I am not opposed to discipline. In fact, I may need some. However, it comes at a time when I'm at the cusp...what I mean is...I'm just entering the world, the worldly world... of people not stricken with the fear and effects of cancer, not touching death. I was so sick and really thought that I may die,...if not from the cancer than from the cancer treatment. Not only did I think I could die from this but those close to me thought I may too. I recovered my physical health...I feel healthy. I can do everything physically. I've recovered a lot of my mental health too. I'm living...not stricken with the fear of death/cancer. I live. I meditate. I am connected to reality. I am the divine. But, what I've resisted, what I've only stuck my big toe into is the ocean of life that is worldly. The world of expectations, critisism, miscommunication, schedules, work, evaluation, blame, false ego,...do I want to be grounded in the worldly or the world? I ask myself.
I've talked to a number of people that I thought may give me some wisdom in what happenned over the weekend. The responces ranged from calling my teacher names to saying my teacher knows best and I need to be disciplined. I respect all of this. I think there are two issues...one: I didn't do my best and two: my teacher acted inappropriately.
And it gets worse. I got called to pick up Rachel at school today. She was sick and only made it through homeroom. I went to get her, came home and got her settled and preseeded to forget that I was to meet with a client at 10am. I called at 10:30 and told her the story. She was pissed. I asked if she wanted to reschedule and she said that she had a busy week and she'd call me. "I've been asked to work a few hours each day at the bakery. AND I'm meeting with blahdy-blah." Blahdy-blah, I think, is another doula in the area. She was trying to show/tell me that I'd been evaluated...not showing up on time, calling 1/2 hour late, not respectful...and I'd failed the first test.
Let's go back...pre-cancer.
Me Pre-cancer=
always on time
always perfect (or so I thought)
gave more than I needed
type A
over achiever
miserable
angry
bitch
Me Post-cancer=
late
not perfect
selfish
not capable
no memory (thanks to chemo--another reason for 3x5 card)
calm
content
loving
Why? There is no simple answer. But here are my thoughts. Oh, and who would you rather hire? Who do you want in your life? Who do you want as a friend? Mother? I'm really trying to be honest with myself here.
So, I'm here... In this unfamiliar place trying to find my way and find my place in the world. All of this will settle into place,...of that I'm sure.
I just got a call from a woman I helped 5 months ago. She wanted to thank me for my help and tell me that her and her son went on to have a super breastfeeding relationship. Maybe I am capable but damn, I'm so much more vulnerable now.
This is truly dribble...I never answered the question...why? Why am I so different and is it possible to be "perfect" and happy? I don't have an answer. I'm going off today to meet with a postpartum client and I'm going to do my very best, that's what I know.
3 comments:
I think we/ you are perfect in your/our imperfection. We are all vulnerable. Not everyone knows this or can accept it. Our vulnerabilities are our gift to those we help. They know we are human. They know that we are real and have learned though our missteps and weaknesses and failures. "They" are our friends, clients, family and the people we touch when we don't even know it.
You said you can "call people on shit" now. How cool is that!
Being comfortable with my ignorance, insecurities, vulnerabilities and embarrassment is one of the hardest places for me to be. That side of being human is my toughest. The "I really really really want you to like me" syndrome.
Barb I love you just the way your are. I so admired your willingness to be vulnerable that you now hold a very special place in my heart. Go be mindful and know you are loved.
I don't think it is possible to be perfect, but I think that most humans aspire to perfection. In their own inability to achieve that, they try to control the events and people around them to maintain some semblance of control. Placing blame rather than being a gracious co-inhabitor of our big wide world. What a blessing to be able to see our own imperfections and own up to them.
I think new parents are the worst for lack of understanding of other peoples life hurdles. In my experience, most wish to just keep on as life was before and just throw baby into the mix. One thing is certain. They will have a sick child. A boss or a loved one will treat them badly for not being able to show up. The lesson will be continually presented until it is learned.
As for me, I prefer post-cancer Barb. Softer, gentler, happier, less rigid Barb. I continue to learn from you. I aspire to your level of awareness and that you are present in your life. So, if not to your client (would you want a client like her?) you are perfect to me.
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