Skunked

Well, two down. I had my second chemo treatment on Monday. They almost didn't give it to me because my WBC count was so low due to their oversight in mentioning a shot I needed to get two days after my first chemo to boost things back to normal. My doctor "ate crow" (his words). And allowed me to get the chemo even though he doesn't usually go below 1000 and my levels were at 800. But, I panicked as I had the next week planned to a tee for childcare etc. and he relented. I'm taking Cipro profilactically and got my shot exactly 24 hours after chemo and have taken my germophobia to great heights. Those who know me would be amazed that I could battle bacteria better than I did before...

I was starting to turn the corner yesterday. I ate some dinner and was feeling ok. Not great...still wanting to curl up and die but better. At 11pm I was starting to doze off when the worst, most pungent smell overtook my entire being. I ran out of my room to meet a pie-eyed Paul saying there's a skunk. It turns out the skunk hit Stella, our 3 pound Chihuahua. The smell is everywhere. I just gave Stella a bath in tomato soup because I didn't have the energy to go to the store and get V-8, which everyone tells me works great. We bathed her in dish soap and one of my nice smelling conditioners and that sort of worked too. My hands picked up the stink from the tomato soup bath and I've washed them no less than 10 times in the last hour. Of course, this doesn't bode well for increasing my appetite or keeping the nausea at bay but it does get me out of bed...because the stink is worse if I'm not moving.

Off Week

Well, I feel normal now. Really weird, because I felt like dog poop just a few days ago. The chemo week sucks. The first few days are like a fog. The meds keep you drugged so you don't really know how bad you feel then you stop taking the meds a little before you stop needing them and POW! you feel like shit, unless you keep taking the "as needed" drugs that kind of take the edge off. Toaward the end of the "chemo week" I started getting hot flashes too and my bowels and pee smelled like liquid sludge from Love Canal. I also had sore lymphnodes at the end of the week as my body worked overtime to purge the rot from my system.

This week I'm feeling fairly normal. I'm starting to feel like myself, just in time to start the whole ball rolling again on Monday, July 24th. Chemo II.

Lost days sort of...

Well, it's thursday. I'm starting to come out of my fog. It wasn't so bad but I was out of it. Very tired and just feeling "funny". It's hard to describe. I'm not sure how much was the chemo or what was the effects of the very strong anti-nausea meds. Oh, well. After my morning nap today, I ate some soup and felt a little better.

I've had enormous support. My cousin Mary has come every morning to make sure my kids are fed and hangs out with them while I take my morning nap. Wow. She does dishes, makes lunch too and lets the kids play on the tramp and jump in the sprinkler. Oh, AND she goes grocery shopping. My mom came by one evening, my dad took the car in to be serviced, my mom and dad spent 7 hours here watching the kids while I had my chemo infusion, blood work etc. My cousin, Sarah, spent a few hours playing with the kids yesterday and my sister watched my kids while I went to a New Member meeting at Gilda's club. Which is located in this very cool mansion in Buffalo with all sorts of support groups, art, yoga, tai chi classes and the taa daa....Noogie Land for KIDS! It's the entire basement of the mansion set up for kids. These are all kids living with cancer in their family -- a safe place. Just what my kids need.

I'm kinda outta it...can't remember the days...my brain is foggy. But, I'm doing ok.

One down...

I had my first chemo infusion today. Looking back at the last few posts, I see that I was really bugging out leading up to this. I'm not sure why I've been so freaked out...maybe the move to a new state, new cancer docs etc or maybe it's just the freaking breast cancer and everything that goes with it. Who knows? As my kids say, "Too bad, so sad."

I feel a little "funny". Not sick or anything just weird. I feel a little nausea just under the surface but it's being kept at bay with enormous amounts of anti-nausea meds. Better keep those up.

MR f 'ing I

After the appt for the unnecessary ductogram and after the weeping in the radiologist's office and after she asked me what I wanted to do, did I want an MRI, I just cried. When I met this radiologist she was a close talker, right in my face and making me feel very awkward. Her first words out of her mouth were, "So, you choose to have chemo." This in itself-- through me into a tizzy. It made things sould like a want something that isn't a reasonable option. I KNOW I'm sensitive to it. And maybe they are too...but I have the entire tumor board at Johns Hopkins behind me. It is the right thing to do. It wasn't really a choice. I need chemo. I have cancer cells in 4 of my lymphnodes and they've figured out how to move. I need chemo. Anyway, I asked for an MRI over a month ago...to check to see if the 1mm invasive tumor in my breast IS the primary tumor. Dr 'nucci hemmed and hawed and called Dr Levine and wanted to know what I thought. I honestly had no thoughts except that I wanted to be done with this scene...the cancer scene. Finally she said yes. I'd get a call in the morning for the MRI. They called at 10 and asked if I could be there by noon. My mom came and picked up my kids and I went.

