JAM

My marriage wasn't filled with love. It's ok. I'm so happy that I met Paul, that he is in my life and that we brought forth 3 beautiful children. But, often it felt as though my marriage, my relationship with Paul was about constantly shoving my right foot in the left shoe. After time this was annoying and caused pain. Paul, especially, has wanted out for some time. I could go into the details of the difficulties in our marriage but it doesn't seem worth it. But, now we can "love" one another the way we always have without the pressure of knowing that that love wasn't the love of husband and wife. We are, in general, getting along much better now. But, for years we haven't lived as I know that God intended a husband and wife to live. Indeed, Paul is very happy that I have found "true love".

It certainly wasn't my goal or intention but a force beyond me and within me brought me to the person who I've wanted and somehow cosmically known my whole life. It was a gradual awakening. We became friends and each day I found that I wanted to share more with him. Until, one day I realized that like a freight train I couldn't stop my heart from bursting out of my chest and meeting his heart. Loving completely, authentically and unconditionally. If I were reading this, I might be harumphing at the glibness. I mean, come on.... But, I am in love for the first time in my life. This is no light statement. It is a bitter reality that I have been in a 17 year relationship, had 3 children and neither of us LOVED one another. I mean we "loved" one another like in Fiddler on the Roof...do you love me? yes, i love you. for 21 years i've washed your clothes, milked the cow, blah blah blah....yes, i love you.

But, what I've found with Joel is a connection of the heart. An emotional and spiritual connection that I couldn't live another day without.