I've had a very rough couple of weeks. I'm feeling very tired of things.
First, I found out that Erie County, the county that I live in, has decided in their infinite wisdom to drop WIC and hope that another agency picks it up. It is a federally funded service but the county can't afford to pay for benefits for WICs 40 employees. This city and county is hurting. The Buffalo Public schools have 97% of their student body receiving reduced priced lunches. This is poor city. How can they do this?
Josie's teacher and the special needs teacher in her class called me last week. She is disrupting the class by requiring lots of adult interaction and crying for silly reasons. She does cry a lot and she is fairly immature. I struggle frequently with how to best deal with this. I am a fairly experienced parent and I've been frustrated immensely by this child. She can be very stubborn and according to her Aunt (who loves her dearly) she can be manipulative. It is her nature. The thing that is most frustrating is that I'm new in this child's life. If my child were like this it would be easier to "know" what to do or maybe I just wouldn't question myself as much. There is a LOT of stigma being a step mother. About now you may be asking, "What is Dad doing about this?". Dad's response is to get frustrated by her immaturity and just do or tell her what to do OR he yells in frustration saying things like, "Josie, what are you thinking?". Not very productive. It's a tough situation. Now, he's trying to step back a bit and see if maybe I can do something different. This is taking a lot of my emotional energy. It requires so much time to correct the inappropriate behavior. I really just want it to go away. We are both very frustrated.
I did Shambhala Level II training at the end of Jan. This training was about fearlessness. To be fearless, one must face their fears. So, I spent hours in quiet contemplation facing my most intimate fears. ugh. There are the obvious fears...death, recurrence, injuries etc. But, here's a fear. The fear of judgement. That I'm judging of others AND myself and that when I remove the distractions of everyday life and am quiet with myself that I may not like who I am. The truth is that we are all flawed and that all judgements of others DO reflect on us. I'm not liking myself these days. I'm highly conscience of my impatient ways, the slight sarcasm in my voice, the times when I less than honest.
4 comments:
My step-mother is dying. She is old, 89, so it should be alright. It is and it isn't. She is a link to so much that is already gone.
After visiting her, Nick played the Patty Lawless song " How Can I Help You To Say Goodbye?" I cried. I don't cry often or easily. It is good to cry, but it is also hard to cry and scary.
I need to learn to let go more. I need to cry more and worry about crying less.
Josie. I've never met her. I know that she is a little girl. I know that she has lost her mother. How about your own sentiment "surrender"? Is it appropriate for Josie? For you?
Love you.
Me
I could come up with all kinds of stories and gleamed advise from raising Lu's children, but I don't take much stock in 'cheap talk.' You are loved and missed.
ttocS
All perfect words from my love posse. Today was retreat day in EAurora teaching yoga. Feeling better able to cope. Nothing a hot chocolate and warm snuggle comforter can't fix.
And for Josie...I hear her. It will be nice to have a night with just her this weekend while the other kids have plans. We need to spend time with her completely accepting her...unconditional love.
Barb,
I love your blog. I have only finished one of the many pages, but I adore the way you talk about things. I strive to face things as straight-on as you do. There is much work to do.
I know the longer you spend with your new daughter, the stronger she will grow.
Love you,
Mike
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