hmmm

Your Birthdate: January 27

You are a spiritual soul - a person who tries to find meaning in everything. You spend a good amount of time meditating, trying to figure out life. Helping others is also important to you. You enjoy social activities with that goal. You are very generous and giving. Yet you expect very little in return. Your strength: Getting along with anyone and everyone Your weakness: Needing a good amount of downtime to recharge Your power color: Cobalt blue Your power symbol: Dove Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Separate

He's actually quite relieved, I think. He doesn't say much and hasn't been known to express himself in the past. But, it seems that I was the one that needed to make this happen. I mean, he'd asked me several times throughout our time together. He wanted to be apart but I don't think he knew how it could happen. We probably would have split earlier but cancer came a knockin'. Really, I'm glad. I needed that experience. I needed to be with him a little longer. I needed to change. I needed to wait. I needed to meet Joel.

Today we get the contract/agreement and we need to spend the weekend with it and then on Monday we sign the separation agreement. Then we'll be legally separated. The kids and I will be moving in with Joel shortly after that. The kids are doing well. Really, their lives won't change too much. As I've said before, the one thing that we did and do well is parent the kids and we will continue to do that. They will go to the same school. We'll be moving to a more kid friendly neighborhood and they will live in a home full of joy rather than sorrow and regret.

I'm well. And I hope that you are all well too. I love you all.

News from WNY

Hmmmm. You little lurkers...who don't leave public comments but are anxiously awaiting news, contacting me in other ways, and in grocery stores meeting up and discussing a twitter or as my friend Joan would say as she rubbed her palms together in front of her face...."what's the scam news".

It's fun to hear about our fellow planet members cruisin' through life...growing, healing, seeing the perfection in all that life throws us.

Joanie, you may remember was my friend in my wellness group at Gilda's. I remember sharing my new found favorite book with her..."cancer made me a shallower person". Damn, we were both saddened by Mariam, the authors, death because of stupid ole' cancer. Anyway, Joanie died too from stupid ole' cancer and it pisses me off 'cause why am I here as a lone ole' cowgirl singin' the survivor blues.

Past blog about Joan...my friend...my fellow survivor...

Anyway, I'm so grateful to her. Thank you, Joanie for giving me the gift of keeping your memory alive and loving your family--Joel, Gigi, and Josie. How can I ever thank you...with each damn tamoxifen I take, with each scan, watch me take down cancer, kickin' it's skinny, slimy, mother f....ing ass.

JAM

My marriage wasn't filled with love. It's ok. I'm so happy that I met Paul, that he is in my life and that we brought forth 3 beautiful children. But, often it felt as though my marriage, my relationship with Paul was about constantly shoving my right foot in the left shoe. After time this was annoying and caused pain. Paul, especially, has wanted out for some time. I could go into the details of the difficulties in our marriage but it doesn't seem worth it. But, now we can "love" one another the way we always have without the pressure of knowing that that love wasn't the love of husband and wife. We are, in general, getting along much better now. But, for years we haven't lived as I know that God intended a husband and wife to live. Indeed, Paul is very happy that I have found "true love".

It certainly wasn't my goal or intention but a force beyond me and within me brought me to the person who I've wanted and somehow cosmically known my whole life. It was a gradual awakening. We became friends and each day I found that I wanted to share more with him. Until, one day I realized that like a freight train I couldn't stop my heart from bursting out of my chest and meeting his heart. Loving completely, authentically and unconditionally. If I were reading this, I might be harumphing at the glibness. I mean, come on.... But, I am in love for the first time in my life. This is no light statement. It is a bitter reality that I have been in a 17 year relationship, had 3 children and neither of us LOVED one another. I mean we "loved" one another like in Fiddler on the Roof...do you love me? yes, i love you. for 21 years i've washed your clothes, milked the cow, blah blah blah....yes, i love you.

But, what I've found with Joel is a connection of the heart. An emotional and spiritual connection that I couldn't live another day without.

Finally

Paul and I are ending our marriage. This is not a new idea...we've had a tumultuous and tenuous relationship. In general, we are both relieved. It is difficult because like a friend described, our marriage is like two thorny bushes that have grown together for 17 years and pulling it apart can be painful.

We told the kids. That was hard but with time I believe that everything will settle into normalcy.

I want to leave it there....my marriage is over.

More to come....

