Yeah

I was melencholic. I ended up crying for a few days. I just had a deep and overwhelming sadness that needed to release. I have just woke up from a nightmare. I found a picture of me and Celia. I think it was taken a few months before I was diagnosed. She is nursing from my left breast. My breast that now has a big chunk taken out of it and has been radiated 30 times with whopper gamma rays. I'm so happy to be where I am but do love to look at that picture taken just prior to the nightmare.

Thanks be to God

I'm rather melancholic today. Seems as though I've woke up from a dream, a nightmare but I have that lingering sadness or fear from a night of fowl dreams. I'm sure it will subside but I want to acknowledge it.

We went to church yesterday for the first time in a while. We felt obligated since Erin will be celebrating her First Penance in a few weeks. We've been sending the kids off to Religious Education but not attending mass. Yes, we're catholic. This is how it happened. I was brought up by hippies and had no formal religious teaching though we did attend a Presbyterian church for a short time when I was in elementary school. I then attended church with a friend's family in high school. I was drawn to learning about religion and spirituality. I was even voted "most philosophical" in high school, whatever that means. When I went to college I became a Buddhist. I chanted nam myoho renge kyo and subscribed to the devotion of the mystic law of cause and effect. But, there was a disconnect for me because the religion was tied up in the culture of Japanese Buddhism. I couldn't completely relate. I married Paul, a professed atheist brought up in a catholic family. We were married by a JOP and didn't think much about religion until we were in the Peace Corps and surrounded by a surreal mix of Catholicism and Mayan tradition. It was amazing. We started attending church and I became connected to Catholicism from a religious and cultural stand point. My peops were Irish Catholic. And then we went to Esquipulus a small town on the Guatemala and El Salvador border. The town's church has the statue Jesus Negro or the Black Jesus. It is a statue known for granting miracles. We watched as people crawled on their knees from the town's border to the church. It was an incredible spectacle. And it was there in that church that both Paul and I had a palpable sense of God. A month later I became pregnant with Rachel and during my pregnancy I attended RCIA (Roman Catholic Initiation for Adults) classes with Father Tito in Norwich, CT. Father Tito was an amazing man and true saint. Paul and I were remarried in the church and all our children have been given Catholicism as their base for spirituality. I know that many people have problems with "the church" and there are times when I do too but the fundamental teachings are profound and resonate with me. I continue to connect with the energies and teachings of other spiritual leaders and religions but am Catholic. Don't be frightened. I'm still a HathaMama. I still meditate each day in an effort to quiet the mind. I do yoga and believe in power of chanting Om and I bow to you with respect--Namaste.

still snowy

I couldn't figure out how to upload a song onto my website. But, please check the song out. It's on Putumayo Presents ONE WORLD, MANY CULTURES

I am well and continue to enjoy one day at a time.

we miss you molly

OK, so sometimes I want to play in the land of da Nile. What's wrong with that? Just a day or two pretending there is no such word as the word that must not be named...begins with c....shhhhhhhh! So I'm trying to frolic on the shores of da Nile when I hear that Molly Ivins dies. I'm really sad over this for a number of reasons that I'll get to later.

then...I tried to escape at the JCC where we are new members and I'm trying to get in shape. Three miles on the treadmill was my limit. I am so out of shape. Anyway, on the TV in front of my treadmill...2 times in the 45 minutes I was huffing through my 3 miles...there was that commercial with the guy who is dying from lung cancer and he's talking about missing his sons and then it says he's been dead since 1991. For some reason, I thought he was still alive and that little thing just nearly threw me off the back of my treadmill going at a snails pace. Cancer sucks. I've seen the t-shirts and I always thought I'd wear the ribbons before I wore the pissed off cancer sucks paraphernalia. But, I'm seriously considering tattooing something dark like...cancer sucks...next to my cancer fairy or whatever I get.

