found out what I did (birth/breastfeeding stuff)said I had to meet this woman. Today I had breakfast with her. I have dropped into this beautiful group of woman and am meant to be here doing exactly what I am doing. Thankfully I made space for the world to simply fall into place around me. All is well.

Saraswati

2007-10-29T18:47:00.000-04:00

Last weekend was my mantra initiation. It was nice. The women in our group who had had their mantra initiation the year before were weird about it. At one point, a couple of the women came up and asked me if I'd had a vision. I told them I saw this beautiful rock, a large rock and a small mammal had chosen to poop right on top of it. Tee hee. They said, "Well, just wait.". And laughed like it was an inside joke. I've had no visions. I don't expect to have any visions. My life is full enough. I get a lot of information intuitively throughout my days and highly doubt that there will be a special vision now that I have a mantra. I've already had my visions about this process. And anyway the real miracle is that I got the laundry done today and I woke up and did my meditation and had a great yoga session and talked to the principal at Erin's school, and spoke to her teacher and to the school psychologist and my daughter's fine. Erin has attended two funerals this year. When we moved back to Buffalo our only friends were from my cancer support group. Both Danny and Joan had kids the same age as my kids and we invited them to our haunted house last halloween. I'm not sure I should mention the fact that two of the people that were at our spooktacular event.....DIED!!! AHHHhhhhhhh! You come at your own risk. Their spirits will be with us and we will honor them with the BEST haunted house fun party of the year tomorrow!! I’ll drink a drrrry martini in honor of Joan. In fact, I'll have a Guiness for Danny too. Cheers.

Erin has a new best friend in her 3rd grade class. She only knew one girl in her class at the beginning of the year but she was drawn to Victoria. She wanted to have a playdate with her but I've been travelling a lot lately....NYC and then FL...and it just hadn't happened. Last Wednesday Victoria's mom died of an aneurysm suddenly. Erin is fine. We've talked a lot about it. She's processing, dealing with her emotions surrounding it and we're coping. Is that a miracle? Is there a vision in that?

My children are absolutely amazing. These experiences, though tragic and horrible, have been incredible learning experiences. They have gained an empathy that many adults haven’t learned. They have a high emotional quotient. I would never wish these experiences on anyone but I’m grateful that my children know how to have feelings and express them and deal in a healthy way. Erin asked a lot of questions and was scared one night but I laid in bed with her, rubbed her back and listened. She seems ok.

Now our energy and thoughts and love are directed toward Victoria and her family.

Oh, I was given a spiritual name. I always wanted one. Saraswati. It's a really great name. I love it.

Saraswati

Old Friends and New Friends

2007-10-09T10:10:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in an airport with some time on my hands. I've been exploring the idea of grounding myself. I actually believe that in some ways the travelling in my life gives me an opportunity to quiet myself. I've always loved travel and I like the idea of living out of a suitcase. It's all I need, really. So, I sit grounded in an airport.

I went to Gilda's last week to toast to Joan. I started a little tradition in my cancer support group, that when someone dies I bring Guinness and we toast to the person. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Anyway, it was time to toast to Joan and of course, I wanted to be there. I hadn't been to group in awhile. It got difficult with after school activities and before that I was busy enjoying the summer and I just wanted to move on, I guess. I walked into the beautiful orange room at Gilda's where we meet and there were a number of new people with the stark look of cancer. I know this look very well. From the corner of the room from a woman I don't recognise at first, I hear, "Barb Haney?". My eyes meet this woman who has the battle scars of cancer and I realize I know her. "Kathy?", I say.

Kathy and I knew each other when I went to UB. She actually lived with me and Kay while we were at UB. She lives in my neighborhood. Walking distance. We've visited each other a few times. She hasn't got very good use of her right side due to the tumor. She's stopped the torture of treatment. I'm so happy to have her in my life. What a blessing.

Joan Morrissey

2007-09-11T14:22:00.000-04:00

Joannie...joan you gave so much you were so big
a part of my life, will you ever know how much
I'm grateful to you
you taught me how to live with this diagnosis
to live to love to cry to be
I wanted to be around you
to hear what you had to say
to laugh
at the outrage
at the goofiness
at life
beautiful life
and now you are greater, bigger than your life
I see yellow, bright beautiful yellow
like the color of morning rays
I miss you already
my heart squeezes with sadness
for Gigi, Josie and Joel
but also for you
how strong, how bold to say goodbye
to know when it's time to leave
I love you, Joan

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joanmorrissey

Autumn

2007-09-02T09:22:00.000-04:00

Summer is coming to a close. The nights are cool and the days are bright and joyous. It brings back memories of my youth. Summer really does "end" with Labor Day weekend. School starts and the pools close and the sweaters come out and we transition. Transition to the cold and snowy Buffalo winter.

I've been living life so fully this summer. Playing, working, travelling and enjoying the freedom of health. I continue to see my cadre of doctors...and they continue to have an attitude of waiting for the shoe to drop...looking ever so closely for the illusive CANCER! I am a reluctant patient. I do everything that I need to...but in my time. I toyed with the idea of stopping my carcinogenic cancer medicine--tamoxifen. And would have stopped (in fact I did stop taking it) but my carefully scheduled appointment with my sweet oncologist...the fabulous Dr. Soniwala...came like clockwork and I was able to be talked down from the cliff. We've decided to take Tamoxifen for 2-3 years, not the 5 years that is often recommended. I'm ok with 2-3 years. It sits better with me. After switching care providers twice, I seem to be all covered. I have my radiology appts in place, my oncologist, my gynocologist (I see her often because tamoxifen increases risk of uterine cancer--ultrasounds every 6mo), my primary care doc, and last but certainly not least my therapist. I'm not seeing her as frequently. She is a cancer therapist and I want to be done with cancer but I know her and CAN if I need to call her up and see her at any moment. Enough with that. I try not to be a card carrying cancer survivor. I've taken my Roswell Cancer Center green card out of my wallet (this is the card that I swiped everytime I went for chemo, radiation or any appointment). I've taken my pink ribbon survivor magnet off the back of my car and I can go for days without mentioning cancer, even meeting people, there are people I'm meeting now who have no idea that I had cancer. Anyway, enough about that. It's over and now I'm trying to heal...really heal.

2007-08-07T20:51:00.000-04:00

Sun at my back
Your words come to me
Illuminated from the Divine
Always have I known
But, never heard the words
Thirsting for more
Like Helen Keller after her first word—Water
I must communicate, live, work
Be in this place
A Place so precious and real
One strives to shorten their time in Maya
Bringing the pearls of Love
Bliss accompanying the Divine
Closer together
Each moment being present
Avoiding the cancer of the past
The death in the future
Loving God now
Oh, Sun illuminate, make clear,
My path with a constant faith

Ashram

2007-07-11T16:49:00.000-04:00

I'm going to the Sivinanda Yoga Ranch in the Catskills. It's an Ashram. I'll be there for NINE days. Ahh, nine days at an ashram, so much better than nine days at an asylum. I can't wait. I'm giddy...in between packing for Rachel to go to Chatauqua Ballet Camp and the two little ones to got to their respective camps. I will not have e-mail, tv, phone (well, I will have my cell phone, in case), no meat, no caffeine, no alcohol, no garlic even. Just yoga, chanting, meditating, karma yoga and satsang. Oh, joy. I will be completely blissed.

