Snowing in Buffalo

I've been busy doing other things...rather than blogging. And that's good. However, I do enjoy the quiet lazy dayz that involve showering late, reading, meditating, wearing my robe late into the day, and thinking or not thinking about what I want to say, dream and bring into my life. Renumerate. After a yoga class this morning I had "that" afternoon...and so now I sit, showered and clean after a lazy afternoon.

Back from vacation. We went to Southern California...enjoyed Santa Barbara, hiking and even saw the lunar eclipse while laying in a king sized bed in a beautiful cabin in the woods; we watched the moon arc and change through the window in the eves. Wow. It was magical. We all enjoyed ourselves, however, Paul may have had the best time of all. That man needed a vacation.

We visited our dear friends and it was good to connect. Give hugs and be reminded that we all love one another. Celia didn't remember them much and it was good for her to re-meet the 5 kids. I needed to see and be with my friend. She is my sister, my chosen sister. She has known me for over 10 years, we've been through much. She reminds me of who I am, who I was and who I will be. I love her and her family.

I came home and spent two days in bed. I was sick. I got a cold and couldn't keep going. I had to stop. I'm feeling better now. I feel cleansed.

I went to look at some property for the birth center in Buffalo today. It's a nice space. A 5000+/- sq ft Victorian Home in the Elmwood district. Gorgeous. I have many suggestions and ideas and thoughts. However, this is not MY space. This is clear. I hope to support these 3 women in their efforts at the level that they've opened up to me. I see some organizational issues, there is not a lot of experience among the group. There is an organizational vacuum and I know how to fill it with the skills and effort that it will take but I can't take on that WHOLE job. Not now...I don't need this experience. When they offered me the VP position on the board one of the guys (the midwife's hubby) said, "It'll look good on your resume.". Dang, I don't need anything like this on my resume...my resume is filled with positions like this. I need to work...not as a volunteer...but to make money to support my family. I've done enough volunteer work in my life. It is a struggle though...to do as little as possible to bring me out of balance. And let's be honest...when you're after a buck it's hard to stay balanced. Yoga is good but it doesn't pay the bills.

I feel melancholic today. I have to get a bone scan on Friday. I've had some pain in my ribs in the area that I had radiated. My friend with stage 4 colon cancer has had lots of radiation and she thinks it might be pain from radiation...but it's been there for 6 months... and it's getting worse. Now, it could be the fact that I've had a cold and been coughing. The radiation compromises the bone and I may have broken an already sore rib, maybe. Or it could be nothing. Or it could be metastatic breast cancer that has spread to my bones. Anyway, I have to have a bone scan and another x-ray of my ribs. Yes, this is still a thing in my life. There were these "bad" cells and they cut them out and scorched and burned me to make sure they were all gone... but they still spend a lot of time looking out for a stray nasty cell. This cancer thing is like my diving bell...me, I want to be dreaming of butterflies and spring mornings.