Grief

I don't claim to know everything about grief but what I do know is that everyone is different in the manner with which they will deal with the intense emotion. I've been blessed to be around a number of people at the end of their lives facing death. In our wellness group at Gilda's behind the double doors in the orange room I found a safe place where a group of people all diagnosed with cancer could talk about cancer. We've all heard the words, "I'm sorry Mrs/Mr X but you have CANCER.". At this point we all have to come to terms with the reality of mortality. Yes, we're all gonna die. And when you have cancer, when you have the scars physically and emotionally of this disease you just can't talk freely around your family or friends about cancer. I mean, sure you CAN. But, when you're in that room and you ALL have this thing in common you can speak freely and honestly in a way that you never could with friends and family. Friends and family are often caught in a cycle of their OWN grief and cannot support the person with cancer the way that they need. So, every week there is a group of very different individuals that gets together in that orange room and they laugh, cry and are honest about their LIVES about living with cancer. I think that we would all agree that we could not have met the challenges of cancer without these people. I love and loved everyone of them in a way that I didn't know I could love another. Pure love. Non-judging, no expectations and unconditionally.

So in the process of learning this Pure Love what I learned was that we can have compassion without ownership. What I mean is that someone elses death, someone elses disease is NOT mine to hold on to and integrate into my psyche. That is the difference in the orange room. We know that. We're not always perfect in integrating this difficult concept but we do understand it differently then untainted folks.

Renewal

So, I'm on this journey...you know the life journey...and I'm just muddling through and finding my way. I try to follow certain principles but sometimes the path isn't a clear path and well, do we need to stay on the beaten path. I mean, isn't it ok to blaze your own trail?

I want God or the Divine in my life always. But, God for me isn't about sitting down in a pew and genuflecting to God in the form of the miracle of the holy host. My God is so much bigger and present EVERYWHERE.

Somewhere I read that you'll know God because it will taste sweet...or be similar to that feeling. When I quiet myself and come to life without expectation or judgment I see and feel the sweetness of God in the form of my children's smiling faces among so many other things. Or I see God in the form of a touch from someone I love or breathing close to the person I love.

Along the way I realized that I needed to cultivate joy in my life if I was to become healthy. I do believe that the self cultivation of joy can only be met by joy in the world, the environment around you. So watch out...when you start this work...because like the snowball effect it will grow to the point that joy will pick you up and hurtle you through life with unbridled abandon.

Bone scan negative...thank you God.

Wednesday's Wonder

Turbulant balance
I'm dancing and flitting
Watching this and that
While reaching into the depths of the earth
Grounded
Reaching out to the universe
I'm quiet and loud
I'm a spiritual being who needs to be loved and touched
I am this body
I'm not this body
I am this mind
I'm not this mind
Meet me today and you'll meet an angry bitch
Meet me today and you'll meet a princess
Right is this way
Wrong is that way
I go both ways
And bring my shadow with me

Snowing in Buffalo

I've been busy doing other things...rather than blogging. And that's good. However, I do enjoy the quiet lazy dayz that involve showering late, reading, meditating, wearing my robe late into the day, and thinking or not thinking about what I want to say, dream and bring into my life. Renumerate. After a yoga class this morning I had "that" afternoon...and so now I sit, showered and clean after a lazy afternoon.

Back from vacation. We went to Southern California...enjoyed Santa Barbara, hiking and even saw the lunar eclipse while laying in a king sized bed in a beautiful cabin in the woods; we watched the moon arc and change through the window in the eves. Wow. It was magical. We all enjoyed ourselves, however, Paul may have had the best time of all. That man needed a vacation.

We visited our dear friends and it was good to connect. Give hugs and be reminded that we all love one another. Celia didn't remember them much and it was good for her to re-meet the 5 kids. I needed to see and be with my friend. She is my sister, my chosen sister. She has known me for over 10 years, we've been through much. She reminds me of who I am, who I was and who I will be. I love her and her family.

I came home and spent two days in bed. I was sick. I got a cold and couldn't keep going. I had to stop. I'm feeling better now. I feel cleansed.