I leave on Fri and return the following Sun. :)

More Random Thoughts

2007-07-08T19:02:00.000-04:00

So, it's been a year since we moved into this house. I struggle with patience in making this house completely our home. I realize that for much of this year I wasn't living in this house but instead, I was just barely surviving but I sometimes feel bad that the bathroom faucet still needs to be replaced (the faucet is under the sink, btw), the rooms still need paint, we want to replace carpeting, etc, etc, etc. The list is very long. We've done a lot in the few months that I've been a participating member of the family--landscaped some, dug a trench and insulated, built a window seat, started painting Celia's room, ripped out a wall and unpacked. Remember I started chemo 10 days after moving into this house (check out post from one year ago- I'm grateful, so grateful for where I am). Oh, sometimes I mourn the lost days. I've done so much more in these two short weeks since school let out then I did in the entire summer and fall. I was out of it. I've come so far but sometimes I feel bad. Especially because few people know what I've been through unless I tell them, and I still sometimes judge myself based on others. I end and you begin...you end and I begin. What someone thinks of me, my home, my family has nothing to do with me. You end and I begin...yet we are connected on a level that does not have anything to do with things or thoughts but rather a deeper connection. I choose compassion. There was a time when I choose anger, confrontation, stress, judgement--as my MO. So many in our world do. Being busy can seem a badge of honor but what really matters is nothing about those thoughts or the things in our life. What matters is that we take the time to tell and show the people who matter in our lives,a nd that includes the self for how can we love others without first loving ourselves, that we support and love them. I love you all and I hope you feel it.

Random Thoughts

2007-07-05T23:45:00.000-04:00

Perhaps it's the child's joy that bothers him so. Refined and learned he observes the painting listening to the commentary, pursing his lips in approval or disapproval for all is either right or wrong, good or bad,...the pain can be overwhelming and when it becomes so bad the reward is defeatism. He ain't got a way to let that valve, pressure valve release. I observe this as a stranger, watching the man I don't know down the hallways of the museum. Though I've seen him or those like him everyday in every city I've ever been. They roam the earth bitter and pungent settling in their homes and growing roots only long enough to hold on. They protect themselves with thorns and vines of judgement and negativity.

I open my home and heart and remember compassion. Love makes everything alive and conscious. You have to have love and give love and when you don't and choose bitterness and find yourself taking it out on the world it hurts us all ... our only defence and offence is to love. Love every angry, bitter, negative statement as a mother loves her ill behaved child at the toddler's birthday party. Because they are only children, asleep to a greater consciousness.

Chicago

2007-05-28T12:55:00.000-04:00

I've been in Chicago the last four days exhibiting for Lansinoh at the American College of Nurse Midwives Conference. It's been exciting and interesting and exhausting. I miss my kids too.

Last night I went out with one of the women I work with. We had a super meal and drank a bottle of wine after having a couple of drinks during happy hour. I was very "happy" yesterday but a little not-so-happy today. I need a nap. I do so enjoy travelling. It feeds my soul.

For those keeping track the yogic ethical principal of the month is Satya or Truthfulness.

"Satya is a Sanskrit word that loosely translates into English as "truth" or "correct." It is a term of power due to its purity and meaning and has become the emblem of many peaceful social movements, particularly those centered on social justice, environmentalism and vegetarianism.

Satya is also defined in Sanskrit as "sate hitam satyam" which translates to "All that takes you closer to sat (i.e. almighty god) is satya (i.e. the real truth)". This implies that all that which may seem to be true but on deeper investigation does not take us closer to god is not satya.

Hence all the deeds, words, and wisdom that takes closer to the almighty are the truth."

This is difficult. Especially in my efforts to become a part of a new company, meeting new people and new ways of working. I struggle with keeping the concept of Satya pure. Oh, and here's the truth...I love meat. I had a juicy, bloody steak yesterday and it was GREAT. Oh, how to reconcile my very contradictory life.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T08:05:00.000-04:00

I've had an eventful week. I did the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I have lots of pictures and will probably do a blog just on that weekend. It was fun. There was one point where I was really choked up and that was moments before the survivors were asked to parade on stage after the walk. There is something about being around the women who really know it. Who have dealt with the feelings and fears of a life threatening disease and can live each day with joy and love in spite of it. Survivor. The word isn't something I feel altogether comfortable embracing. For two reasons. One, I don't think that the people that died from cancer aren't survivors. And two, I'm not so much a survivor from my ordeal as just a person who lives each day. I'm a liver. But, liver is not the right word either since it connotes a large internal organ. Anyway, we need a better language.

After the walk I went to Staunton, VA where I was a participant in a "little 'L' leadership and learning" workshop. It was amazing. It was presented by Marcia Conner who wrote the book Learn More Now. Great book. Super woman. This workshop is, I believe, an effort to help LLL as an organization grow and be better but the information presented could help any individual or group. Great stuff and I'm sure I'll include a post just on this in the future.

Now I'm in the middle of my yoga teacher training weekend. I'm learning a lot, thinking a lot and struggling with a couple of things. There is a dear woman who teaches us the Anatomy and Physiology section and her facilitating/teaching methods are the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for me. She reads her handouts to us, among other things. I struggle with how to deal with this. Also, it's not clear what we need the information for exactly. Most of it I have an understanding of because of my IBCLC and doula background, not to mention my intimate knowledge of cancer and it's physiology. So, when we're given I broad view of the lymphatic system, for example, presented in a way that makes me feel physically ill (a slight exaggeration), I want to know exactly what you want me to do with this info. Later in the training Felicitas eluded that we'd have a test at the end of the training. Crap. Does that mean I'm going to have to reread the notes that the instructor spent an hour reading to me that I chose to ignore because it was too painful not to? We'll see.

More later...I'm being pampered now. Breakfast in bed. I love my kids. I have to take a picture of the card that Erin gave me. So cute. I have white and black yarn hair!

Peace and Love to all.

night sea journey

2007-04-28T19:52:00.000-04:00

I'm enjoying the Yoga Teacher Training. I didn't think I'd ever go to school again...well, that's what I get for thinking. The cool thing about this training is that it allows me to practice and remember...all that I've learned this year. I'm also doing lots of reading which helps define the awakening or journey. Jung talks about the "night sea journey" that place where awakening or enlightenment comes from. I want to change my language. I'm done saying "cancer". I went on a night sea journey. Doesn't that sound wonderful. I feel that too. How lucky am I to have gone through my night sea journey?

night sea journey

Om, om, om.

Ahimsa

2007-04-20T11:22:00.000-04:00

After the teacher training, I caught a flight to DC to meet with Lansinoh. I'm so happy that this beautiful company dedicated to breastfeeding mothers and babies came into my life. I love all the women I'll be working with and I couldn't ask for a better way to come back into my professional life that I love so dearly with this company. I landed in DC to the news of the VA Tech shooting...sweet ole' tech forever tarnished and saddened by this horrific and incomprehensible act. Breathe. The woman who sat next to me at the airport who brought forth a racial comment into the air between us, it made me sad and hurt, told me about the shooting. I was so close, in fact I rested in a place of violence in my heart with her—disgust, disdain. Subtle, in comparison to the horrific acts witnessed this week but none the less a place of anger, judgement, and non-compassion. And then tired and drained from a funeral, two day yoga event, first day back into my professional life and reactions of anger, judgement and non-compassion in the face of a deranged killer. This Ahimsa isn't easy and it's not about the meat!

Om Tryambhakam Yajamahe
Sugandim Pushtivardhanam
Urvarukamiva Bandhanan
Mrityor Mukshira Maamritat

Who is it that loves?

"Who is it that loves and who that suffers?

He alone stages a play with Himself.

The individual suffers because he perceives duality.

Find the One everywhere and in everything

and there will be an end to pain and suffering."
Sri Sri Anandamayi Ma

There is only one thing that IS non-violence and it is LOVE. Love freely to all...non-judgement, with complete compassion for all and for all of oneself. Love our perceived flaws, embrace all that is about us...there is no good nor bad there IS. It is and we choose to bounce within our minds back and forth between choosing good or bad. It is a coping mechanism passed down within our culture...that duality is but a short step from enlightenment.

