Breast cancer awareness month comes at my favorite time of year. I always loved the autumn growing up in Western New York, our summers are fantastic and the burst of autumn reds, yellows and umber are the finale in the fireworks of birth and death, apparent in our leaves. Autumn is my time for quiet reflection, walking alone in the woods of life, introspection, but now forever interrupted by the ever-visible pink ribbons of October.
On October 28, 2010, I was on my way to San Francisco, one of my favorite cities filled with memories from my youth. I remember being in my 20s and getting to know the entire city by bus, cable car and train. In the airport leaving Buffalo, leaving Breast Cancer Awareness month yet again, a zinger hits me and brings me back to my torture called a year with breast cancer. I want to refer to the following story as an act of poetic justice but find myself wishing that poetic justice was a simple haiku of an experience and hopefully it will become that but for know it is a monumental and striking moment in my life that bears a permanent scar on my body and soul.
The lady behind the USAirways counter was pleasant and helpful. She was attractive in a put together way that many women in their 40s maintain and I seem forever a day late for. As she was typing away at the keys to bring up my ticket my eyes were drawn to her flair and the pink ribbon pin in contrast to her gray and navy USAir uniform. It was striking and instantly drew my eyes in and focused my attention. I marveled at the color contrast hoping that I wouldn’t be sucked into thinking how the disease was personal to me, it’s rather egotistical anyway and really, I thought, why do I have to have an emotional reaction every time I see a pink ribbon. I tried to take in other parts of her flair and even her perfectly manicured nails with the maroon color and her diamond rings she had a few and her diamond, ruby and sapphire bracelet depicting the USA and the notion of patriotism gone too far could not bring me from reliving my cancer and thinking that I am a face to the ribbon. My hope in survival, going on 5 years come March is what is represented in the ribbon. That my clinging to the benchmark of 5 years is the statistical hope which often gets confused with a cure. We do have hope. We do have strength. We do have survivors. But we have no cure. I’m there. I’m thinking and living the real fear and strength and indeed poetic justice of a pink ribbon. Pink. I always hated pink. Not viscerally. I mean I didn’t mind it but it was not a go to color for me. Growing up my favorite color was blue. I loved blue. Everyone in my family had blue eyes and I loved everyone in my family and if the eyes are the gateway to the soul then I loved the color blue. It didn’t have anything to do with the fact that I was a tomboy or didn’t particularly enjoy engaging in Barbie Doll play and preferred sports. Though these things are true. I just liked blue. But I didn’t like pink because it was thrust on me as a girl and from a very young age I questioned and pushed up against these constructs of male and female.
So, back to my trip to SF and being at the ticket counter…Iwas thinking all this and mentally writing the discourse on pink ribbons from the survivor’s standpoint when after being pleasantly greeted by security I was ushered to the machine. I’d seen the machine plenty of times as I’d travelled frequently as part of one of my 3 jobs. But I was never told to stand with my hands like antlers as I was radiated with low fairly benign x-rays. I was in a panic. Not put in a machine again. Dammit where’s my ativan. “This is not fun for me. I’m a breast cancer survivor and I don’t want to enter a machine and be radiated.” I say in desperation and near panic. “You don’t have to do this maim.” “You don’t have to do this,” he says again as I instantly feel surrounded by security and stares. As I get my wits about me, I say, “Fine. I’d rather not go through this,” when I notice the young lady, an attractive petit blond woman who seemed apologetic as she said she would have to “gently” pat me down. AHHHHH! A touching instead? Panic gives way to sheer and utter despair at my post traumatic stress reaction to being touched and patted down. I’m brought right back to being trapped into being poked prodded, scaned and radiated. I remember nothing about anything more than one foot from my nose. I walked into the machine and put my hands on my head like antlers and hear in the background of my mind in a different place distant voices that are saying things like…”oh, you are going through the scanner then.” “One moment” “Wait” “OK done” And with a certain detachment I gather my belongings and race to a coffee and a seat and recovery. I’ve survived another breast cancer awareness month.