I'm Here

We are now in the new house. It's funny, I haven't had that moment where you wake up and wonder where you are or think you're in the old place. I'm just here, finally, and it's as if I've always been here. I am walking into walls and sconces because I don't have the subtleness down of the exact amount of steps it takes to get from the front door to the kitchen and from the bedroom to the bathroom but it feels like home. If you think living with a bizzilion boxes and crap everywhere is home. There is also one not so pleasant aspect to this house...it stinks. I will be ripping out some carpet tomorrow while P is at work so, he can't protest. We haven't ordered new carpet so we'll be living with sub-floor but anything is better than the horrible reek. There are just a few places where it stinks and one place is our bedroom and the master bath. Yuk. That's all I need during chemo. About chemo...well, I will be starting Monday. My doctors at Johns Hopkins are pretty adement about it...my doc here in Buffalo could go either way. Buffalo doc says the micromets are pretty small and "MIGHT" not be a problem. Docs at JH say the cancer has developed the ability to metastisize and this needs to be treated with chemo regardless of the size of the micromets. Doc in Buffalo is going to treat with chemo but really put it on my shoulders to decide. Although I have the entire tumor board at Johns Hopkins behind me it still sucks to be the one responsible for this treatment and doc in Buffalo seemed to really put it on my shoulders. I'm scared and nervous about starting chemo and the LAST thing I want is a doc that might not be behind the decision 100%. We'll see how things go on Mon, now that the treatment plan is made. The docs and pathologists don't agree on my diagnosis. Buffalo pathologists say...not micromets and are looking at it as NOT node positive. Johns Hopkins pathologists say...2 nodes + with micromets and additional 2 nodes with isolated cancer cells. Is it node neg, 2 nodes pos or 4 nodes pos? Who the hell knows? They've agreed to disagree my onc said. Great. That's a good plan when you're in second grade and arguing on the playground, it's polite and all, but I want consensus here. Oh, well. (btw, I'm having a problem with starting a new paragraph...so this will be a run-on paragraph post) I went to an appointment today and had a mini-nervous breakdown. I was scheduled for an unecessary test--a ductogram. I kept telling my "new" docs that I didn't need it but they wouldn't listen until finally today after she sqeezed the hell out of my nipple. She said, "Oh, you don't have any bloody discharge. It's milk." Yeah, I've been trying to tell you that. My daughter just weaned you weanies. I'd had two appointments and made a phone call to explain this and still she sqeezed the dickens out of me. After that I just sorta lost it. I was sobbing with my head in my hands and I think I was saying things like,...this is just a bad (---sob!---) day, I had to get a sitter (---sob!--) and I knew (---sob!---) I didn't need this test. The radiologist was sympathetic and listened and was suppportive and I may have got her attention...though it wasn't my intention. I was just sick and tired and freaking out. This whole thing is rotten. Moving, three young kids (with no friends in a new STATE), living out of boxes in a house that has a bit of a stink and dealing with cancer and about to start chemo. (---sob!---) breathing...in...out...here's the good news...1. we have ducks, geese, heron, and bunnies in our backyard creek that I can see from my bedroom and living room 2. my husband went from a 1.5 hr commute to a 15 min commute 3. I bought a 42" plasma flat screen tv and the satellite people are coming tomorrow 4. I love the house (except for the stink) 5. decorating will be fun 6. I'm here!