Sun Moon and Monterey

Moon your cold darkness,
Indulgent in your want of light
Taking in the radiant goodness.
Sun your ever-giving brightness,
Never discriminating but simply giving your light and goodness.

Ramblings
Arrived at the MANA conference in Monterey, which is connected to my past, my bright, amazing, 20s when I fought fires for the Forest Service—this forest, The Los Padres National Forest. I remember the cabin near Pacific Valley Sta. and the amazing times I had visiting and being HERE!
I can here the waves of the Pacific.
I hate Breast Cancer Awareness Month (BCAM), kinda. I mean I want to appreciate and I do. I’m so glad that breast cancer as a cause gets a boat-load of attention, money, fundraising but the god-awful truth that motivates these events is the fact that more “young” women die of the disease than any other affliction. It kills old ladies too, at a faster rate. People are being ripped from loved ones before their time because of breast cancer … as a society we want to know why because we miss the women who’ve died. Susan G Komen, Joan Morrissey, Carolyn Shed. OK, yeah I had it and I didn’t die…thank anyone who’ll listen, including any and all Gods and Goddesses, Buddha too! I’m here but scarred. Literally and figuratively. Got the battle wounds to prove it.
And now, my mom, who thought it would be a good time to get her mammogram…her and hundreds of thousands of women…during BCAM. Had to go back the next day for the needle core boring biopsy to mine for that thing…the thing that we don’t know how to effectively stop. The thing that sucks enormous amounts of brain energy and money and funding ‘cause we really don’t get it…looking for something they find nothing (can’t call it the thing that begins with…c. ) but something that might one day turn into the thing that begins with…c .
She has something like displasia of some cells and she'll need a lumpectomy. Good news is that it's not cancer just pre-cancer cell growth. So they'll cut it out and hope that that's that.

I'm goin' t' school fer lernin', don't ya no.

This Hatha Mama has taken a sharp zig in her zaged life. Staying at the awkward stage of challenge or as I'm learning the "zone of proximal development" (Vygotsky). Aren't we all life-time learners? I've got to go where I'm becoming and blossoming. And so I sit here in Graduate level courses in Education at my alma mater UB. Funny how we are drawn to those places that we need to be. Gently fluttering through life, like the give of wind by the supple branch. Whhhhhew! The branches seem to shimmer out as the blast comes and goes.

Anywho...I enjoy learning...and challenges and I'm finding it now. I have stopped teaching yoga in EA and instead have gone down to one class at my local community center "Yoga for 'Tweens" or Middle School Yoga. I can use them as a sweet little experiment as I pursue teaching to this age group and gee, who in the world doesn't love yoga. It's better than a sharp stick in the eye...I always say. I'll be needing one class myself to teach and keep me accountable to my commitment to students in this discipline. I made a promise.

Just the facts:

--Enrolled at UB in Education Department getting certified in Secondary Ed Science (Earth Science and possibly Life Sciences--I need to make it through this 18 credit semester)

--Going on two trips for Lansinoh this fall. I'm visiting my dear KD in Cali at MANA conference and I think we'll be met by our fabulous boss and friend G. This is work with major perks and quiet. Nothing better than a weekend in a hotel room for free.

--no IBCLC work except to teach a couple BF 101 classes down the street at Care Connection.

--Still have FIVE kids that I deal with on a daily basis. Love them all! They humble me frequently.

--In happy relationships with all family members. Here's hoping they all know how much I love and appreciate each and every one of them.

By the way...In my first grader, C's class they are doing a unit on families. What is a nuclear family? I'm seriously unsure myself under the circumstances....

Do what you do...

