A Nice Cleanse

I have been in my element. I love doing life...the holidays, food for family and friends, joy, laughter, decorations. The ritual of this time also appeals to my genetically predispositions love of religion. I love that the virgin son was born in the manger...alleluia, the angel said. For unto us...god was born. On earth.

Ok, that's all wonderful. But another less talked about part of my yearly ritual is gearing up for and enjoying a cleanse. It all starts for me with my yearly gift of a Carol's Daughter sea salt, cleansing regime. I've done Ocean (blue), the purple one...what's it called... a couple of years but this year I went for Groove. Kinda goes with the Saraswati vibe...I'm tripping...I know. Groove is this beautiful deep luscious brick red that you massage over the body, scrubbing with love, but a full on exfoliating just enough to feel good while enfusing your pores with the richest oil and sents of perfection to stay and linger or rub off against something or someone sweet. That's another blog. But, I love this start of the new year. And this year is no exception.

When I start talking about cleansing it always makes it's way to the internal cleanse. People who've not done a full blown (no pun!) cleanse are always VERY curious. Have you actually done enemas? You betcha baby. I did a two week cleansing fast once. It's the longest I've gone and I did coffee and various other enemas to help clean out that end and I drank different juices and waters and took supplements to clean from the other end. (warning: if you aren't aware yet this blog is going to get graphic) I cleaned out what looked like meconium. I never felt better in my life, I might add. So, I'm starting the process. I'm eating less of everything but most importantly...eating less of the stuff that hangs out in the colon. Meat, animal products,...I'm want to get clean inside and out.

If you want more info on cleansing check out my sister at Crazy Sexy Cancer There is an entry about wheat grass that's worth the read.

I also want to plug Carol's Daughter again. I stocked up on her awesome products and have fallen in love with all her stuff again. I was given a gift of some of her stuff around 5-6 years ago and look forward to my yearly supply. Some of you might know that I have some crazy hair for a white girl. Now, I want you all to know that I look like a short Maude with Elizabeth Taylor eyes. Shocking gray hair that is thick and curly,...did I mention thick. After being bald, I'm now trying to grow it into something presentable but it grows out like a chia pet until it hits a certain weight and it takes forever to get there. So, what do I use...Carol's Daughter's products. I love her hair milk, to keep the frizz down. I also love her shampoo and stay in Black Vanilla spray conditioner. If I want the slick sophisticated look I'll work in some Kizy and then spray with the tui jojoba hair sheen.

Well, I'm off to the chiropractor.

Stay clean, my friends!

...and away we go

Giddy Up, partners, 'cause we're on this crazy ride called life.
With only one reality, one God. We've got to let go of illusion.
The illusion that causes fear of aloneness.
The illusion of death.
The illusion of relationships--love.
These things are not real.
Come aboard my chariot, Krishna, and remind me throughout the battlefield of life.
That you are God, I am God, there is only God.
Always focus there first and when I forget, I trust that God, you will come into my life in the perfect form to teach me and remind me.
Thank you.

I'm studying the Bhagavad Gita.
I talked to my teacher and told her how I felt...very quickly we were able to move on to a deeper reality. I'll go in and teach my classes. All is well.

I'm working and busy with life. 'tis the season.

self centered dribble

I am not opposed to discipline. In fact, I may need some. However, it comes at a time when I'm at the cusp...what I mean is...I'm just entering the world, the worldly world... of people not stricken with the fear and effects of cancer, not touching death. I was so sick and really thought that I may die,...if not from the cancer than from the cancer treatment. Not only did I think I could die from this but those close to me thought I may too. I recovered my physical health...I feel healthy. I can do everything physically. I've recovered a lot of my mental health too. I'm living...not stricken with the fear of death/cancer. I live. I meditate. I am connected to reality. I am the divine. But, what I've resisted, what I've only stuck my big toe into is the ocean of life that is worldly. The world of expectations, critisism, miscommunication, schedules, work, evaluation, blame, false ego,...do I want to be grounded in the worldly or the world? I ask myself.

I've talked to a number of people that I thought may give me some wisdom in what happenned over the weekend. The responces ranged from calling my teacher names to saying my teacher knows best and I need to be disciplined. I respect all of this. I think there are two issues...one: I didn't do my best and two: my teacher acted inappropriately.

And it gets worse. I got called to pick up Rachel at school today. She was sick and only made it through homeroom. I went to get her, came home and got her settled and preseeded to forget that I was to meet with a client at 10am. I called at 10:30 and told her the story. She was pissed. I asked if she wanted to reschedule and she said that she had a busy week and she'd call me. "I've been asked to work a few hours each day at the bakery. AND I'm meeting with blahdy-blah." Blahdy-blah, I think, is another doula in the area. She was trying to show/tell me that I'd been evaluated...not showing up on time, calling 1/2 hour late, not respectful...and I'd failed the first test.

Let's go back...pre-cancer.

Me Pre-cancer=
always on time
always perfect (or so I thought)
gave more than I needed
type A
over achiever
miserable
angry
bitch

Me Post-cancer=
late
not perfect
selfish
not capable
no memory (thanks to chemo--another reason for 3x5 card)
calm
content
loving

Why? There is no simple answer. But here are my thoughts. Oh, and who would you rather hire? Who do you want in your life? Who do you want as a friend? Mother? I'm really trying to be honest with myself here.

So, I'm here... In this unfamiliar place trying to find my way and find my place in the world. All of this will settle into place,...of that I'm sure.