I need to start thinking about my next tattoo which will commemorate my cancer journey. I didn't expect to get another so soon. I have one that I got when I got married...sunshine on my shoulder. Another commemorating the end of childbearing...a Celtic circle with 3 intertwining images with a colored dot representing my 3 girls. I have no idea what image would best encompass this journey...my aunt wanted me to get a pink ribbon and she wanted one too. I was repulsed at the thought of tattooing a pink ribbon on my body. That would feel to much like "claiming the cancer" to me. No offence to my aunt or anyone else that tats a pink ribbon on their flesh. It's just not for me.

OK, back to Molly Ivins who had INFLAMMATORY BREAST CANCER. Yes, I said INFLAMMATORY BREAST CANCER (IBC). This is a rare but VERY aggressive form of breast cancer. There is NO cure. There is keeping it at bay for awhile...sometimes a long while...sometimes a short while...but NO cure. Every woman and husband and sister and mother and brother should know what this disease is and how it effects entirely too many families.

:::::breathe::::

Molly Ivins' last article

link to article

Enough is Enough
By Molly Ivins
The Texas Observer
Friday 26 January 2007
Stop it. Now.
The purpose of this old-fashioned newspaper crusade to stop the war is not to make George W. Bush look like the dumbest president ever. People have done dumber things. What were they thinking when they bought into the Bay of Pigs fiasco? How dumb was the Suez war? How massively stupid was the entire war in Vietnam? Even at that, the challenge with this misbegotten adventure is that WE simply cannot let it continue.
It is not a matter of whether we are losing or will lose. We have lost. Gen. John P. Abizaid, until recently the senior commander in the Middle East, insists that the answer to our problems there is not military. "You have to internationalize the problem. You have to attack it diplomatically, geostrategically," he says.
His assessment is supported by Gen. George W. Casey Jr., the senior American commander in Iraq, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who recommend sending more forces only if there is a clear definition of their goals.
Bush's call for a "surge" also goes against the Iraq Study Group. Talk is that the White House has planned to do anything but what the group suggested after months of investigation based on much broader strategic implications.
About the only politician out there besides Bush calling for a surge is Sen. John McCain. In a recent opinion piece, he wrote: "The presence of additional coalition forces would allow the Iraqi government to do what it cannot accomplish today on its own-impose its rule throughout the country ... By surging troops and bringing security to Baghdad and other areas, we will give the Iraqis the best possible chance to succeed." With all due respect to the senator from Arizona, that ship has long since sailed.
A surge is not acceptable to the people in this country - we have voted overwhelmingly against this war at the polls and in the polls. (About 80 percent of the public is against escalation, and a recent Military Times poll shows only 38 percent of active military want more troops sent.) We know this is wrong. The people understand, the people have the right to make this decision, and the people have the obligation to make sure our will is implemented.
Congress must work for the people in the resolution of this fiasco. Sen. Ted Kennedy's proposal to control the money and tighten oversight is a welcome first step. If Republicans want to continue to rubber-stamp this administration's idiotic "plans" and go against the will of the people, they should be thrown out as soon as possible, to join their recently departed colleagues.
Anyone who wants to talk knowledgeably about our Iraq misadventure should pick up Rajiv Chandrasekaran's Imperial Life in the Emerald City: Inside Iraq's Green Zone. It's like reading a horror novel. You just want to put your face down and moan: How could we have let this happen? How could we have been so stupid?
As The Washington Post's review notes, Chandrasekaran's book "methodically documents the baffling ineptitude that dominated U.S. attempts to influence Iraq's fiendish politics, rebuild the electrical grid, privatize the economy, run the oil industry, recruit expert staff or instill a modicum of normalcy to the lives of Iraqis."
We are the people who run this country. We are the deciders. And every single day, every single one of us needs to step outside and take some action to help stop this war. Raise hell. Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous. Make our troops know we're for them and trying to get them out of there. Hit the streets to protest Bush's proposed surge. If you can, go to the peace march in Washington on Jan. 27. We need people in the streets, banging pots and pans and demanding, "Stop it, now!"

You will be missed Molly!