It is how we interact within the pain of deep tragedy...it is a comfortable zone to react. I was driving with my dearest friend as the details of the tragedy unfolded before us on WPFW in DC traffic. We were shocked, frightened and deeply pained by what we heard. "The shooter, it has been confirmed has committed suicide at the scene." My words rung out and I felt the emotional judgment instantly..."COWARD!" But, it felt right to fill the silence with a base emotion that we could connect to in a way that would keep us from leaning into the point, the sharp point of sadness that this one individual impressed upon so many in a short violent instance. Later my friend had a similar reaction to the questionable choices of Bush. We were able to recognize our reactions and communicate the difficulty in being of the world...to be centered in the business and complications of life.

Ahimsa....

Yoga Teacher Training

2007-04-15T09:11:00.000-04:00

I started my YTT yesterday. It was a long day of listening and trying to be open to the process. Unfortunately, what I need, my body, my soul is to close myself off and mourn. I was a little too open to the process yesterday. It was the first day and I didn't want to seem like a cold, bi-atch so, I chatted about my life, my cancer, my treatment, and gave a bit too much before I knew it. There is such a careful balance to all systems in our body and finding the perfect amount of opening and closing under emotional situations is difficult for the best of us. My prayer going into the training today will be that a bubble of light and energy surround me and protect me from all the emotion and life that is in the room and with me on this journey; I imagine a veil of gauze between me and everyone, I can see out and they can see in but it is a subtle protection.

I now know why I've been drawn to the writing and life of Sri Sri Anandamayi Ma. I think that there is a very strong connection between her and Felicitas (the owner of the yoga studio and my teacher at this training) and I was drawn to Felicitas through my admiration and love toward Ma (Sri Anandamayi Ma). Felicitas told a story about her name and though I knew her name meant happiness I didn't know that it was translated to the sanskrit Anandamay or Joy/Bliss. Life is full of connections. I will include a poem of Ma's and a picture.

"Joys and sorrows are time-born and cannot last.

Therefore, do not be perturbed by these.

The greater the difficulties and obstructions,

the more intense will be your endeavour to cling to His feet

and the more will your prayer increase from within.

And when the time is ripe,

you will gain mastery over this power."
Sri Sri Anandamayi Ma

Call at the Museum Today

2007-04-10T15:06:00.000-04:00

Danny died. He is a kind and gentle soul. He leaves behind his beautiful wife Julie and wonderful children Ava, Will and John. Danny was in my group at Gilda's Club. His kids go to school with my kids at Smallwood. I am so sad for his family.

Breathe.

Living each moment.

In kindness and compassion and love.

Being truthful.

Connecting to that which is greater than this body.

In Humor, in joy.

In Peace.

Om,shanti,shanti,shanti.

Good Friday

2007-04-07T00:14:00.000-04:00

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate, he suffered, died and was buried. On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead. And his kingdom will have no end.

one year

2007-04-05T22:26:00.000-04:00

On March 31st, one year ago, Dr. Eisner called me and said, "I'm sorry but you have cancer". This picture is a of the note I wrote while on the phone with him. Just the facts. Now, one year later, I'm left with the scars from surgery and the scars from the ver intence emotional injury that I endured in an effort to be treated for cancer.

I just can't shake it off my back yet. It's still such a presence in my life.

It feels similar to how I felt when I returned from the Peace Corps after 2.25 years in Guatemala. The culture shock of entering into the first world again. I find it hard to enter into light conversations. I just want to be alone, pull the covers over my head and sleep. However, I'm not doing that. Instead, I'm taking on new jobs and projects that I'm excited by hoping that it will help shake the cancer off me.

On the anniversary of my diagnosis I cried. I wept. I couldn't stop. Paul held me and I cried, really cried for the first time in months.

I will be fine and so will you all. We need to just get on with the business of living and stop preparing to die.

Ahh, sweet vacation!

2007-03-02T20:22:00.000-05:00

We went to Florida. The kids, Paul and I got on a plane and flew to Orlando. We spent two days at Universal, which was super cool. The rides were fantastic for all our different age groups. Then we went to Disney's Pirates and Princess Party, which was fun but not as fun. We were starting to get tired and Disney is just not as comfortable as Universal. It's a bit older and you can't drink a beer anywhere. So, all the parents were a little cranky.

Then we went to my in-laws. I was a little nervous about this trip because they weren't really involved during the tough chemo/radiation treatment part of our family's life. I was hurt and kinda offended that they didn't call or write or take an emotional interest. Over the course of my visit, I realized that there wasn't any malevolent cause. They just are caught up in their own lives. And my mil is just in her own moment. It was a lesson to me. I get hyper involved in my own and other people's drama. Maybe that's ok to not let other people's drama involve you. And why should I care what she thinks. It actually felt good to spend time with them.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the trip.

Yeah

2007-02-16T14:21:00.000-05:00

I was melencholic. I ended up crying for a few days. I just had a deep and overwhelming sadness that needed to release. I have just woke up from a nightmare. I found a picture of me and Celia. I think it was taken a few months before I was diagnosed. She is nursing from my left breast. My breast that now has a big chunk taken out of it and has been radiated 30 times with whopper gamma rays. I'm so happy to be where I am but do love to look at that picture taken just prior to the nightmare.

Thanks be to God

2007-02-12T11:23:00.000-05:00

I'm rather melancholic today. Seems as though I've woke up from a dream, a nightmare but I have that lingering sadness or fear from a night of fowl dreams. I'm sure it will subside but I want to acknowledge it.

We went to church yesterday for the first time in a while. We felt obligated since Erin will be celebrating her First Penance in a few weeks. We've been sending the kids off to Religious Education but not attending mass. Yes, we're catholic. This is how it happened. I was brought up by hippies and had no formal religious teaching though we did attend a Presbyterian church for a short time when I was in elementary school. I then attended church with a friend's family in high school. I was drawn to learning about religion and spirituality. I was even voted "most philosophical" in high school, whatever that means. When I went to college I became a Buddhist. I chanted nam myoho renge kyo and subscribed to the devotion of the mystic law of cause and effect. But, there was a disconnect for me because the religion was tied up in the culture of Japanese Buddhism. I couldn't completely relate. I married Paul, a professed atheist brought up in a catholic family. We were married by a JOP and didn't think much about religion until we were in the Peace Corps and surrounded by a surreal mix of Catholicism and Mayan tradition. It was amazing. We started attending church and I became connected to Catholicism from a religious and cultural stand point. My peops were Irish Catholic. And then we went to Esquipulus a small town on the Guatemala and El Salvador border. The town's church has the statue Jesus Negro or the Black Jesus. It is a statue known for granting miracles. We watched as people crawled on their knees from the town's border to the church. It was an incredible spectacle. And it was there in that church that both Paul and I had a palpable sense of God. A month later I became pregnant with Rachel and during my pregnancy I attended RCIA (Roman Catholic Initiation for Adults) classes with Father Tito in Norwich, CT. Father Tito was an amazing man and true saint. Paul and I were remarried in the church and all our children have been given Catholicism as their base for spirituality. I know that many people have problems with "the church" and there are times when I do too but the fundamental teachings are profound and resonate with me. I continue to connect with the energies and teachings of other spiritual leaders and religions but am Catholic. Don't be frightened. I'm still a HathaMama. I still meditate each day in an effort to quiet the mind. I do yoga and believe in power of chanting Om and I bow to you with respect--Namaste.

still snowy

2007-02-03T21:31:00.000-05:00

I couldn't figure out how to upload a song onto my website. But, please check the song out. It's on Putumayo Presents ONE WORLD, MANY CULTURES

I am well and continue to enjoy one day at a time.

we miss you molly

2007-02-01T21:19:00.000-05:00

OK, so sometimes I want to play in the land of da Nile. What's wrong with that? Just a day or two pretending there is no such word as the word that must not be named...begins with c....shhhhhhhh! So I'm trying to frolic on the shores of da Nile when I hear that Molly Ivins dies. I'm really sad over this for a number of reasons that I'll get to later.

then...I tried to escape at the JCC where we are new members and I'm trying to get in shape. Three miles on the treadmill was my limit. I am so out of shape. Anyway, on the TV in front of my treadmill...2 times in the 45 minutes I was huffing through my 3 miles...there was that commercial with the guy who is dying from lung cancer and he's talking about missing his sons and then it says he's been dead since 1991. For some reason, I thought he was still alive and that little thing just nearly threw me off the back of my treadmill going at a snails pace. Cancer sucks. I've seen the t-shirts and I always thought I'd wear the ribbons before I wore the pissed off cancer sucks paraphernalia. But, I'm seriously considering tattooing something dark like...cancer sucks...next to my cancer fairy or whatever I get.

