crap made cool

On Jan. 16 I was doing well, I thought. My husband started a job in NY a couple of weeks before and I was home with the 3 kids getting the house together to sell.. We'll stay and finish the school year and move into our perfect dream home shortly there after. Anyway, back to Mon the 16th. I got into a rhythm of taking the 10 year old to ballet, dropping the two smaller ones in the kid room at the ballet studio and working out at the gym attached to the ballet studio. It was great. That day I ran 3 miles on the treadmill and did some ab work. I was home an hour, and was putting everyone to bed. I was sitting in the recliner cuddling with the little one when the phone rang. I hopped up in my running shoes and sweaty clothes, bounded across the playroom and the next thing I knew I was aware of my ankle being pulled in the oppisite direction as my leg and it was rolling away from me pulling me hard to the ground to meet the most excruciating pain, a pain that sucks the air out of your lungs and there is nothing that can make it better short of general anesthesia. The phone stopped ringing but by the time it did my thoughts had flown ahead the next couple of weeks and back. I saw myself not walking, in pain while in the charge of 3 kids having to put my house on the market. How would I live in in our 3 story home.? How would I make it to bed that night, in my room two floors up?

I believe that every illness and injury is a sign or message from our bodies and our sub- conscience. There was a lesson to be learned here. What wasn't I hearing to make my body react so violently and insistantly?

Well, first and foremost, I would be forced to sit, to not walk, not pack, not clean, not DO anything. No yoga, no running, no working out. It was a time of quiet meditation. Be still first. My body didn't want me to think of everything I needed to do and couldn't, it wanted to be still. Be here and now. You can't work out, work on, move but you must be still.

Louise Hay says sprains and ankles are associated with a goodly amount of guilt. Hmm. Where was the guilt? We all hold on to guilt. Where there's anger, there's guilt. Guilt pulls us from the present, to our actions of the past. Looking back, we wish we'd done something different. If I had only known better...and our next thought often is one of anger...but it was the bitches fault. Dumb ass slut, whore, bitch, spawn of an evil coupling, drunken, abusive slob of a ... can't I just let go. And then the guilt comes in. Shit, how can I think so ill of another child of God. Buddhist see good in all sentient beings. The Hindus take it further and see the inherent worth in every thought, being, breath, all that is. Guilt brings us to the cross where Jesus saves us all from sin. My tears at the brutality of man come from a place of guilt. I don't want to sin. I want to be pleasing before God. I'm sorry, is a statement of guilt. So, guilt is not bad, but guilt out of balance isn't healthy. Forgiveness of myself of those who'd hurt me was the anecdote of guilt out of balance.

Thank you universe for all and everything. I'm in awe of all that is.