Samsara

I've always wanted a good and clear explanation of samsara or suffering. It's something that I'm constantly hoping to avoid but is so ellusive in it's understanding and definition. Anyway, this came into my e-mail inbox, a quote by Trungpa Rinpoche.
Ocean of Dharma Quotes of the Week

September 2, 2009

THE PING PONG BALL OF FIXATION

The cause of samsara, or ultimate confusion, is holding on to vague
concepts. That is what is called fixation, or in Tibetan, dzinpa.
When we do not have clear perception, we must hang on to vagueness
and uncertainty. In doing so, we begin to behave like a Ping-Pong
ball, which does not possess any intelligence but only follows the
directions of the paddle....Whatever we do, our actions are not
perfectly right because, based on this neurotic game, we keep being
Ping-Ponged. Although it may appear that the Ping-Pong ball is
commanding the players, although it seems amazing that such a little
ball has so much power to direct the players' actions and even draw
spectators to watch it going back and forth -- actually, that is not
true. The Ping-Pong ball is just a ball. It does not have any
intelligence; it's just operating on reflex....As the Ping-Pong Ball,
you feel very dizzy and you ache all over your body because you've
been bounced back and forth so much. The sense of pain is enormous.
That is the definition of samsara, or confused existence.
From "Awakening and Blossoming," in THE TRUTH OF SUFFERING: and the
Path of Liberation, Pages 65 to 66.

And so the reminder to simply be still and not swayed by the mind or or one's environment is reiterated.

Sit
Be still
Breathe in
Breath out
There is no intellegence in reasoning life
Simply live
Be alive

Smashin' the Ego

Did I mention that the universe made me stop in a fairly violent way recently? Well, I crashed into my karma one day when I was busy doing, going and gettin' things, too many things done. STOP. She shouted.
Stop.

Head on collision with stopped mass...car ruined...me fine but for a case of whiplash. I love my chiropractor and thank the Gods for yoga!

Look, listen and stop the madness.
Difficulty, conflict, illness and death are a part of life.
Breathe in...take in that which is good to your system...life giving oxygen and in that same breath be one with that which doesn't serve you....let it go and breathe out. Mourn and die. It is life and death in each breath. The pause is where each moment we either breathe again or not, to breathe again is life ... to stop death. So simple really.

In Buddhism the most poignant meditation, the one that will serve you well, is the death meditation because it is the thing that makes us all real. It is the only real and universal part of life. Death is inevitable.

So, in this stop. In your stops in life take a moment to evaluate and let go of the breath and life that doesn't serve you. For Hatha Mama, my stop was an opportunity to say goodbye to excessive giving. Do less for others and focus on my own well being....less teaching yoga, more doing yoga, less helping other families (less hours doing consults) and more focus on my family, less teaching others and more learning for me (thus the highly charged choice to go back to school for my Master's degree-yikes). Life is ever changing and quite a ride. Me-- I'm tryin' not to fight the flow of life. Being flexible like the trees in nature to weather's sometimes violent blow.

Foundation

Leaving my marriage was the hardest thing and the easiest thing I've ever done. Hard because I'd made a promise, a commitment. I still miss the idea of being married to the husband of my children. Sometimes I have an overwhelming sadness of loss. Loss of what could have been. I wanted something that I could never have with him. Other times I have sadness because I know that his family thinks that I left him. But, the truth is that he left me years before I physically left him. It's hard to know what started first though. My disappointment in Paul or his dissatisfaction in me. It really doesn't matter. We were incompatible and miserable. Not always though. There were good times and I sometimes remember those times and I'm sad. I wish there were more of them and I wish that we were still together (and happy like we never were) for our kids.

Sometimes I'm talking to him about the kid's schedules, 'cause that's all we talk about now, and my eyes will tear because of the history that we shared that now is gone. There are pictures but history is something that's shared and he and I don't share anything but the kids now. Over 17 years of living with someone you develop a language and experiences. We were in the Peace Corps, had three kids, lived in 6 cities, had 3 dogs, one cat, hamsters, and shared many vacations. On some perverse level I miss him and our history. I only have to talk to him on the phone to realize that what I miss about him is a fantasy of what I hoped for when I made the promise to marry him. I'd hoped he'd change. Marrying someone with potential is always a bad idea.

But, now I'm old with lots of history and starting over. Creating a new life for myself, new ways of relating with the person that I live with, learning from mistakes and trying to open myself to love and light and joy.