I need to start thinking about my next tattoo which will commemorate my cancer journey. I didn't expect to get another so soon. I have one that I got when I got married...sunshine on my shoulder. Another commemorating the end of childbearing...a Celtic circle with 3 intertwining images with a colored dot representing my 3 girls. I have no idea what image would best encompass this journey...my aunt wanted me to get a pink ribbon and she wanted one too. I was repulsed at the thought of tattooing a pink ribbon on my body. That would feel to much like "claiming the cancer" to me. No offence to my aunt or anyone else that tats a pink ribbon on their flesh. It's just not for me.

OK, back to Molly Ivins who had INFLAMMATORY BREAST CANCER. Yes, I said INFLAMMATORY BREAST CANCER (IBC). This is a rare but VERY aggressive form of breast cancer. There is NO cure. There is keeping it at bay for awhile...sometimes a long while...sometimes a short while...but NO cure. Every woman and husband and sister and mother and brother should know what this disease is and how it effects entirely too many families.

:::::breathe::::

Molly Ivins' last article

link to article

Enough is Enough
By Molly Ivins
The Texas Observer
Friday 26 January 2007
Stop it. Now.
The purpose of this old-fashioned newspaper crusade to stop the war is not to make George W. Bush look like the dumbest president ever. People have done dumber things. What were they thinking when they bought into the Bay of Pigs fiasco? How dumb was the Suez war? How massively stupid was the entire war in Vietnam? Even at that, the challenge with this misbegotten adventure is that WE simply cannot let it continue.
It is not a matter of whether we are losing or will lose. We have lost. Gen. John P. Abizaid, until recently the senior commander in the Middle East, insists that the answer to our problems there is not military. "You have to internationalize the problem. You have to attack it diplomatically, geostrategically," he says.
His assessment is supported by Gen. George W. Casey Jr., the senior American commander in Iraq, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who recommend sending more forces only if there is a clear definition of their goals.
Bush's call for a "surge" also goes against the Iraq Study Group. Talk is that the White House has planned to do anything but what the group suggested after months of investigation based on much broader strategic implications.
About the only politician out there besides Bush calling for a surge is Sen. John McCain. In a recent opinion piece, he wrote: "The presence of additional coalition forces would allow the Iraqi government to do what it cannot accomplish today on its own-impose its rule throughout the country ... By surging troops and bringing security to Baghdad and other areas, we will give the Iraqis the best possible chance to succeed." With all due respect to the senator from Arizona, that ship has long since sailed.
A surge is not acceptable to the people in this country - we have voted overwhelmingly against this war at the polls and in the polls. (About 80 percent of the public is against escalation, and a recent Military Times poll shows only 38 percent of active military want more troops sent.) We know this is wrong. The people understand, the people have the right to make this decision, and the people have the obligation to make sure our will is implemented.
Congress must work for the people in the resolution of this fiasco. Sen. Ted Kennedy's proposal to control the money and tighten oversight is a welcome first step. If Republicans want to continue to rubber-stamp this administration's idiotic "plans" and go against the will of the people, they should be thrown out as soon as possible, to join their recently departed colleagues.
Anyone who wants to talk knowledgeably about our Iraq misadventure should pick up Rajiv Chandrasekaran's Imperial Life in the Emerald City: Inside Iraq's Green Zone. It's like reading a horror novel. You just want to put your face down and moan: How could we have let this happen? How could we have been so stupid?
As The Washington Post's review notes, Chandrasekaran's book "methodically documents the baffling ineptitude that dominated U.S. attempts to influence Iraq's fiendish politics, rebuild the electrical grid, privatize the economy, run the oil industry, recruit expert staff or instill a modicum of normalcy to the lives of Iraqis."
We are the people who run this country. We are the deciders. And every single day, every single one of us needs to step outside and take some action to help stop this war. Raise hell. Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous. Make our troops know we're for them and trying to get them out of there. Hit the streets to protest Bush's proposed surge. If you can, go to the peace march in Washington on Jan. 27. We need people in the streets, banging pots and pans and demanding, "Stop it, now!"

You will be missed Molly!

Still is Still Movin'

2007-01-31T22:33:00.000-05:00

Today I wore a different bra and had a ton more tinges. I hate those reminders that my breast was "microwaved" and is rubberized like a chicken breast.

I'm thinking a lot about a friend who is having some issues related to her cancer. I'm sending Betsy and her family tons of love and light. Also, my other friend Joanie got crappy news recently. Joanie inspires me and is one of the most beautiful people I know...lymphedema and all! ;) I love her and her family and hope to get together with her soon. Maybe sledding (the kids and men) and Joanie and I can have a hot toddies by the fire.

I'm loving a duet by Toots and the Maytals with Willie Nelson.

It's called... Still is Still Movin' To Me.

I'll try to get a copy of the song on the blog tomorrow. It's got a great reggae rhythm and it's my life. Life goes by quick sometimes and sometimes it's a raging river. Me I want to float down that river feet first within that busyness that raging and find the calm, the stillness within me...

snow

2007-01-31T13:11:00.000-05:00

Buffalo is beautiful and cold and it just keeps snowing.

New Year

2007-01-16T14:10:00.001-05:00

I haven't been motivated to write anything. I just felt that I wanted to breathe and not define anything with words. I went from finishing radiation to the excitement of christmas and the new year. When I wasn't busy with everyday life I wanted to breathe. I did write a new year letter to everyone but didn't send it. I still have gifts to send. I will.

Here's a copy of the letter I wrote...

Happy 2007!!!

Here’s an update from the H-C’s. This new year we celebrate the new house, the new schools, the new friends and the new Barb. But, like the song says, “Make new friends but keep the old…”, how grateful we are to our “old” friends, our family and all the angels that have come into our lives this year.

Rachel is on the Amherst U11 girl’s Travel Team for soccer. This is exciting. She is practicing all winter at a couple of indoor arenas (remember we’re in Buffalo) in preparation for the spring tournaments. She danced in the Nutcracker at the Center for the Arts at UB under the direction of Maris Battaglia, the woman who owns the studio where she takes ballet classes 3 days/week. She likes the new studio but will always have a place in her heart for the Reston Conservatory. She’s playing the flute and was asked to try out for the All County Band in January. She’s doing wonderfully in school and making friends and next year she’ll be attending Amherst Middle School. Wow.

Erin has had a smooth transition to the new school. She is in a wonderful class with a super teacher. She’s made some good friends and had a slumber party for her eighth birthday in December. She played soccer in the fall and looks forward to spring soccer too. She loves school and is doing great in all her subjects. She loves to play on the computer and got Nintendo DS for Christmas. She takes care of Stella and loves to take her for walks in our backyard and she keeps track of the wildlife that stops by our creek. She is happy and has hit her stride in all ways.

Celia is the life of the party as always. She goes to preschool 3 days/week at Audobon and has made some friends at school. She started taking ballet classes and loves it. She’s quite good and her teacher seems to enjoy her presence in the class. She also likes to visit Papu (my dad) on a regular basis, now that he’s retired. He has watched her quite a few times while I’ve visited my team of doctors and they’ve developed a very special relationship. We have just started to have fun during the day, now that I’m done with treatment and we look forward to visiting all the kid stops; museums, parks, and playplaces in 2007. She’s turning 4 on Jan. 13th.