I went to look at some property for the birth center in Buffalo today. It's a nice space. A 5000+/- sq ft Victorian Home in the Elmwood district. Gorgeous. I have many suggestions and ideas and thoughts. However, this is not MY space. This is clear. I hope to support these 3 women in their efforts at the level that they've opened up to me. I see some organizational issues, there is not a lot of experience among the group. There is an organizational vacuum and I know how to fill it with the skills and effort that it will take but I can't take on that WHOLE job. Not now...I don't need this experience. When they offered me the VP position on the board one of the guys (the midwife's hubby) said, "It'll look good on your resume.". Dang, I don't need anything like this on my resume...my resume is filled with positions like this. I need to work...not as a volunteer...but to make money to support my family. I've done enough volunteer work in my life. It is a struggle though...to do as little as possible to bring me out of balance. And let's be honest...when you're after a buck it's hard to stay balanced. Yoga is good but it doesn't pay the bills.

I feel melancholic today. I have to get a bone scan on Friday. I've had some pain in my ribs in the area that I had radiated. My friend with stage 4 colon cancer has had lots of radiation and she thinks it might be pain from radiation...but it's been there for 6 months... and it's getting worse. Now, it could be the fact that I've had a cold and been coughing. The radiation compromises the bone and I may have broken an already sore rib, maybe. Or it could be nothing. Or it could be metastatic breast cancer that has spread to my bones. Anyway, I have to have a bone scan and another x-ray of my ribs. Yes, this is still a thing in my life. There were these "bad" cells and they cut them out and scorched and burned me to make sure they were all gone... but they still spend a lot of time looking out for a stray nasty cell. This cancer thing is like my diving bell...me, I want to be dreaming of butterflies and spring mornings.

Om tare tuttare ture svaha

Turn off the TV.
Images are powerful,
No massacres, or blood pumping sliced arteries for me.
Chanting the ancient sanskrit words to virgin ears,
It connects with something, with God.
Do you hear it?
It's dim at first and then you start hearing the truth.
What is real.
And you can't help but become intune
At that frequency where lies
You, your connection with the all,
The divine.
Getting closer, bringing the
Thing into your life that you need,
God in the form of
your Journey.
Oh, Joy in each precious moment,
only then,
we've only this breath,
this breath.

I finished my first workshop of Prenatal Yoga classes last night. It was wonderful. Many women will continue...others are going on to have their baby's. Hopefully with a small connection/a glimps of a vibration that they will summon again, when they're stripped of the unreal during the intensity, the surge of birth. That's all...oh, simple, pathetic, trembling me, who has nothing. With courage and in a stupor I strip it down and attempt to bring you to a place I only sometime glimpse. Indeed, it is the experience of yoga that helps me...this is work? Crazy.

I taught the beginner class yesterday too. I taught the inversion. They were beautiful exploring space, challenging themselves. I'll teach the big kids on Sat and I have a fun filled 1 1/2 hours planned! Oh, joy.

Check out this Green Tara Chant on mp3.

http://www.wildmind.org/mantras/figures/greentara

Sorry, I can't link to it...somethin's up with my 'puter or blogger. I'll try later

Yes we can

I voted for Barack Obama. In Hillary's state I want it known that Barack Obama took the majority of the vote in Buffalo and western NY. A depressed part of the country that has been neglected by most including Hillary who promised much and provided little except just enough support and change to get elected. Her ambition, her motivation.

I want Barack Obama to be our next President. I want to change our need for NOT CHANGING. We don't need to be at the mercy of the few, the rich, the powerful. We are ONE! Yes we can.

What tha'

I want to retract my last post's statement the Hillary is "the Man". Hillary is a woman. On the trail recently she was giving a speech and there was a persistent heckler, screaming, "Iron my shirt!" "Iron my shirt!" "Iron my shirt". She paused and said calmly, "This is another reason why it's time for me to be president.". As I said earlier, I do believe that she will be president and I'm glad. Why didn't we hear anything in the news about THIS! I want to believe that if there was an idiot screaming "Pick my cotton" at Barack Obama it would infuriate and appall the public. Am I naive? I don't know. As a woman who works with women and been witness to the persistent degrading of a woman's innate power through birth, baby's cut from their mothers, ripping families from the power of birth by a corrupt and disillusioned medical system, I can tell you that we're not moving forward in our respect for women.

Anyway, we're about to have a change, a shakedown. Is Hillary's presidency always going to be a "woman thing"? Will she constantly be proving herself at each turn? If it's Barack will it be a "black thing"? Either way it will be interesting.

