I was melencholic. I ended up crying for a few days. I just had a deep and overwhelming sadness that needed to release. I have just woke up from a nightmare. I found a picture of me and Celia. I think it was taken a few months before I was diagnosed. She is nursing from my left breast. My breast that now has a big chunk taken out of it and has been radiated 30 times with whopper gamma rays. I'm so happy to be where I am but do love to look at that picture taken just prior to the nightmare.
2 comments:
Hey Barb! I just wanted to tell you that the picture you posted is beautiful. And I want to tell you that I often find myself doing the same....weeping profusely over the pictures of my children nursing at my breasts. I look at my sunken, scarred chest and sometimes have to dig out the pictures to feel grateful that cancer happened after I got to nurse my girls. And then, sometimes the opposite happens and I rage b/c I no longer have breasts and that beast that is my cancer not only wants to make my little girls have a 'mutilated Mom,' but even more horribly - NO Mom.
Your entry has let me share that venom and grief.
BUT today, friday - despite being my weekly chemo day - has been good. I have enjoyed every moment. Even chemo; even PACKING (!) Because we are taking a family trip ! We are making memories for my girls. We are leaving (driving) for Maine tomorrow morning.
I hope that you have fun plans for the kids' break too. It can be all good - we just have to turn our brains around a little more than 'untouched' folks to do that.
All my love - joanie
Love you, Joanie!
Now that chemo and radiation are over where do you want to go, Barb?
Yup, we're going to Disney World!!
I can't wait! We're leaving on Tuesday. We'll be in Orlando for a few days and then off to the beach. We want to see Manatees too.
Miss you, Joanie!
Hugs,
Barb
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