Paul is happy in his changing role from primary caregiver for his ill wife and 3 children to environmental engineer at Ecology & Environment. He has some interesting projects he’s working on in various locations around the world. He took the Professional Engineer’s exam and is waiting for the results. He is looking forward to getting the canoe in the various creeks in Western New York in the New Year. And we’ve started some projects on the new house. He’s working on making the house more energy efficient now that we live in the “north country”. We continue to grow in love for one another. We’ve shared many adventures in the 16 years we’ve been together.

I am doing well. I’ve finished my daily trips to Roswell Cancer Center for radiation treatments. My hair is coming back after the effects of chemo. My energy level is returning and I’m so happy it’s 2007. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on March 31, 2006. That day was the beginning of the fight for my life, though I didn’t know it at the time. I could never imagine the journey that cancer would allow me to take. I’m changed. The girls (Rachel, Erin) and I went to Dreamgirls and loved it. In many ways I’m like Effie because I’m changing… “Look at me, Look at me. I am changing, trying every way I can. I am changing, I’ll be better than I am.” Cancer has changed me. I live every minute, every day differently. I only do things that make me better, that make my family better. I think differently and do things differently. I started doing the things that I love everyday because every day is a gift. I belong to a studio and spend time thinking about clay and throwing it on the wheel. I love it and it brings me joy. I have some other projects planned for next year and they are all exciting endeavors that will be about living stong! Livestrong. It is a message that took cancer for me to really understand. How grateful I am to be here now wishing you all a glorious New Year full of wonder and strength. I am so thankful that I am here, able to be spending time and visit with my very wonderful family—Mom, Dad, Meg, Hannah, Quinn, Barb, Dan, Gus, Rita, Mary Jane, Scott, Sarah, Nate and all the rest of my very large and loving family. I’m grateful for all of my family, new friends, and “old” friends. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me.

I’ll end with my prayer that you livestrong, as in the words of the Lance Armstong Foundation’s manifesto.

We believe in life.
Your life.
We believe in living every minute of it with every ounce of your being.
And that you must not let cancer take control of it.
We believe in energy: channeled and fierce.
We believe in focus: getting smart and living strong.
Unity is strength. Knowledge is power. Attitude is everything.

With Love and Joy and Peace,

Barb
for
the Family
Paul, Barb, Rachel, Erin and Celia

My Clarence

2006-12-16T22:55:00.000-05:00

I'm so happy I'm alive. And cancer was my Clarence. I just watched some bits and pieces of "It's a Wonderful Life". Like George, this year filled me with reminders that I'm glad I'm alive. I am so happy to have touched the lives of the people around me and I'm so grateful for the moments where others have really touched me. Of course, the real important moments and things that people have done for me have little to do with material things or with impressions. It's when real people have showed real emotion. That's what I'm grateful for. There have certainly been a number of angels along the way. Those people that said the perfect thing or contacted me at the perfect time to help me see the way, stay on the path.

But, now I want to simply live. Live in the spirit that has made me love life.

Quiet and calm. Simply be.

Not Again

2006-11-09T00:42:00.000-05:00

I can't believe this is happening again. I really thought that all this cancer suffering was behind me but just when I was starting to feel pretty comfortable and content,....radiation takes a burn for the worse. I have been suffering with what I'd describe as a wicked sunburn the last 4 or 5 days. It's been described to me as more like a chemical burn in it's reality but since I've never HAD a chemical burn it's like a really bad sunburn to me. But, tonight I noticed blistering in some of the bad spots. Great. I have three more weeks of this. I'm pretty devastated and have been thrust into a bit of a depression or it could be intense cancer fatigue. I don't know and I since I don't care, I'm leaning toward depression.

I'm pretty sure everyone around me is sick of this too. I haven't shared my isary with very many people because everyone just wants it to be better. I hate being the carwreck in everyone's life.

Nights are the worst. It just stings and itches and hurts like hell and I can't sleep. Ugh.

Halloween

2006-10-31T12:51:00.000-05:00

Geeze Louise. Tomorrow I'm starting NaNoWriMo. I'll be writing a novel in 30 days. I still am not sure which story I'm going to write yet. Yikes. I have a couple good ones brewing but don't have an idea of how they actually end or really a clear idea of where I'll start tomorrow. Crazy. I'll try to continue to blog throughout the process and may even include some excerpts.

I started a pottery class last Monday. I went again yesterday and as it turns out I'm great at it. The instructors were amazed. I think it's my super power that I gained from being dipped in chemo poison. Anyway, yesterday I cranked out two gorgeous bowls and 3 plates. Keep in mind this was my second class and most people were struggling with centering the clay on the wheel. I just love the feeling of clay, the abondonment of worry, life and everything when I'm working on a piece. I'm just concerned with molding it into something beautiful. It's so freeing. I wish I could spend my days in a studio. I haven't been happier in months, years? I don't know.

I'm actually enjoying the process of throwing clay more than writing. It's less emotional. It's just what it is and I don't have to explain myself or anyone else. I love it.

Saturday with electricity and phone!

2006-10-28T12:48:00.000-04:00

I know. I know. It's "not about the hair" but can I tell you how geeked I am that my hair is coming back. Today when I came out of the shower and dried myself I was stunned when I rubbed my head and their was actually water accumulated in my fuzz. I was so thrilled. It's been months since I've had any hair. I slowly went shorter over the months in anticipation of possibly losing my hair so, that by the time it came out in clumps it was only about a quarter of an inch long. I had very thick hair and although it was short there were several million (who knows exactly how many hairs we have on our head?) very short hairs. Within a day I probably went down to 100 and then within the 2 months I was on chemo I probably went down to about 10 stray hairs. So, imagine my surprise when I could account for some water in my fuzz. Wow. I'm going to be done with this a be well, be better for it. This is a hopeful thought.

I love my radiation oncologist. She's right out of her residency and she's smart and idealistic. I love her. Her name is Dr. Fernando and she's great. My radiation techs are another story. There is one I kinda like. One is a smoker (yuk!) and she's the one that told me I'd get used to it. "It" being walking with a hospital gown untied through a waiting room full of people. I said that would be impossible and no one should be forced to lose their dignity even if they have cancer. I'm not "used to it" and choose to wear a sweater over my gown but IT is getting easier.

Ode to Jan and Mariam

2006-10-23T10:15:00.000-04:00

I'm sad. She was someone I knew through the internet. I never actually met her and only corresponded with her once. She wrote Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person. I'm going to miss her though I'd never met her.

Jan from my wellness group died too. I'm so sad.

This freaking cancer thing. My tumor is getting smaller but the cancer experience continues to grow.

I'll miss you Jan and Mariam.

Friday the 13th Storm

2006-10-17T14:21:00.000-04:00

Dear God,

I'm tired of drama. I'm hoping like crazy (and praying too) that 2007 will be UNeventful. I'm actually hoping it will be boring. I want time to read, clean, scrapbook, and just live. Anyway, hoping you get this message and put me on the books for nothing in '07.

Love, Barb

I'm living on a mattress on the floor at my parents. We have massive tree damage, a utility pole down in front of our house and it's freaking October!! What the...? I actually think that the epicenter of the storm was our house. It's like a war zone. I woke up Friday to 2 1/2 feet of snow and all the trees in our neighborhood damaged. We couldn't drive out of our house until late Saturday. I was supposed to start radiation on Friday. I didn't want to. I'm afraid I may have willed this storm into being so I could get out of radiation on Friday. It didn't really help, as it only prolonged the inevitable. I started radiation on Monday. It sucked, as I imagined it would.

