motherhood is a crazy profession

P came to town to see oldest in her school musical last weekend. I try to take advantage of these times when he's here to get some me time. So, yesterday I went to the movies and then walked around a bookstore. I bought myself a book on tape because I thought that listening to inspirational writing in the car would help relax me. It's a time when all the kids are restrained and I can almost feel free. It's somewhat like my shower yoga practice. A period of time when I can be doing something but also take a moment to practice contemplation.

I bought the Power of Now.

My middle child got sick today. Well, she's had a fever for a few days but today I noticed some giant glands and she just wasn't herself. She was writhing in pain on the couch. So, I took her to get checked. No strep but the Dr. thought it could be the flu. Yuk. It was nearly dinner time and the kids were hungry so I ordered some food from the joint next to the Doctor's office and got it to go. I gave some of the food to the kids in the back of the car and I stuck in the first part of my book on tape. It was beautiful. The author is an amazing guru, at least, that's what I got from the first 5 minutes that I was able to listen to him. The kids started whining in the back seat that they wanted to go home and not drive around the block. I just wanted to listen, to contemplate and be. The guru was talking about his past when he hated himself and how odd it was that he saw himself as two people the one who emanated hate and the other who received hate...he became conscience when he integrated those two beings. That's when he saw infinite beauty and purpose, when he was at peace and one.

I was just starting to groove on this idea, when from the backseat my kids started whining and insisting.

"I WANT TO LISTEN TO THIS TAPE!", I screamed at the top of my lungs. "WHY CAN'T I HAVE 5 MINUTES TO LISTEN TO MY TAPE, TO DO MY THING? WHY?"

Now I know why there are very few guru mothers. Most Hindu female saints celebrated celibacy and I understand why.

There is a very prominent part of the vocation of motherhood that is selfless. It isn't about personal growth of me, the individual. It's about the kids. The growth comes from understanding that, from playing in that hazy and unclear area. They are from us, in fact there is a moment directly following birth, prior to the cord being cut when they haven't taken their first breath but they've been born when they are a separate and completely connected being. It's profound. Throughout the hours, days, and years we spend time between being their selfless protector and encouraging judgeless freedom.

But, damn it's crazy and hard as hell. And there ain't many mothers in history that were philosophers and I know why.

I'm Tired

I think that everytime I sit down to write these days, I could start out by saying,... I'm tired. It's disturbing. Yesterday, I spent 18 hours at John's Hopkins. It was fabulous. I was honored to be with a woman who had a successful VBAC. It was joyous and I'm so happy that I could be there to help her in any small way. Truly an honor. Then I came home and have visitors from CT. K and her son S. K was a doula client who became a friend. :) I'm S's Godmother too. What a blessing for me to have them in my life. And they were here when I got the call that B was in labor. K was here and watched my kids. Awesome. S is cute BUT one year old. It's exhausting just with my three kids and after being away so long, my kids are rebelling to boot. My little one told me she didn't like me today. Great. She's pissed that her older sister has been her primary caregiver for a couple of days. I don't blame her but I'm tired. I'm tired from work, they're needy, I've got house guests. I want to change this schtick. I'm over it. I don't want to be tired anymore. I want a simple life, I think. But, does tired go along with exciting? Can you have an exciting life, 3 kids, friends, interests, be a giving person and NOT be tired? I'm so tired, I don't know! Help.

Fucking Tired

P has been here all week helping get shit together to sell this damn house. Painting, fixing, moving, packing, etc. He took a week off work, leave with out pay to do it. He says they're fine with it but it is a bit odd to work at a new job for 3 weeks and then take a week off. I can't worry about that.

I've found that when I'm tired I have such a potty mouth. A client called with breastfeeding questions the other day and I peppered my advice for increasing milk supply with a fuck load of expletives. Damn.

Too tired....must go.