Grief

I don't claim to know everything about grief but what I do know is that everyone is different in the manner with which they will deal with the intense emotion. I've been blessed to be around a number of people at the end of their lives facing death. In our wellness group at Gilda's behind the double doors in the orange room I found a safe place where a group of people all diagnosed with cancer could talk about cancer. We've all heard the words, "I'm sorry Mrs/Mr X but you have CANCER.". At this point we all have to come to terms with the reality of mortality. Yes, we're all gonna die. And when you have cancer, when you have the scars physically and emotionally of this disease you just can't talk freely around your family or friends about cancer. I mean, sure you CAN. But, when you're in that room and you ALL have this thing in common you can speak freely and honestly in a way that you never could with friends and family. Friends and family are often caught in a cycle of their OWN grief and cannot support the person with cancer the way that they need. So, every week there is a group of very different individuals that gets together in that orange room and they laugh, cry and are honest about their LIVES about living with cancer. I think that we would all agree that we could not have met the challenges of cancer without these people. I love and loved everyone of them in a way that I didn't know I could love another. Pure love. Non-judging, no expectations and unconditionally.

So in the process of learning this Pure Love what I learned was that we can have compassion without ownership. What I mean is that someone elses death, someone elses disease is NOT mine to hold on to and integrate into my psyche. That is the difference in the orange room. We know that. We're not always perfect in integrating this difficult concept but we do understand it differently then untainted folks.

Renewal

So, I'm on this journey...you know the life journey...and I'm just muddling through and finding my way. I try to follow certain principles but sometimes the path isn't a clear path and well, do we need to stay on the beaten path. I mean, isn't it ok to blaze your own trail?

I want God or the Divine in my life always. But, God for me isn't about sitting down in a pew and genuflecting to God in the form of the miracle of the holy host. My God is so much bigger and present EVERYWHERE.

Somewhere I read that you'll know God because it will taste sweet...or be similar to that feeling. When I quiet myself and come to life without expectation or judgment I see and feel the sweetness of God in the form of my children's smiling faces among so many other things. Or I see God in the form of a touch from someone I love or breathing close to the person I love.

Along the way I realized that I needed to cultivate joy in my life if I was to become healthy. I do believe that the self cultivation of joy can only be met by joy in the world, the environment around you. So watch out...when you start this work...because like the snowball effect it will grow to the point that joy will pick you up and hurtle you through life with unbridled abandon.

Bone scan negative...thank you God.

Wednesday's Wonder

Turbulant balance
I'm dancing and flitting
Watching this and that
While reaching into the depths of the earth
Grounded
Reaching out to the universe
I'm quiet and loud
I'm a spiritual being who needs to be loved and touched
I am this body
I'm not this body
I am this mind
I'm not this mind
Meet me today and you'll meet an angry bitch
Meet me today and you'll meet a princess
Right is this way
Wrong is that way
I go both ways
And bring my shadow with me