Halloween

Geeze Louise. Tomorrow I'm starting NaNoWriMo. I'll be writing a novel in 30 days. I still am not sure which story I'm going to write yet. Yikes. I have a couple good ones brewing but don't have an idea of how they actually end or really a clear idea of where I'll start tomorrow. Crazy. I'll try to continue to blog throughout the process and may even include some excerpts.

I started a pottery class last Monday. I went again yesterday and as it turns out I'm great at it. The instructors were amazed. I think it's my super power that I gained from being dipped in chemo poison. Anyway, yesterday I cranked out two gorgeous bowls and 3 plates. Keep in mind this was my second class and most people were struggling with centering the clay on the wheel. I just love the feeling of clay, the abondonment of worry, life and everything when I'm working on a piece. I'm just concerned with molding it into something beautiful. It's so freeing. I wish I could spend my days in a studio. I haven't been happier in months, years? I don't know.

I'm actually enjoying the process of throwing clay more than writing. It's less emotional. It's just what it is and I don't have to explain myself or anyone else. I love it.

Saturday with electricity and phone!

I know. I know. It's "not about the hair" but can I tell you how geeked I am that my hair is coming back. Today when I came out of the shower and dried myself I was stunned when I rubbed my head and their was actually water accumulated in my fuzz. I was so thrilled. It's been months since I've had any hair. I slowly went shorter over the months in anticipation of possibly losing my hair so, that by the time it came out in clumps it was only about a quarter of an inch long. I had very thick hair and although it was short there were several million (who knows exactly how many hairs we have on our head?) very short hairs. Within a day I probably went down to 100 and then within the 2 months I was on chemo I probably went down to about 10 stray hairs. So, imagine my surprise when I could account for some water in my fuzz. Wow. I'm going to be done with this a be well, be better for it. This is a hopeful thought.

I love my radiation oncologist. She's right out of her residency and she's smart and idealistic. I love her. Her name is Dr. Fernando and she's great. My radiation techs are another story. There is one I kinda like. One is a smoker (yuk!) and she's the one that told me I'd get used to it. "It" being walking with a hospital gown untied through a waiting room full of people. I said that would be impossible and no one should be forced to lose their dignity even if they have cancer. I'm not "used to it" and choose to wear a sweater over my gown but IT is getting easier.

Ode to Jan and Mariam

I'm sad. She was someone I knew through the internet. I never actually met her and only corresponded with her once. She wrote Cancer Made Me a Shallower Person. I'm going to miss her though I'd never met her.

Jan from my wellness group died too. I'm so sad.

This freaking cancer thing. My tumor is getting smaller but the cancer experience continues to grow.

I'll miss you Jan and Mariam.

Friday the 13th Storm

Dear God,

I'm tired of drama. I'm hoping like crazy (and praying too) that 2007 will be UNeventful. I'm actually hoping it will be boring. I want time to read, clean, scrapbook, and just live. Anyway, hoping you get this message and put me on the books for nothing in '07.

Love, Barb

I'm living on a mattress on the floor at my parents. We have massive tree damage, a utility pole down in front of our house and it's freaking October!! What the...? I actually think that the epicenter of the storm was our house. It's like a war zone. I woke up Friday to 2 1/2 feet of snow and all the trees in our neighborhood damaged. We couldn't drive out of our house until late Saturday. I was supposed to start radiation on Friday. I didn't want to. I'm afraid I may have willed this storm into being so I could get out of radiation on Friday. It didn't really help, as it only prolonged the inevitable. I started radiation on Monday. It sucked, as I imagined it would.

It's a rotten, horrible joke that the woman (me) who hates hospitals and choose to have a homebirth now has to lay on a cold table and get radiated EVERY day for 6 weeks. It is wrecking havoc on my blood pressure. Every time I go in that fluorescent lamped, stark room with the giant machine that whirrs and whistles, my heart rate accelerates.

wednesday

the house is overwhelming me
anxious about radiation starting
trying to get life completely in order
before it starts
of course
impossible
raining again
needing time for me
it seems
or not
perhaps needing a friend
difficult to make friends
while undergoing cancer treatment
just don't want to open up in
that way
we'll go to Gilda's Club
Noogieland
tonight and I'll see my pals there
and hope that I can get through a room
tomorrow

This is Crazy but Fun

What psycho things have I done in the last 24 hours? Well, I signed up to write a novel in 30 days. CooCoo! I havn't finished unpacking the boxes in my house. I haven't organized things that are already unpacked. I live with piles of magazines and books lining my walls. I feel like my Aunt Hotchie, who was a borderline horder. How in bloody hell am I going to do this? Just thinking about it makes me smile though so, I must be on the right track. If anyone joins me PLEASE let me know. We can support each other by encouraging each other not to cook or clean but to WRITE. Ahh, joy.



Also, if that weren't enough. I signed up for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. This is a 36 mile walk in May. I can barely walk 3 miles without feeling exhausted these days. Holy crap. Am I mad? Again, this is all making me smile and I'm just following that joyful feeling. Insane I know.


You can check out my Avon Walk website here.