Birthday Blues and my Prediction for 2008

I actually had a party...a celebration. It was a celebration for me...my birthday and also my graduation from yoga teacher training. Those who know me, know that this is me coming out of my comfort zone of wearing pajamas on the b-day and watching a movie at home, writing in something drippy in my journal and getting take-out. I remember crying on my 10th birthday because I was "old". I always get a tad sappy. Flash, a psychic in Florida, told me that we get a new aura each birthday and during this "change of aura" we are extra vulnerable and feel fragile.

Anyway, I had a party. It was fun and I'm set for celebrating myself for another 42 years. When I hit 84, I'm definitely having another party!!!

2008
Hillary president. Not because I'm going to vote for her...to me she's just "the Man". But, I saw it. She will be our next President. And yes, I did predict Bush and I saw the war in Iraq, the year before he took office. Also, we're going to have a global tragedy in 2011 during her time in office and Hillary will have to find her softer side in order to make a global shift in our world's consciousness to a more "we are one" attitude.

ahhh

Weekend of endings/beginnings.
Almost lifetime of searching for the thing.
The thing that cannot be named.
Somehow caught a glimpse in Yoga.
Named Yoga.
Hatha Yoga.
Ha - Sun
Tha - Moon
Yoga - yoke
That thing that brings it all together.
Drawing like a vortex or tornado...
Everything in - hale
Everything exhale
Dispersed like seeds, touching the heart to be nurtured and grow.
The seed has been planted.
The plant grown and now
Enjoy the fruits
In Joy - Santosh
Finding the joy in the awkward exposure of intimate self
Through a poem, blog, me
Being authentic.
Without the defence -- doing my dharma
My drama
That may bring up things in you
"I can't take a migraine. I don't know how you did it, Barb."
Same way.
I wish I'd have been able to do this growth, learn from a migraine.
But I needed to be brought to my knees.
Genuflect.
Honor that thing in your heart and mine.
That thing everywhere in everything.
Every experience.
Mundane to dramatic.

Yoga Ma Teacher Training.
Officially over.
I'm a teacher of this ancient tradition
The thing that always was,
Always is,
And always will be.
Om

Cancer Doesn't Sleep In

Bob died. He was a sweet man that showed up for our wellness group at Gilda's. He was a funny guy. I liked him. His funeral was this weekend and I couldn't get there, though I wish I could have. I have a lot that takes my emotional energy. And my family gets the first overflow. If I were to give more this last week it would have been pulling from my reserves. I need to give from the overflow not pull from my being. Which sometimes is hard, especially as life gets busy.

Today I was exhausted. I stayed up too late reading the Yoga Sutras in preparation for my exam this weekend. I just wanted to sleep a little later than usual. My alarm is set for 6:15. When I got out of bed at 7:30 the house was chaotic. I'm needed...life is better when I'm present and it is a delicate balance between meeting the needs of my family and making sure my needs are met too.

Anyway...cheers to Bob. Another wonderful soul drawn too quickly from his family into the vastness of God. May he find infinite bliss. He deserves it.

just stuff

Tomorrow afternoon I visit my oncologist for my friendly 4 month visit. I had a chest x-ray on Monday to make sure there isn't anything in the bones, Doc will let me know how it looks tomorrow. My last mammogram was clean.

I have had lots of signs of stress leading up to the damn appointment. Tension and pain up and down my left side. Of course, I immediately think it's cancer. Had a massage and went to the chiropractor and it seems better but ugh, I want tomorrow to be over.

I'm embarrassed that I have such a hard time getting to the doctors when, for the most part, I've had very good news each time. But, I'm post traumatic stress sister and nearly need adivan to walk in the door. Will this end?

My Luna Yoga class is going well. I teach on Wed mornings and have had a small group show up each class. It's terrifying and wonderful. The owner of the studio came to my last class and gave me excellent feedback. It feels good.

This weekend is Celia's 5th birthday. My baby! I can't believe it.

A Nice Cleanse

I have been in my element. I love doing life...the holidays, food for family and friends, joy, laughter, decorations. The ritual of this time also appeals to my genetically predispositions love of religion. I love that the virgin son was born in the manger...alleluia, the angel said. For unto us...god was born. On earth.

Ok, that's all wonderful. But another less talked about part of my yearly ritual is gearing up for and enjoying a cleanse. It all starts for me with my yearly gift of a Carol's Daughter sea salt, cleansing regime. I've done Ocean (blue), the purple one...what's it called... a couple of years but this year I went for Groove. Kinda goes with the Saraswati vibe...I'm tripping...I know. Groove is this beautiful deep luscious brick red that you massage over the body, scrubbing with love, but a full on exfoliating just enough to feel good while enfusing your pores with the richest oil and sents of perfection to stay and linger or rub off against something or someone sweet. That's another blog. But, I love this start of the new year. And this year is no exception.

