Tuesday

The kids are back to school. I'm home with the little one, a born again sahm. It feels good to have time, moments to reflect and focus on the things that are most important to me.

I'm packing things for the move, organizing and going through trunks of memorabilia. I saw papers from jr. high, English compositions from college and notes, letters and graffiti saved from years gone by. I found myself becoming reacquainted with the person I was and incorporating the better aspects of that person into myself now and forgiving the child that did not meet my expectations in retrospect. I was so eager to know everything but limited by others perceptions of me. There were collages of current events, poetry and scrapbooks filled with a child's achievements. There were the acting accolades, music recitals, philosophy quotes, and nearly all cards or letters ever sent to me in that trunk. It was my life.

I was struck by the many papers, compositions that asked for more..."You've given a glimpse of something special. I wish you'd explore it more". There was even a first grade report card that said something similar. It's so clear that something was holding me back. Fear? Where were my parents, the solid foundation from which I could gain stability and jump. I was such a child of alcoholics. There wasn't stability in my life. I couldn't take great risk and shoot for the stars because I never knew where I might land. It was better to stay close to the surface intellectually focusing on the obvious, doing the minimum to get by. It worked. I was able to create my own foundation after years, decades and a lifetime. I only now feel that I can take all that I know and shoot for the stars. I forgive that child that would rather watch TV, hang out with friends and smoke ( I even found an old Salem cigarette from the early 80s at the bottom of the trunk).