night sea journey

I'm enjoying the Yoga Teacher Training. I didn't think I'd ever go to school again...well, that's what I get for thinking. The cool thing about this training is that it allows me to practice and remember...all that I've learned this year. I'm also doing lots of reading which helps define the awakening or journey. Jung talks about the "night sea journey" that place where awakening or enlightenment comes from. I want to change my language. I'm done saying "cancer". I went on a night sea journey. Doesn't that sound wonderful. I feel that too. How lucky am I to have gone through my night sea journey?

night sea journey

Om, om, om.

Ahimsa

After the teacher training, I caught a flight to DC to meet with Lansinoh. I'm so happy that this beautiful company dedicated to breastfeeding mothers and babies came into my life. I love all the women I'll be working with and I couldn't ask for a better way to come back into my professional life that I love so dearly with this company. I landed in DC to the news of the VA Tech shooting...sweet ole' tech forever tarnished and saddened by this horrific and incomprehensible act. Breathe. The woman who sat next to me at the airport who brought forth a racial comment into the air between us, it made me sad and hurt, told me about the shooting. I was so close, in fact I rested in a place of violence in my heart with her—disgust, disdain. Subtle, in comparison to the horrific acts witnessed this week but none the less a place of anger, judgement, and non-compassion. And then tired and drained from a funeral, two day yoga event, first day back into my professional life and reactions of anger, judgement and non-compassion in the face of a deranged killer. This Ahimsa isn't easy and it's not about the meat!

Om Tryambhakam Yajamahe
Sugandim Pushtivardhanam
Urvarukamiva Bandhanan
Mrityor Mukshira Maamritat


Who is it that loves?

"Who is it that loves and who that suffers?

He alone stages a play with Himself.

The individual suffers because he perceives duality.

Find the One everywhere and in everything

and there will be an end to pain and suffering."
Sri Sri Anandamayi Ma

There is only one thing that IS non-violence and it is LOVE. Love freely to all...non-judgement, with complete compassion for all and for all of oneself. Love our perceived flaws, embrace all that is about us...there is no good nor bad there IS. It is and we choose to bounce within our minds back and forth between choosing good or bad. It is a coping mechanism passed down within our culture...that duality is but a short step from enlightenment.

It is how we interact within the pain of deep tragedy...it is a comfortable zone to react. I was driving with my dearest friend as the details of the tragedy unfolded before us on WPFW in DC traffic. We were shocked, frightened and deeply pained by what we heard. "The shooter, it has been confirmed has committed suicide at the scene." My words rung out and I felt the emotional judgment instantly..."COWARD!" But, it felt right to fill the silence with a base emotion that we could connect to in a way that would keep us from leaning into the point, the sharp point of sadness that this one individual impressed upon so many in a short violent instance. Later my friend had a similar reaction to the questionable choices of Bush. We were able to recognize our reactions and communicate the difficulty in being of the world...to be centered in the business and complications of life.

Ahimsa....

Yoga Teacher Training

I started my YTT yesterday. It was a long day of listening and trying to be open to the process. Unfortunately, what I need, my body, my soul is to close myself off and mourn. I was a little too open to the process yesterday. It was the first day and I didn't want to seem like a cold, bi-atch so, I chatted about my life, my cancer, my treatment, and gave a bit too much before I knew it. There is such a careful balance to all systems in our body and finding the perfect amount of opening and closing under emotional situations is difficult for the best of us. My prayer going into the training today will be that a bubble of light and energy surround me and protect me from all the emotion and life that is in the room and with me on this journey; I imagine a veil of gauze between me and everyone, I can see out and they can see in but it is a subtle protection.

I now know why I've been drawn to the writing and life of Sri Sri Anandamayi Ma. I think that there is a very strong connection between her and Felicitas (the owner of the yoga studio and my teacher at this training) and I was drawn to Felicitas through my admiration and love toward Ma (Sri Anandamayi Ma). Felicitas told a story about her name and though I knew her name meant happiness I didn't know that it was translated to the sanskrit Anandamay or Joy/Bliss. Life is full of connections. I will include a poem of Ma's and a picture.


"Joys and sorrows are time-born and cannot last.

Therefore, do not be perturbed by these.

The greater the difficulties and obstructions,

the more intense will be your endeavour to cling to His feet

and the more will your prayer increase from within.

And when the time is ripe,

you will gain mastery over this power."
Sri Sri Anandamayi Ma

Call at the Museum Today

Danny died. He is a kind and gentle soul. He leaves behind his beautiful wife Julie and wonderful children Ava, Will and John. Danny was in my group at Gilda's Club. His kids go to school with my kids at Smallwood. I am so sad for his family.

Breathe.

Living each moment.

In kindness and compassion and love.

Being truthful.

Connecting to that which is greater than this body.

In Humor, in joy.

In Peace.

Om,shanti,shanti,shanti.

Good Friday

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate, he suffered, died and was buried. On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead. And his kingdom will have no end.

one year

On March 31st, one year ago, Dr. Eisner called me and said, "I'm sorry but you have cancer". This picture is a of the note I wrote while on the phone with him. Just the facts. Now, one year later, I'm left with the scars from surgery and the scars from the ver intence emotional injury that I endured in an effort to be treated for cancer.

I just can't shake it off my back yet. It's still such a presence in my life.

It feels similar to how I felt when I returned from the Peace Corps after 2.25 years in Guatemala. The culture shock of entering into the first world again. I find it hard to enter into light conversations. I just want to be alone, pull the covers over my head and sleep. However, I'm not doing that. Instead, I'm taking on new jobs and projects that I'm excited by hoping that it will help shake the cancer off me.

On the anniversary of my diagnosis I cried. I wept. I couldn't stop. Paul held me and I cried, really cried for the first time in months.

I will be fine and so will you all. We need to just get on with the business of living and stop preparing to die.