When I start talking about cleansing it always makes it's way to the internal cleanse. People who've not done a full blown (no pun!) cleanse are always VERY curious. Have you actually done enemas? You betcha baby. I did a two week cleansing fast once. It's the longest I've gone and I did coffee and various other enemas to help clean out that end and I drank different juices and waters and took supplements to clean from the other end. (warning: if you aren't aware yet this blog is going to get graphic) I cleaned out what looked like meconium. I never felt better in my life, I might add. So, I'm starting the process. I'm eating less of everything but most importantly...eating less of the stuff that hangs out in the colon. Meat, animal products,...I'm want to get clean inside and out.

If you want more info on cleansing check out my sister at Crazy Sexy Cancer There is an entry about wheat grass that's worth the read.

I also want to plug Carol's Daughter again. I stocked up on her awesome products and have fallen in love with all her stuff again. I was given a gift of some of her stuff around 5-6 years ago and look forward to my yearly supply. Some of you might know that I have some crazy hair for a white girl. Now, I want you all to know that I look like a short Maude with Elizabeth Taylor eyes. Shocking gray hair that is thick and curly,...did I mention thick. After being bald, I'm now trying to grow it into something presentable but it grows out like a chia pet until it hits a certain weight and it takes forever to get there. So, what do I use...Carol's Daughter's products. I love her hair milk, to keep the frizz down. I also love her shampoo and stay in Black Vanilla spray conditioner. If I want the slick sophisticated look I'll work in some Kizy and then spray with the tui jojoba hair sheen.

Well, I'm off to the chiropractor.

Stay clean, my friends!

...and away we go

Giddy Up, partners, 'cause we're on this crazy ride called life.
With only one reality, one God. We've got to let go of illusion.
The illusion that causes fear of aloneness.
The illusion of death.
The illusion of relationships--love.
These things are not real.
Come aboard my chariot, Krishna, and remind me throughout the battlefield of life.
That you are God, I am God, there is only God.
Always focus there first and when I forget, I trust that God, you will come into my life in the perfect form to teach me and remind me.
Thank you.

I'm studying the Bhagavad Gita.
I talked to my teacher and told her how I felt...very quickly we were able to move on to a deeper reality. I'll go in and teach my classes. All is well.

I'm working and busy with life. 'tis the season.

self centered dribble

I am not opposed to discipline. In fact, I may need some. However, it comes at a time when I'm at the cusp...what I mean is...I'm just entering the world, the worldly world... of people not stricken with the fear and effects of cancer, not touching death. I was so sick and really thought that I may die,...if not from the cancer than from the cancer treatment. Not only did I think I could die from this but those close to me thought I may too. I recovered my physical health...I feel healthy. I can do everything physically. I've recovered a lot of my mental health too. I'm living...not stricken with the fear of death/cancer. I live. I meditate. I am connected to reality. I am the divine. But, what I've resisted, what I've only stuck my big toe into is the ocean of life that is worldly. The world of expectations, critisism, miscommunication, schedules, work, evaluation, blame, false ego,...do I want to be grounded in the worldly or the world? I ask myself.

I've talked to a number of people that I thought may give me some wisdom in what happenned over the weekend. The responces ranged from calling my teacher names to saying my teacher knows best and I need to be disciplined. I respect all of this. I think there are two issues...one: I didn't do my best and two: my teacher acted inappropriately.

And it gets worse. I got called to pick up Rachel at school today. She was sick and only made it through homeroom. I went to get her, came home and got her settled and preseeded to forget that I was to meet with a client at 10am. I called at 10:30 and told her the story. She was pissed. I asked if she wanted to reschedule and she said that she had a busy week and she'd call me. "I've been asked to work a few hours each day at the bakery. AND I'm meeting with blahdy-blah." Blahdy-blah, I think, is another doula in the area. She was trying to show/tell me that I'd been evaluated...not showing up on time, calling 1/2 hour late, not respectful...and I'd failed the first test.

Let's go back...pre-cancer.