Meditating

There is a darkness each day. What some may call evil in their feeble attempts to just "be good", be a "non-sinner", or be perfect. This is horrible misinformation. I think the universe likes you to just pick up the subtle moments of darkness each moment and if you don't take these moment to just be, sit and breathe it in...whatever darkness there is right now--now is night...the rug will be pulled from under you and you will be forced to sit by watching your feet get lifted and your ass be smashed down so you can stop. Stop and see. See the shortness in your voice when you want to be left alone rather then meet someone else's needs, see the pain and fear of someday losing a loved one, see the goodbyes and heartbreak, the lies, the inability to ever be completely free of ego, the mistreatment of our planet...see it all. Be quiet, sit and be....to be able to see.

The Dark

The moon is about to say no to the sun. Waning and letting go of the light, the brightness the sun. There are dark days.

Hatha Mama is having a hard time reconciling the darkness that can come to those who attempt to live in the light. A sweet friend...who is just filled with joy and light...is being blamed for her boyfriend's suicide on Tue because she was the last person to talk to him and they had an argument.

I find this act so dark and desperate and cowardly. I am filled with anger and confusion and am finding it hard to be compassionate for this man. The imagery and symbolism surrounding the act also fills me with horror. He hung himself in his backyard on the willow tree that had fallen over. His 15 year old son found him. I know that this may be too much to take...to even read the words. It's just awful. But, it is. Lean into the point, feel the horror. There is darkness in this life and in this world and in me and you. We must own our shadow, be with it and show loving kindness to all things and all people. And this is the hard part...to be open and present to it all.

I am saddened to the core.

Random stuff

Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense.
--Rumi


I just love this quote.

My life is perfect right now.

There are some people that I wish I could spend more time with. Betsy, Scott, Donna, Kay, Kathy, Nancy, Maureen, Kim, Mary, Aunt Barb, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Patty, Kim O, Christina, Nikia,... Do you all know that I love you?

I did Shambhala Level III recently.

Gently raise your gaze
See me
This world, this moment
Take it ALL in

Here's what I'm working on...
Seeing each of the children as perfect at least once each day. Perfect JUST as they are. Not easy.

Just for fun...here are words to describe each girl...
R-kind, loving, perceptive
G-smart, funny, leader
E-smart, responsible, funny
J-sweet, silly, creative
C-Joyful, athletic, intuitive

I'm Not a Moron

I have five kids in five different Girl Scout troops. And I'm the leader for my youngest's Daisy troop. One of the girls is in a troop with a leader who is one of those Mom's that doesn't get it that sometimes the first thing on my mind is NOT the Brownie troop and all the permission slips and crap that is asked of the parents. In fact, this stuff is never the first thing on my mind.

Tonight I was asked to lead the badge portion of the Brownie meeting. I did the "My Body" badge and, of course, did yoga with the second graders. They loved it and did such a super job. I was focused on preparing for this all day. What I failed to do was bring in the paperwork for the next couple of field trips. The leader, who is always annoyed with me, gave me big time attitude. I asked if I could bring the forms to her house, which is what I do frequently. I'm always rushing to get her what she needs. It's really hard for me to remember all these details. I've never really made excuses but I do try to laugh about it. I make jokes about being a special needs mom. Really though, it's embarrassing. I feel stupid.

Well, this woman says to me, while huffing and puffing and giving me an attitude that she does everything she can to make it "Moron Proof" and then she looks at me like...Hello Moron.

I was shocked. This woman was calling me a moron. I left the meeting and went the two blocks home to get the papers in the 5 minutes I had before the meeting. And I started thinking ... damn this woman. I have not been the same since chemo 2 1/2 years ago. It really has had an effect on my memory. I'm not good at remembering things and it's a new phenomenon. Again, I don't want to make excuses but this woman has just called me a moron.

So, I went back to meeting and told her how I felt and that I wasn't a moron and in fact I think that part of it is due to being brain damaged by chemo. I just couldn't let it go. She inhaled and couldn't believe that I was confronting her. Also, I just said it in front of the other mothers mingling around. I'm not going to put up with this.

Oh, and she had to e-mail me later that night because I wrote the check for the wrong amount. Ooops.

