Thursday Celia started throwing up. Poor baby. I had to pick her up from school and then she just vomited all night. In the middle of the night my twin client called and she was bleeding. I spent all day and night Friday with her. One baby born vaginally with forceps, one baby c-sec. It was a long and emotional day. Then Sat I went to my teacher training where I was told that we'd have our teaching practicum the next day. I'd be teaching a segment and we were told that this was our time to "show her what we've got". I was extremely nervous and felt enormous pressure. I would go first. I spent some time Sat night preparing and making a 3x5 card of what I would do with notes on what I wanted to say. Then I put together Erin's birthday present. Sunday was her birthday and she asked for tree frogs. I arrived Sun morning, leaving my birthday girl, to the studio a blaze with hustle and bustle and nervous energy. Everyone was stressed. It was two minutes before I was to start, I got my 3x5 card and was told that we couldn't have notes. Breathe. While I was teaching I remember the moment that I choose to do this particular pose. It just happened. And I remember thinking...I'm doing this pose...I wasn't planning on doing this but it feels like I should do this. So, I went for it. Then I was done. The day continued. I was the student for two classes. Jolie gave me information on the office as I'll be starting to teach at the studio in a few weeks. This is all feeling very awkward already, I might add. I'm being tested but I've already been hired by the studio. AND I'm not feeling my best. I don't say anything about this and don't even want to tell you, my 1-2 blog readers because I hate being a whiner. So the day finally ends she has us get into a circle and then she proceeds to tell us a story about "failing" her driving test and the moral is that she became a better driver by this experience. I'm feeling uneasy. My gut is telling me something. The tension rises, the moment comes..."Barb!", she proceeds to rip into me, going on and on at length, too much, I get the point immediately that the pose I choose to do at the last minute...the one that just felt right was a dangerous pose and I didn't give people an alternative pose. She is going on and on about this "failure" in front of everyone and with a loud voice and aggressive body language. My gut is churning. I don't know what to do. I haven't any clue how to react. My gut is churning...I breathe and try to calm myself. Nothing is working. I don't want to be here in this moment. Then she starts into someone else. This brings me relief at first and then I notice that the person she's ripping into is crying, she can't stop, she keeps crying. It's getting worse. I'm no longer relieved I'm starting to feel angry.
Breathe. She moves on to the next person much to slowly...she's destroyed the poor crying woman. Why won't she stop? She rips into the other woman. My gut is doing somersaults. I need to leave this situation. I want to be out of there. At some point she actually said, "It would be so much easier to not do anything. This is very hard for me.". What did she just say?...this hurts me more than it hurts you. Isn't that what parents have been known to say as they're spanking their children?
Finally, I leave...if I can just get out of the studio without having to talk to anyone. I'm out. I sit in the car and allow the feelings to rush out. I'm so humiliated and hurt. Not because I don't welcome the opportunity to have to do it again...I wasn't feeling my best and wanted to teach it over anyway. I'm humiliated and hurt because the way she did this was completely insensitive and hurtful. It was inappropriate. I can't believe that I've had to sit through this humiliation . I've never had this form of negative feedback in a room filled with people.
I come home...my parents are here...Joanie's girl's spent the weekend and they are over...their dad is here too. We're having Erin's birthday dinner with cake. I spend the evening talking to Joel about Joannie...her funeral, his memories. We cry and laugh. I miss her.
Finally, I go to sleep and I contemplate what happened at the studio. But, not for long...Rachel starts throwing up.
Breathe. She moves on to the next person much to slowly...she's destroyed the poor crying woman. Why won't she stop? She rips into the other woman. My gut is doing somersaults. I need to leave this situation. I want to be out of there. At some point she actually said, "It would be so much easier to not do anything. This is very hard for me.". What did she just say?...this hurts me more than it hurts you. Isn't that what parents have been known to say as they're spanking their children?
1 comment:
Are you sure you want to work with a woman who can treat others like this? What do you suppose she thinks of sleep training? How Zen is this? (rhetorical question)
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