Me Pre-cancer=
always on time
always perfect (or so I thought)
gave more than I needed
type A
over achiever
miserable
angry
bitch

Me Post-cancer=
late
not perfect
selfish
not capable
no memory (thanks to chemo--another reason for 3x5 card)
calm
content
loving

Why? There is no simple answer. But here are my thoughts. Oh, and who would you rather hire? Who do you want in your life? Who do you want as a friend? Mother? I'm really trying to be honest with myself here.

So, I'm here... In this unfamiliar place trying to find my way and find my place in the world. All of this will settle into place,...of that I'm sure.

I just got a call from a woman I helped 5 months ago. She wanted to thank me for my help and tell me that her and her son went on to have a super breastfeeding relationship. Maybe I am capable but damn, I'm so much more vulnerable now.

This is truly dribble...I never answered the question...why? Why am I so different and is it possible to be "perfect" and happy? I don't have an answer. I'm going off today to meet with a postpartum client and I'm going to do my very best, that's what I know.

Guts

Thursday Celia started throwing up. Poor baby. I had to pick her up from school and then she just vomited all night. In the middle of the night my twin client called and she was bleeding. I spent all day and night Friday with her. One baby born vaginally with forceps, one baby c-sec. It was a long and emotional day. Then Sat I went to my teacher training where I was told that we'd have our teaching practicum the next day. I'd be teaching a segment and we were told that this was our time to "show her what we've got". I was extremely nervous and felt enormous pressure. I would go first. I spent some time Sat night preparing and making a 3x5 card of what I would do with notes on what I wanted to say. Then I put together Erin's birthday present. Sunday was her birthday and she asked for tree frogs. I arrived Sun morning, leaving my birthday girl, to the studio a blaze with hustle and bustle and nervous energy. Everyone was stressed. It was two minutes before I was to start, I got my 3x5 card and was told that we couldn't have notes. Breathe. While I was teaching I remember the moment that I choose to do this particular pose. It just happened. And I remember thinking...I'm doing this pose...I wasn't planning on doing this but it feels like I should do this. So, I went for it. Then I was done. The day continued. I was the student for two classes. Jolie gave me information on the office as I'll be starting to teach at the studio in a few weeks. This is all feeling very awkward already, I might add. I'm being tested but I've already been hired by the studio. AND I'm not feeling my best. I don't say anything about this and don't even want to tell you, my 1-2 blog readers because I hate being a whiner. So the day finally ends she has us get into a circle and then she proceeds to tell us a story about "failing" her driving test and the moral is that she became a better driver by this experience. I'm feeling uneasy. My gut is telling me something. The tension rises, the moment comes..."Barb!", she proceeds to rip into me, going on and on at length, too much, I get the point immediately that the pose I choose to do at the last minute...the one that just felt right was a dangerous pose and I didn't give people an alternative pose. She is going on and on about this "failure" in front of everyone and with a loud voice and aggressive body language. My gut is churning. I don't know what to do. I haven't any clue how to react. My gut is churning...I breathe and try to calm myself. Nothing is working. I don't want to be here in this moment. Then she starts into someone else. This brings me relief at first and then I notice that the person she's ripping into is crying, she can't stop, she keeps crying. It's getting worse. I'm no longer relieved I'm starting to feel angry.
Breathe. She moves on to the next person much to slowly...she's destroyed the poor crying woman. Why won't she stop? She rips into the other woman. My gut is doing somersaults. I need to leave this situation. I want to be out of there. At some point she actually said, "It would be so much easier to not do anything. This is very hard for me.". What did she just say?...this hurts me more than it hurts you. Isn't that what parents have been known to say as they're spanking their children?


Finally, I leave...if I can just get out of the studio without having to talk to anyone. I'm out. I sit in the car and allow the feelings to rush out. I'm so humiliated and hurt. Not because I don't welcome the opportunity to have to do it again...I wasn't feeling my best and wanted to teach it over anyway. I'm humiliated and hurt because the way she did this was completely insensitive and hurtful. It was inappropriate. I can't believe that I've had to sit through this humiliation . I've never had this form of negative feedback in a room filled with people.

I come home...my parents are here...Joanie's girl's spent the weekend and they are over...their dad is here too. We're having Erin's birthday dinner with cake. I spend the evening talking to Joel about Joannie...her funeral, his memories. We cry and laugh. I miss her.

Finally, I go to sleep and I contemplate what happened at the studio. But, not for long...Rachel starts throwing up.