Stolen Moment

I love to write. It is such a moment of sweet indulgence when I can get out and on paper some ideas and thoughts and emotions that knock around in the ole' noggin. It has been a form of meditation. A time to focus on the exhale of all those ideas and emotions in the form of words on a paper or cyber space as it may be. I relish in this and love taking time to indulge in it's sweet nectar of self centeredness and self absorption. My time has been so limited lately. I find so few moments to think without interruption. As it is, I have the two little ones in the grips of the drug called TV for a stolen moment. Any minute the rest of the gang will come barging in with ski gear and hungry tummies and well, Mom typing out a glimpse of something interesting would NOT go over well. Mom!!!!! And so I sit...this moment and breathe in the reality of my life. Marveling at the plan that has been laid out for us all. You and me. Brought together at this instance.

When I think of you, I want to send you peace. Life is so damn short ...

I have held crazy grudges. It's in my genes. Us Irish...well, we never forget. Everything I do is an effort to keep my heart soft and to send love. I know that the place of grudges is a place of dis-EASE. I want Easy. And it is so easy really.

Loving. What's hard about that?

Well...there's a story. A love story. What's hard about love? Why don't we always choose loving kindness? To see it in all that is and was and will be. Everything is as it should be now. Trusting in what is rather than going off on the coaster ride of the pesky little mind and it's constant incessant ego talk.

Shambhala Level III training is at the end of March. I'm looking forward to it.

Meanwhile I'm doing plenty of sitting but could always use more. I'm teaching 4 yoga classes per week. Prenatal, a resorative/gentle class and an All Levels class. I love to be in this service of teaching yoga. I'm also so grateful to the facility that I teach at a center of healing. In fact, the name has changes to Healing Waters--Center for Yoga, Health and Mindful Living.

The truck just pulled in...I hope to do a blog entry soon on the business of teaching yoga.

i'm not the type to get upset and cry 'cause I never leave my heart open

I've had a very rough couple of weeks. I'm feeling very tired of things.

First, I found out that Erie County, the county that I live in, has decided in their infinite wisdom to drop WIC and hope that another agency picks it up. It is a federally funded service but the county can't afford to pay for benefits for WICs 40 employees. This city and county is hurting. The Buffalo Public schools have 97% of their student body receiving reduced priced lunches. This is poor city. How can they do this?



Josie's teacher and the special needs teacher in her class called me last week. She is disrupting the class by requiring lots of adult interaction and crying for silly reasons. She does cry a lot and she is fairly immature. I struggle frequently with how to best deal with this. I am a fairly experienced parent and I've been frustrated immensely by this child. She can be very stubborn and according to her Aunt (who loves her dearly) she can be manipulative. It is her nature. The thing that is most frustrating is that I'm new in this child's life. If my child were like this it would be easier to "know" what to do or maybe I just wouldn't question myself as much. There is a LOT of stigma being a step mother. About now you may be asking, "What is Dad doing about this?". Dad's response is to get frustrated by her immaturity and just do or tell her what to do OR he yells in frustration saying things like, "Josie, what are you thinking?". Not very productive. It's a tough situation. Now, he's trying to step back a bit and see if maybe I can do something different. This is taking a lot of my emotional energy. It requires so much time to correct the inappropriate behavior. I really just want it to go away. We are both very frustrated.

I did Shambhala Level II training at the end of Jan. This training was about fearlessness. To be fearless, one must face their fears. So, I spent hours in quiet contemplation facing my most intimate fears. ugh. There are the obvious fears...death, recurrence, injuries etc. But, here's a fear. The fear of judgement. That I'm judging of others AND myself and that when I remove the distractions of everyday life and am quiet with myself that I may not like who I am. The truth is that we are all flawed and that all judgements of others DO reflect on us. I'm not liking myself these days. I'm highly conscience of my impatient ways, the slight sarcasm in my voice, the times when I less than honest.

Just a Quote

“When we can accept all of life’s contradictions, when we can comfortably flow between the banks of pleasure and pain, experiencing them both while getting stuck in neither, then we are free.”Deepak Chopra