Foundation

Leaving my marriage was the hardest thing and the easiest thing I've ever done. Hard because I'd made a promise, a commitment. I still miss the idea of being married to the husband of my children. Sometimes I have an overwhelming sadness of loss. Loss of what could have been. I wanted something that I could never have with him. Other times I have sadness because I know that his family thinks that I left him. But, the truth is that he left me years before I physically left him. It's hard to know what started first though. My disappointment in Paul or his dissatisfaction in me. It really doesn't matter. We were incompatible and miserable. Not always though. There were good times and I sometimes remember those times and I'm sad. I wish there were more of them and I wish that we were still together (and happy like we never were) for our kids.

Sometimes I'm talking to him about the kid's schedules, 'cause that's all we talk about now, and my eyes will tear because of the history that we shared that now is gone. There are pictures but history is something that's shared and he and I don't share anything but the kids now. Over 17 years of living with someone you develop a language and experiences. We were in the Peace Corps, had three kids, lived in 6 cities, had 3 dogs, one cat, hamsters, and shared many vacations. On some perverse level I miss him and our history. I only have to talk to him on the phone to realize that what I miss about him is a fantasy of what I hoped for when I made the promise to marry him. I'd hoped he'd change. Marrying someone with potential is always a bad idea.

But, now I'm old with lots of history and starting over. Creating a new life for myself, new ways of relating with the person that I live with, learning from mistakes and trying to open myself to love and light and joy.