It was one of the worst moments of this entire process. I was alone in this scary tube trying to communicate with the staff and no one was listening and they didn't respond to my shouting or hand waving. Finally I just gave up and tried to calm myself from having a nervous breakdown--breathe, breathe, pray, breathe, no use my heart is bounding out of my chest. I try again to say something during the lull in the machine...nothing. I move my hands...nothing. Finally the test is over and they pull me out. I say, "That was really tough. I didn't expect that." The dumb ass nurse said to me, "Well, some things you need to study up on." I could feel the emotion bubbling up to the surface...the sobbing begins...as I say"You want me, the person who just moved to thia state less than 1 week ago, with 3 small children, diagnosed with breastcancer, starting chemo on Monday to do more research on this machine that you are supposidly an expert on. Tell me ... what is your job? ::::::sob::::: Defensive nurse now says, "Well, didn't they talk to you during the test?" :::::sob:::: "No!" "Oh, that's why." As I was leaving, the woman who did my test said, "You looked so calm and you didn't move, I didn't know there was a problem. Next time take adivan (sedative)"

Things I thought about while I was in the machine alone and frieghtened for 50 minutes.

• My kids and how strong they are.
• My husband.
• Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Said some Hail Mary's and Lords Prayers.
• mantra...I am beautiful and perfect.
• had a few nam myoho renge kyo's flash by
• monty python players making sound effects with coconuts thanks to "cancer made me a shallower person"

I'm really glad that's over.

I shaved my haed this evening. It's phase I. There is still hair...maybe 3/8" . It looks alright. R &E helped with the clipping. I'll wait to shave it bald until after Monday.

I'm Here

We are now in the new house. It's funny, I haven't had that moment where you wake up and wonder where you are or think you're in the old place. I'm just here, finally, and it's as if I've always been here. I am walking into walls and sconces because I don't have the subtleness down of the exact amount of steps it takes to get from the front door to the kitchen and from the bedroom to the bathroom but it feels like home. If you think living with a bizzilion boxes and crap everywhere is home. There is also one not so pleasant aspect to this house...it stinks. I will be ripping out some carpet tomorrow while P is at work so, he can't protest. We haven't ordered new carpet so we'll be living with sub-floor but anything is better than the horrible reek. There are just a few places where it stinks and one place is our bedroom and the master bath. Yuk. That's all I need during chemo. About chemo...well, I will be starting Monday. My doctors at Johns Hopkins are pretty adement about it...my doc here in Buffalo could go either way. Buffalo doc says the micromets are pretty small and "MIGHT" not be a problem. Docs at JH say the cancer has developed the ability to metastisize and this needs to be treated with chemo regardless of the size of the micromets. Doc in Buffalo is going to treat with chemo but really put it on my shoulders to decide. Although I have the entire tumor board at Johns Hopkins behind me it still sucks to be the one responsible for this treatment and doc in Buffalo seemed to really put it on my shoulders. I'm scared and nervous about starting chemo and the LAST thing I want is a doc that might not be behind the decision 100%. We'll see how things go on Mon, now that the treatment plan is made. The docs and pathologists don't agree on my diagnosis. Buffalo pathologists say...not micromets and are looking at it as NOT node positive. Johns Hopkins pathologists say...2 nodes + with micromets and additional 2 nodes with isolated cancer cells. Is it node neg, 2 nodes pos or 4 nodes pos? Who the hell knows? They've agreed to disagree my onc said. Great. That's a good plan when you're in second grade and arguing on the playground, it's polite and all, but I want consensus here. Oh, well. (btw, I'm having a problem with starting a new paragraph...so this will be a run-on paragraph post) I went to an appointment today and had a mini-nervous breakdown. I was scheduled for an unecessary test--a ductogram. I kept telling my "new" docs that I didn't need it but they wouldn't listen until finally today after she sqeezed the hell out of my nipple. She said, "Oh, you don't have any bloody discharge. It's milk." Yeah, I've been trying to tell you that. My daughter just weaned you weanies. I'd had two appointments and made a phone call to explain this and still she sqeezed the dickens out of me. After that I just sorta lost it. I was sobbing with my head in my hands and I think I was saying things like,...this is just a bad (---sob!---) day, I had to get a sitter (---sob!--) and I knew (---sob!---) I didn't need this test. The radiologist was sympathetic and listened and was suppportive and I may have got her attention...though it wasn't my intention. I was just sick and tired and freaking out. This whole thing is rotten. Moving, three young kids (with no friends in a new STATE), living out of boxes in a house that has a bit of a stink and dealing with cancer and about to start chemo. (---sob!---) breathing...in...out...here's the good news...1. we have ducks, geese, heron, and bunnies in our backyard creek that I can see from my bedroom and living room 2. my husband went from a 1.5 hr commute to a 15 min commute 3. I bought a 42" plasma flat screen tv and the satellite people are coming tomorrow 4. I love the house (except for the stink) 5. decorating will be fun 6. I'm here!