It's a rotten, horrible joke that the woman (me) who hates hospitals and choose to have a homebirth now has to lay on a cold table and get radiated EVERY day for 6 weeks. It is wrecking havoc on my blood pressure. Every time I go in that fluorescent lamped, stark room with the giant machine that whirrs and whistles, my heart rate accelerates.

wednesday

2006-10-11T16:59:00.000-04:00

the house is overwhelming me
anxious about radiation starting
trying to get life completely in order
before it starts
of course
impossible
raining again
needing time for me
it seems
or not
perhaps needing a friend
difficult to make friends
while undergoing cancer treatment
just don't want to open up in
that way
we'll go to Gilda's Club
Noogieland
tonight and I'll see my pals there
and hope that I can get through a room
tomorrow

This is Crazy but Fun

2006-10-04T11:31:00.000-04:00

What psycho things have I done in the last 24 hours? Well, I signed up to write a novel in 30 days. CooCoo! I havn't finished unpacking the boxes in my house. I haven't organized things that are already unpacked. I live with piles of magazines and books lining my walls. I feel like my Aunt Hotchie, who was a borderline horder. How in bloody hell am I going to do this? Just thinking about it makes me smile though so, I must be on the right track. If anyone joins me PLEASE let me know. We can support each other by encouraging each other not to cook or clean but to WRITE. Ahh, joy.

Also, if that weren't enough. I signed up for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. This is a 36 mile walk in May. I can barely walk 3 miles without feeling exhausted these days. Holy crap. Am I mad? Again, this is all making me smile and I'm just following that joyful feeling. Insane I know.

You can check out my Avon Walk website here.

9/28/06

2006-09-28T15:39:00.000-04:00

Kids home
Erin got sick last night at
Friends house for dinner
Saw old mentor -- Walter
Taught me to be activist
Found out not gene mutation
Good news
I guess wonder why if not genes
Nurture or Nature
Was it environment I created or
Environment you created

And still it rains...

Yes, it's true.

2006-09-26T19:33:00.000-04:00

This is not the most flattering bald shot but it is a bald shot. Rachel got a cell phone with a camera and took this very close shot with her phone. This is me now. The hair isn't coming in yet either. I feel a little stubble but there isn't anything to show for it...I still look bald.

Thanks for the Materials *

2006-09-21T14:52:00.000-04:00

Since I was diagnosed with cancer I've had many friends and acquaintances give me books, articles and recordings about disease, healing, nutrition, etc. I love to read these things and always, take what I need and leave the rest but sometimes, when I'm not feeling super confident, I wonder if there is the slightest bit of criticism on the part of those who send me these books. It's as if people think I'm lacking some insight or understanding into why I have this disease or how I can heal from it. I know that this isn't their motivation, or at least isn't the motivation of most of my friends, but I wonder.

I've sent numerous books on parenting/breastfeeding/birth to many of my friends and relatives. I always thought that I had a perspective that they may not know. I'm certain that I've helped a number of people find their way in parenting by sending them books but I may have also made some feel criticized. This is new insight for me.

I think I'll start asking new parents to share with me their new perspectives, insights and knowledge. What have they learned on this journey of parenting? I certainly don't know more than anyone and don't assume to know what an individual is ready to hear or learn. Everyone is on their own path.

So, now that things have calmed down and I'm feeling better and becoming more myself. I realize that I have the knowledge, the strength, and the ability to heal within ME. Not in a book, a religion, a specific prayer. If these things resonate with my inner being than they can help me to heal or to tap into my own strength and ability to heal.

* This isn't meant to make anyone feel bad or not send interesting articles. I love the information. This is about me and how I receive the information.

Finding Compassion

2006-09-13T11:23:00.000-04:00

This seems to be turning into a cancer blog. It's ok. It's me now.

Paul's grandpa died on Monday and his family is converving on WNY. This will be a lesson in compassion. There a few members of Paul's immediate family that have not attempted ANY contact during the "chemo" experience. It's so glaringly insensitive, as I've received dozens of prayers, notes and e-mails from good friends and some acquantances even. I met a friend of a friend last summer one time. She sent me a lovely card just saying she was thinking of me. Compassion. I know that some people are just not equipped to experience life. That's sad. That's the place where compassion comes from. Understanding that people's actions are not about me but about them, I suppose.

I'm very excited that I'm going to see His Holiness The Dalai Lama next week. He's speaking at UB.

Still not in a place of inspiration to write. Here is a link to a great essay from NPR. It's not about the hair. It's not.

Not About the Hair

Inner World

2006-09-07T21:01:00.000-04:00

Clearly, I haven't been inspired to write lately.

I've been so caught up in dealing with getting healthy and making it through chemo. It's been a full time job. Also, I'm caught up in my inner world. I spend nearly the entire day visualizing, paying attention to my thought patterns and trying to make it through the "labor" of chemo. Really, it's been like a contraction...One giant 8 week contraction that took all my focus, energy and strength to endure.

And now, I'm slowly...slowly...starting to come out of it.

Hell

2006-08-21T18:52:00.000-04:00

I want this hell to be over.

Reprieve

2006-08-10T22:07:00.000-04:00

Monday I went kicking and screaming to my appointment for chemo. I was dreading it. In fact, I had a number of full blown "ugly cries" the 24 hours leading up to the appointment. I just didn't want to do it.

It turns out my body agreed. My white blood cell count was lower than it was two weeks ago. I shudder to think how low my white blood cell count went down after chemo II. Anyway, I got a week reprieve. I was so excited to have a week of feeling fairly human.

I talked to Johns Hopkins and my doc at Roswell and everyone agrees that taxol may not be worth the trouble for me. It may not increase my odds of no recurrence in the future. Though no one knows for sure as no one can agree on my exact diagnosis.

I'm feeling a bit sad these days...I could write a list of reasons why...cancer, chemo, moving, disappointment in certain people's lack of contact during this trying time--I don't want to mention any names...in-laws, keloid on my lymphnode scar, etc. The list goes on.

But, what I would rather do is mention what I'm grateful for.

I don't have to work.
I am half way done with chemo.
I have a beautiful house and stream in my backyard.
My kids have stayed healthy this summer.
Paul shaved his head to support me. Even though his hair is already growing back...I'm still proud of him!
We're going to the Caribbean in January.
We're celebrating our 15 year wedding anniversary Aug 24th.
I love my kids.
I have a very supportive family, especially my mom.
I'm going to an amusement park tomorrow with my kids. I couldn't go if I had chemo on Monday.
I look good in a scarf.
I don't have to shave my legs or pluck unwanted facial hair.
It could be worse.
I'm not addicted to caffeine anymore due to my repulsion at the smell of coffee.

I better stop now as I'm digressing and starting to whine. Oprah, I'm sure, would disapprove.

Johns Hopkins...I miss you

2006-08-04T02:53:00.000-04:00

I've got to write about this last week, though I don't want to relive any part of it. I know that if I let enough time pass, my brain would shove the experience into the dark recesses of my mind as a course of self preservation.

As mentioned in an earlier post, my fantastic cancer team at Roswell Park, failed to mention that I needed a neulasta shot 24ish hours after my chemotherapy. The lack of which sent my blood into a nuclear meltdown...white blood cells low, platelets low, sodium high, blah, blah, blah. The chemo nearly killed me. Thank God, or anyone who will listen, that I didn't get an infection. Anyway, for chemo II they apologized profusely, got me the shot 24 hours later and gave me antibiotics...just in case. You see, my body wasn't ready for another dose. My blood was at the breaking point. What my expert team at the "renowned" Roswell Park Cancer Center, so good they weren't even in the top 52 cancer hospitals in the USNews best cancer hospital rating, what they FAILED to mention were the possible side effects of this shot. But, I don't blame them entirely, as the Neulasta website says ONLY 31% of patients have the particular side effect I was blessed with...bone crushing pelvis pain that emanated up my spine and throughout my skull. It was paralyzing. But, what was most distressing was my fear that what I was experiencing was a result of an infection that may kill me. I was writhing in pain while on oxycodin. Major narcotics only took the edge off. I called my team at the renowned Roswell Park where my Doc was off at a conference and the nurse practitioner said, "It's probably not an infection because you're on antibiotics. I don't know what to tell you. You could go to the emergency room, IF IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER." You idiot...I went to a breast cancer support group at Gilda's Club and within 2 minutes the angelwomen told me what it was...the freaking Neulasta shot.

