9/28/06

Kids home
Erin got sick last night at
Friends house for dinner
Saw old mentor -- Walter
Taught me to be activist
Found out not gene mutation
Good news
I guess wonder why if not genes
Nurture or Nature
Was it environment I created or
Environment you created

And still it rains...

Yes, it's true.

This is not the most flattering bald shot but it is a bald shot. Rachel got a cell phone with a camera and took this very close shot with her phone. This is me now. The hair isn't coming in yet either. I feel a little stubble but there isn't anything to show for it...I still look bald.

Thanks for the Materials *

Since I was diagnosed with cancer I've had many friends and acquaintances give me books, articles and recordings about disease, healing, nutrition, etc. I love to read these things and always, take what I need and leave the rest but sometimes, when I'm not feeling super confident, I wonder if there is the slightest bit of criticism on the part of those who send me these books. It's as if people think I'm lacking some insight or understanding into why I have this disease or how I can heal from it. I know that this isn't their motivation, or at least isn't the motivation of most of my friends, but I wonder.

I've sent numerous books on parenting/breastfeeding/birth to many of my friends and relatives. I always thought that I had a perspective that they may not know. I'm certain that I've helped a number of people find their way in parenting by sending them books but I may have also made some feel criticized. This is new insight for me.

I think I'll start asking new parents to share with me their new perspectives, insights and knowledge. What have they learned on this journey of parenting? I certainly don't know more than anyone and don't assume to know what an individual is ready to hear or learn. Everyone is on their own path.

So, now that things have calmed down and I'm feeling better and becoming more myself. I realize that I have the knowledge, the strength, and the ability to heal within ME. Not in a book, a religion, a specific prayer. If these things resonate with my inner being than they can help me to heal or to tap into my own strength and ability to heal.

* This isn't meant to make anyone feel bad or not send interesting articles. I love the information. This is about me and how I receive the information.

Finding Compassion

This seems to be turning into a cancer blog. It's ok. It's me now.

Paul's grandpa died on Monday and his family is converving on WNY. This will be a lesson in compassion. There a few members of Paul's immediate family that have not attempted ANY contact during the "chemo" experience. It's so glaringly insensitive, as I've received dozens of prayers, notes and e-mails from good friends and some acquantances even. I met a friend of a friend last summer one time. She sent me a lovely card just saying she was thinking of me. Compassion. I know that some people are just not equipped to experience life. That's sad. That's the place where compassion comes from. Understanding that people's actions are not about me but about them, I suppose.

I'm very excited that I'm going to see His Holiness The Dalai Lama next week. He's speaking at UB.

Still not in a place of inspiration to write. Here is a link to a great essay from NPR. It's not about the hair. It's not.

Not About the Hair

Inner World

Clearly, I haven't been inspired to write lately.

I've been so caught up in dealing with getting healthy and making it through chemo. It's been a full time job. Also, I'm caught up in my inner world. I spend nearly the entire day visualizing, paying attention to my thought patterns and trying to make it through the "labor" of chemo. Really, it's been like a contraction...One giant 8 week contraction that took all my focus, energy and strength to endure.

And now, I'm slowly...slowly...starting to come out of it.