I just got a call from a woman I helped 5 months ago. She wanted to thank me for my help and tell me that her and her son went on to have a super breastfeeding relationship. Maybe I am capable but damn, I'm so much more vulnerable now.

This is truly dribble...I never answered the question...why? Why am I so different and is it possible to be "perfect" and happy? I don't have an answer. I'm going off today to meet with a postpartum client and I'm going to do my very best, that's what I know.

Guts

Thursday Celia started throwing up. Poor baby. I had to pick her up from school and then she just vomited all night. In the middle of the night my twin client called and she was bleeding. I spent all day and night Friday with her. One baby born vaginally with forceps, one baby c-sec. It was a long and emotional day. Then Sat I went to my teacher training where I was told that we'd have our teaching practicum the next day. I'd be teaching a segment and we were told that this was our time to "show her what we've got". I was extremely nervous and felt enormous pressure. I would go first. I spent some time Sat night preparing and making a 3x5 card of what I would do with notes on what I wanted to say. Then I put together Erin's birthday present. Sunday was her birthday and she asked for tree frogs. I arrived Sun morning, leaving my birthday girl, to the studio a blaze with hustle and bustle and nervous energy. Everyone was stressed. It was two minutes before I was to start, I got my 3x5 card and was told that we couldn't have notes. Breathe. While I was teaching I remember the moment that I choose to do this particular pose. It just happened. And I remember thinking...I'm doing this pose...I wasn't planning on doing this but it feels like I should do this. So, I went for it. Then I was done. The day continued. I was the student for two classes. Jolie gave me information on the office as I'll be starting to teach at the studio in a few weeks. This is all feeling very awkward already, I might add. I'm being tested but I've already been hired by the studio. AND I'm not feeling my best. I don't say anything about this and don't even want to tell you, my 1-2 blog readers because I hate being a whiner. So the day finally ends she has us get into a circle and then she proceeds to tell us a story about "failing" her driving test and the moral is that she became a better driver by this experience. I'm feeling uneasy. My gut is telling me something. The tension rises, the moment comes..."Barb!", she proceeds to rip into me, going on and on at length, too much, I get the point immediately that the pose I choose to do at the last minute...the one that just felt right was a dangerous pose and I didn't give people an alternative pose. She is going on and on about this "failure" in front of everyone and with a loud voice and aggressive body language. My gut is churning. I don't know what to do. I haven't any clue how to react. My gut is churning...I breathe and try to calm myself. Nothing is working. I don't want to be here in this moment. Then she starts into someone else. This brings me relief at first and then I notice that the person she's ripping into is crying, she can't stop, she keeps crying. It's getting worse. I'm no longer relieved I'm starting to feel angry.
Breathe. She moves on to the next person much to slowly...she's destroyed the poor crying woman. Why won't she stop? She rips into the other woman. My gut is doing somersaults. I need to leave this situation. I want to be out of there. At some point she actually said, "It would be so much easier to not do anything. This is very hard for me.". What did she just say?...this hurts me more than it hurts you. Isn't that what parents have been known to say as they're spanking their children?


Finally, I leave...if I can just get out of the studio without having to talk to anyone. I'm out. I sit in the car and allow the feelings to rush out. I'm so humiliated and hurt. Not because I don't welcome the opportunity to have to do it again...I wasn't feeling my best and wanted to teach it over anyway. I'm humiliated and hurt because the way she did this was completely insensitive and hurtful. It was inappropriate. I can't believe that I've had to sit through this humiliation . I've never had this form of negative feedback in a room filled with people.

I come home...my parents are here...Joanie's girl's spent the weekend and they are over...their dad is here too. We're having Erin's birthday dinner with cake. I spend the evening talking to Joel about Joannie...her funeral, his memories. We cry and laugh. I miss her.

Finally, I go to sleep and I contemplate what happened at the studio. But, not for long...Rachel starts throwing up.

The Mind is a Butterfly

There is a memoir about a man who is conscious in his shell of a body after a coma at 42 years old. He learns to live without a body, with only a consciousness. Only his thoughts, imagination and a Buddhist sense of order to the mind. Indeed, what we all have to work with to find the truth which is present in each of our simple, finicky, selfish, pathetic and most beautiful minds. We all are drawn through a vortex called life to this thing called GOD, the almighty connection to all. It is frightening and we resist often, pulling back at times because the awe of it can take your breath away...literally. A part of you dies. Letting go is hard to do. If you don't get it this lifetime, ... well, pick your religion. And ask the question. Will you have another chance? As a person or cow? Will you burn in hell? Or heaven? What is it that will bring us to God. What will drop YOU to your knees. I was described in the past as a pit bull. Tough. In my life, there was only one thing to bring me to my knees and thank God it was only cancer. From this humbling place I've come to know God.
Back to the memoir...The Diving Bell and the Butterfly It has just been made into a movie and the director won at Cannes. I can't wait to see this movie.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

I've been pondering this lately. I've come out of "cancer" a different person. I'm not quick to anger but I also will not play in unreality. If I engage in behavior or thoughts that aren't real...for instance, taking blame and being apologetic for the sake of peace it is just as bad as being quick to anger. It is unhealthy. Being clear and forthright without anger or malace (I'm talking about when there is conflict or inappropriate behavior going on in others around me)and simply stating the reality of the situation without emotion is a healthy responce. In other words, I'm not a crazy angry bitch anymore but that doesn't mean I'm not going to call you on shit.