hmmm

Your Birthdate: January 27

You are a spiritual soul - a person who tries to find meaning in everything. You spend a good amount of time meditating, trying to figure out life. Helping others is also important to you. You enjoy social activities with that goal. You are very generous and giving. Yet you expect very little in return. Your strength: Getting along with anyone and everyone Your weakness: Needing a good amount of downtime to recharge Your power color: Cobalt blue Your power symbol: Dove Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Separate

He's actually quite relieved, I think. He doesn't say much and hasn't been known to express himself in the past. But, it seems that I was the one that needed to make this happen. I mean, he'd asked me several times throughout our time together. He wanted to be apart but I don't think he knew how it could happen. We probably would have split earlier but cancer came a knockin'. Really, I'm glad. I needed that experience. I needed to be with him a little longer. I needed to change. I needed to wait. I needed to meet Joel.

Today we get the contract/agreement and we need to spend the weekend with it and then on Monday we sign the separation agreement. Then we'll be legally separated. The kids and I will be moving in with Joel shortly after that. The kids are doing well. Really, their lives won't change too much. As I've said before, the one thing that we did and do well is parent the kids and we will continue to do that. They will go to the same school. We'll be moving to a more kid friendly neighborhood and they will live in a home full of joy rather than sorrow and regret.

I'm well. And I hope that you are all well too. I love you all.

News from WNY

Hmmmm. You little lurkers...who don't leave public comments but are anxiously awaiting news, contacting me in other ways, and in grocery stores meeting up and discussing a twitter or as my friend Joan would say as she rubbed her palms together in front of her face...."what's the scam news".

It's fun to hear about our fellow planet members cruisin' through life...growing, healing, seeing the perfection in all that life throws us.

Joanie, you may remember was my friend in my wellness group at Gilda's. I remember sharing my new found favorite book with her..."cancer made me a shallower person". Damn, we were both saddened by Mariam, the authors, death because of stupid ole' cancer. Anyway, Joanie died too from stupid ole' cancer and it pisses me off 'cause why am I here as a lone ole' cowgirl singin' the survivor blues.

Past blog about Joan...my friend...my fellow survivor...

Anyway, I'm so grateful to her. Thank you, Joanie for giving me the gift of keeping your memory alive and loving your family--Joel, Gigi, and Josie. How can I ever thank you...with each damn tamoxifen I take, with each scan, watch me take down cancer, kickin' it's skinny, slimy, mother f....ing ass.

JAM

My marriage wasn't filled with love. It's ok. I'm so happy that I met Paul, that he is in my life and that we brought forth 3 beautiful children. But, often it felt as though my marriage, my relationship with Paul was about constantly shoving my right foot in the left shoe. After time this was annoying and caused pain. Paul, especially, has wanted out for some time. I could go into the details of the difficulties in our marriage but it doesn't seem worth it. But, now we can "love" one another the way we always have without the pressure of knowing that that love wasn't the love of husband and wife. We are, in general, getting along much better now. But, for years we haven't lived as I know that God intended a husband and wife to live. Indeed, Paul is very happy that I have found "true love".

It certainly wasn't my goal or intention but a force beyond me and within me brought me to the person who I've wanted and somehow cosmically known my whole life. It was a gradual awakening. We became friends and each day I found that I wanted to share more with him. Until, one day I realized that like a freight train I couldn't stop my heart from bursting out of my chest and meeting his heart. Loving completely, authentically and unconditionally. If I were reading this, I might be harumphing at the glibness. I mean, come on.... But, I am in love for the first time in my life. This is no light statement. It is a bitter reality that I have been in a 17 year relationship, had 3 children and neither of us LOVED one another. I mean we "loved" one another like in Fiddler on the Roof...do you love me? yes, i love you. for 21 years i've washed your clothes, milked the cow, blah blah blah....yes, i love you.

But, what I've found with Joel is a connection of the heart. An emotional and spiritual connection that I couldn't live another day without.

Finally

Paul and I are ending our marriage. This is not a new idea...we've had a tumultuous and tenuous relationship. In general, we are both relieved. It is difficult because like a friend described, our marriage is like two thorny bushes that have grown together for 17 years and pulling it apart can be painful.

We told the kids. That was hard but with time I believe that everything will settle into normalcy.

I want to leave it there....my marriage is over.

More to come....