I can forgive the dumbasses for their error with chemo I, but leaving me stranded and in pain is intolerable. I'm a tough ass when it comes to pain too. I've endured a lot of it. In fact, I've choose pain in certain instances as a course of character building. Childbirth, long distance running, mountain climbing and third world living. But, pain in this instance is torture. Someone I loved once said to me..."You can't talk philosophy with a man on a rack". By God, you can't neglect a chemo patient in pain.

Skunked

2006-07-28T14:02:00.000-04:00

Well, two down. I had my second chemo treatment on Monday. They almost didn't give it to me because my WBC count was so low due to their oversight in mentioning a shot I needed to get two days after my first chemo to boost things back to normal. My doctor "ate crow" (his words). And allowed me to get the chemo even though he doesn't usually go below 1000 and my levels were at 800. But, I panicked as I had the next week planned to a tee for childcare etc. and he relented. I'm taking Cipro profilactically and got my shot exactly 24 hours after chemo and have taken my germophobia to great heights. Those who know me would be amazed that I could battle bacteria better than I did before...

I was starting to turn the corner yesterday. I ate some dinner and was feeling ok. Not great...still wanting to curl up and die but better. At 11pm I was starting to doze off when the worst, most pungent smell overtook my entire being. I ran out of my room to meet a pie-eyed Paul saying there's a skunk. It turns out the skunk hit Stella, our 3 pound Chihuahua. The smell is everywhere. I just gave Stella a bath in tomato soup because I didn't have the energy to go to the store and get V-8, which everyone tells me works great. We bathed her in dish soap and one of my nice smelling conditioners and that sort of worked too. My hands picked up the stink from the tomato soup bath and I've washed them no less than 10 times in the last hour. Of course, this doesn't bode well for increasing my appetite or keeping the nausea at bay but it does get me out of bed...because the stink is worse if I'm not moving.

Off Week

2006-07-18T13:54:00.000-04:00

Well, I feel normal now. Really weird, because I felt like dog poop just a few days ago. The chemo week sucks. The first few days are like a fog. The meds keep you drugged so you don't really know how bad you feel then you stop taking the meds a little before you stop needing them and POW! you feel like shit, unless you keep taking the "as needed" drugs that kind of take the edge off. Toaward the end of the "chemo week" I started getting hot flashes too and my bowels and pee smelled like liquid sludge from Love Canal. I also had sore lymphnodes at the end of the week as my body worked overtime to purge the rot from my system.

This week I'm feeling fairly normal. I'm starting to feel like myself, just in time to start the whole ball rolling again on Monday, July 24th. Chemo II.

Lost days sort of...

2006-07-13T13:20:00.000-04:00

Well, it's thursday. I'm starting to come out of my fog. It wasn't so bad but I was out of it. Very tired and just feeling "funny". It's hard to describe. I'm not sure how much was the chemo or what was the effects of the very strong anti-nausea meds. Oh, well. After my morning nap today, I ate some soup and felt a little better.

I've had enormous support. My cousin Mary has come every morning to make sure my kids are fed and hangs out with them while I take my morning nap. Wow. She does dishes, makes lunch too and lets the kids play on the tramp and jump in the sprinkler. Oh, AND she goes grocery shopping. My mom came by one evening, my dad took the car in to be serviced, my mom and dad spent 7 hours here watching the kids while I had my chemo infusion, blood work etc. My cousin, Sarah, spent a few hours playing with the kids yesterday and my sister watched my kids while I went to a New Member meeting at Gilda's club. Which is located in this very cool mansion in Buffalo with all sorts of support groups, art, yoga, tai chi classes and the taa daa....Noogie Land for KIDS! It's the entire basement of the mansion set up for kids. These are all kids living with cancer in their family -- a safe place. Just what my kids need.

I'm kinda outta it...can't remember the days...my brain is foggy. But, I'm doing ok.

One down...

2006-07-10T22:19:00.000-04:00

I had my first chemo infusion today. Looking back at the last few posts, I see that I was really bugging out leading up to this. I'm not sure why I've been so freaked out...maybe the move to a new state, new cancer docs etc or maybe it's just the freaking breast cancer and everything that goes with it. Who knows? As my kids say, "Too bad, so sad."

I feel a little "funny". Not sick or anything just weird. I feel a little nausea just under the surface but it's being kept at bay with enormous amounts of anti-nausea meds. Better keep those up.

MR f 'ing I

2006-07-09T01:00:00.000-04:00

After the appt for the unnecessary ductogram and after the weeping in the radiologist's office and after she asked me what I wanted to do, did I want an MRI, I just cried. When I met this radiologist she was a close talker, right in my face and making me feel very awkward. Her first words out of her mouth were, "So, you choose to have chemo." This in itself-- through me into a tizzy. It made things sould like a want something that isn't a reasonable option. I KNOW I'm sensitive to it. And maybe they are too...but I have the entire tumor board at Johns Hopkins behind me. It is the right thing to do. It wasn't really a choice. I need chemo. I have cancer cells in 4 of my lymphnodes and they've figured out how to move. I need chemo. Anyway, I asked for an MRI over a month ago...to check to see if the 1mm invasive tumor in my breast IS the primary tumor. Dr 'nucci hemmed and hawed and called Dr Levine and wanted to know what I thought. I honestly had no thoughts except that I wanted to be done with this scene...the cancer scene. Finally she said yes. I'd get a call in the morning for the MRI. They called at 10 and asked if I could be there by noon. My mom came and picked up my kids and I went.

It was one of the worst moments of this entire process. I was alone in this scary tube trying to communicate with the staff and no one was listening and they didn't respond to my shouting or hand waving. Finally I just gave up and tried to calm myself from having a nervous breakdown--breathe, breathe, pray, breathe, no use my heart is bounding out of my chest. I try again to say something during the lull in the machine...nothing. I move my hands...nothing. Finally the test is over and they pull me out. I say, "That was really tough. I didn't expect that." The dumb ass nurse said to me, "Well, some things you need to study up on." I could feel the emotion bubbling up to the surface...the sobbing begins...as I say"You want me, the person who just moved to thia state less than 1 week ago, with 3 small children, diagnosed with breastcancer, starting chemo on Monday to do more research on this machine that you are supposidly an expert on. Tell me ... what is your job? ::::::sob::::: Defensive nurse now says, "Well, didn't they talk to you during the test?" :::::sob:::: "No!" "Oh, that's why." As I was leaving, the woman who did my test said, "You looked so calm and you didn't move, I didn't know there was a problem. Next time take adivan (sedative)"

Things I thought about while I was in the machine alone and frieghtened for 50 minutes.

My kids and how strong they are.
My husband.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Said some Hail Mary's and Lords Prayers.
mantra...I am beautiful and perfect.
had a few nam myoho renge kyo's flash by
monty python players making sound effects with coconuts thanks to "cancer made me a shallower person"

I'm really glad that's over.

I shaved my haed this evening. It's phase I. There is still hair...maybe 3/8" . It looks alright. R &E helped with the clipping. I'll wait to shave it bald until after Monday.

I'm Here

2006-07-05T23:42:00.000-04:00

We are now in the new house. It's funny, I haven't had that moment where you wake up and wonder where you are or think you're in the old place. I'm just here, finally, and it's as if I've always been here. I am walking into walls and sconces because I don't have the subtleness down of the exact amount of steps it takes to get from the front door to the kitchen and from the bedroom to the bathroom but it feels like home. If you think living with a bizzilion boxes and crap everywhere is home. There is also one not so pleasant aspect to this house...it stinks. I will be ripping out some carpet tomorrow while P is at work so, he can't protest. We haven't ordered new carpet so we'll be living with sub-floor but anything is better than the horrible reek. There are just a few places where it stinks and one place is our bedroom and the master bath. Yuk. That's all I need during chemo. About chemo...well, I will be starting Monday. My doctors at Johns Hopkins are pretty adement about it...my doc here in Buffalo could go either way. Buffalo doc says the micromets are pretty small and "MIGHT" not be a problem. Docs at JH say the cancer has developed the ability to metastisize and this needs to be treated with chemo regardless of the size of the micromets. Doc in Buffalo is going to treat with chemo but really put it on my shoulders to decide. Although I have the entire tumor board at Johns Hopkins behind me it still sucks to be the one responsible for this treatment and doc in Buffalo seemed to really put it on my shoulders. I'm scared and nervous about starting chemo and the LAST thing I want is a doc that might not be behind the decision 100%. We'll see how things go on Mon, now that the treatment plan is made. The docs and pathologists don't agree on my diagnosis. Buffalo pathologists say...not micromets and are looking at it as NOT node positive. Johns Hopkins pathologists say...2 nodes + with micromets and additional 2 nodes with isolated cancer cells. Is it node neg, 2 nodes pos or 4 nodes pos? Who the hell knows? They've agreed to disagree my onc said. Great. That's a good plan when you're in second grade and arguing on the playground, it's polite and all, but I want consensus here. Oh, well. (btw, I'm having a problem with starting a new paragraph...so this will be a run-on paragraph post) I went to an appointment today and had a mini-nervous breakdown. I was scheduled for an unecessary test--a ductogram. I kept telling my "new" docs that I didn't need it but they wouldn't listen until finally today after she sqeezed the hell out of my nipple. She said, "Oh, you don't have any bloody discharge. It's milk." Yeah, I've been trying to tell you that. My daughter just weaned you weanies. I'd had two appointments and made a phone call to explain this and still she sqeezed the dickens out of me. After that I just sorta lost it. I was sobbing with my head in my hands and I think I was saying things like,...this is just a bad (---sob!---) day, I had to get a sitter (---sob!--) and I knew (---sob!---) I didn't need this test. The radiologist was sympathetic and listened and was suppportive and I may have got her attention...though it wasn't my intention. I was just sick and tired and freaking out. This whole thing is rotten. Moving, three young kids (with no friends in a new STATE), living out of boxes in a house that has a bit of a stink and dealing with cancer and about to start chemo. (---sob!---) breathing...in...out...here's the good news...1. we have ducks, geese, heron, and bunnies in our backyard creek that I can see from my bedroom and living room 2. my husband went from a 1.5 hr commute to a 15 min commute 3. I bought a 42" plasma flat screen tv and the satellite people are coming tomorrow 4. I love the house (except for the stink) 5. decorating will be fun 6. I'm here!

"breast cancer made me a shallower person"

2006-06-20T16:04:00.000-04:00

Too freaking funny.

I'm procrastinating and need to pack but caught up on-line checking out stuff. I found this. Wonderful!

http://www.miriamengelberg.com/index.htm

what's transition

2006-06-19T12:49:00.000-04:00

We're moving, finally. The house is nearly packed and the truck will come on Saturday. Transition. Transition is a funny place to be. Because truly all we have is NOW. Transition is waiting for tomorrow or not giving up yesterday. There is no transition, if you're in the now. Or there is always transition--time doesn't stand still. OK, I'm waxing philosophically. No time for that, I've got boxes to pack.

I flew up to meet my Buffalo oncologist at Roswell Park. His recommendations are completely different than Johns Hopkins. Crap. He wants to do more surgery--axilla node dissection (isn't 8 lymphnodes enough?), no chemo, radiation and horomonal therapy. JH's tumor board says no more surgery, chemo, radiation and hormonal therapy. This means I might have to fight for chemo in Buffalo. I want to believe Buffalo oncologist. I want to say, "Great, I don't have to be the bald mom at the parent teacher conference. Or be in bed wishing I could parent my kids during this "transition"." But, it seems negligent. I'm going to fight for poison to course through my veins... watch me ROAR!!!!! I think. I want to do the right thing and it's not clear what that is yet.

Time to Take Charge -- Watch Out World!

2006-05-29T17:05:00.000-04:00

The idea of taking charge of one's medical program is the single most common practice among survivors. It is the cornerstone of a strategic recovery plan.
-- Greg Anderson, Author of Cancer: 50 Essential Things to Do

The dictionary defines Optimal as "most desirable" or "favorable. I define optimal care as individualized or customized care that is neither undertreatment nor overtreatment for each woman's particular situation. It is a treatment that gives each woman the best chance of being cured with the fewest side effects and disruption to her life. I believe that as many as 40 percent of women in this country with newly diagnosed breast cancer do not receive optimal care.
--Take Charge of your Breast Cancer-- A guide to Getting the Best Possible Treatment by John Link, MD

I've had it. I'm going to be more assertive about my treatment. I think initially I was so freaked out by the diagnosis that I just went along with whatever they said. Not anymore, they've bungled and botched and they don't get my situation. I do. I know my body, my disease, my situation better than anyone and I didn't trust that initially. Things are gonna change.

Cancer Sucks

2006-05-26T18:47:00.000-04:00

I've had two surgeries. One consisted of a lumpectomy that found micro invasive cells and dirty margins which led to another to get clean margins and do a sentinel node biopsy. They took 8 lymphnodes and the pathology report says that two of those lymphnodes had micro matastisis. That's the facts as I know them, now. What does this mean exactly? Well, it's unclear except that my little ole' stage O breast cancer is now at least a stage II and I'll have chemo and radiation. My case is being presented at the Johns Hopkins tumor board next week because there are some peculiarities and they just don't have a handle on my cancer yet.

Pink Ribbons

2006-03-31T19:21:00.000-05:00

I'm meeting with a surgeon in a week to discuss my upcoming lumpectomy. I have breast cancer. I'm ok. The hardest part is talking about it with people. In fact, I don't want to talk to people. When someone says the words, "I have breast cancer", people react. The oncologist/radiologist said, "I'm sorry but you have cancer", I was at peace, slightly sad but at peace. But, I know why he said, "I'm sorry". It changes you in ways you can never anticipate. Sorry and pity are the emotion that others feel. I want positive emotion. I want love, not pity. I want strength not sorry. I want reactions like this..

I have cancer. You are beautiful.

I have cancer. You are strong.

I have cancer. You are peace.

I have cancer. You are love.

I have cancer.
I am NOT cancer, it will be gone. I know.

I've only told 3 people. Two friends I choose to tell, they were strong women who I knew could handle it and give me strength, love, and peace. One friend just happened to call and I dropped the bomb. She was a mess. You see, it's everyone else's reactions that shake me. I'm ok.

I don't know how to incorporate this into my everyday interactions. But, it's ok. I don't have to know how today.

Dance of the Lion & Unicorn

2006-03-24T21:11:00.000-05:00

So, in the last few days I devoured the book, The Dance of the Lion and Unicorn--The Secret of Conscious Relationships

It's amazing and so "right on". It's changed how I look at all meaningful relationships.

Something amazing happened. I had a question about the book and how it related to my life. I contacted the author, Mark Waller, with the question and he's entered into a dialogue with me about my question. It's remarkable.

As a result of our dialogue, I'm trying to be aware of the chatter in my head. Just be aware of that voice in my head. This is the same message as Eckart Tolle in the Power of Now. Conscious relationships start with consciousness. Conscious parenting starts with consciousness.