Listening

So, I'm getting ready to teach a class tonight. Another breastfeeding, newborn care class. It's with my Prenatal Yoga Class. It's the Partner Class. They'll bring in their partners, moms, aunts, friends, whomever will be close to them after baby is born. I've taught a variation of this class for 13 years at least once a month. It's sometimes with partners and other times it's just Mom. At this point I teach a half dozen classes per month to new parents. I do find that much of the message is the same. I am always looking for different ways to express the same thing really. And today it occured to me that what I'm teaching is how to listen to your children. How to shut the hell up and listen to your child. I'm often drawn to hold some of the babies that come to me for "breastfeeding help" and I'll look in their eyes, quiet myself listen and let them know that it's alright at somepoint they'll stop to listen to you. I know a Grandma the frequently says she really doesn't like them when they're babies. She likes them when they can talk. Literally, and left brained we think talk is the only form of communication. If we are going to evolve as a species we need to use our whole brain...talk is one way to communicate, YESSSS, but what of touch, movement, and the brain in the belly, our guts and intuition. I need my kids to think outside of the box that I and my brethren have provided for them.

They will tell you everything. Indeed, they're the smart ones. Our job is to get out of our own way and surrender to each child's innate and highly unique inner-me. Not try to mold, change, or grow them up. They do this more often in spite of us.

Just being quiet and listening. Parenting is a meditation of surrender. Allowing ourselves to just be with the situation, the rhythm of breastfeeding and a newborn. We are meant to be in-sync with a new babies to sleep when they sleep, keep them in the loving protection of the arms of the mamma bear. They may not have words now or when they're born. By quieting ourselves, breathing calming, meditative hormones throughout our body and simply being with the spirit of our children JUST as they are NOW. This is parenting. Quieting, listening and truly hearing their song.

Happy Thanksgiving

From my family to your family.

Have a joyful day.

Will I Stop Short and Fall to the Ground

Life is enormous.
My life alone
Forever linked to all of you
What you do
What you think
We make the world
As simple as that
The effort to wake each morning and say
Yes

Yes to it all
The dirty toilet
Dishes again
Immaturity and Pettiness
Love and Beauty
Bein' Late
Running
Anxious
Toteing the world along
Carry this
Bring that
Do this
Make that

Taking the time for quiet and stillness
Dissappointment
Is insanity
Being at peace with that
The anger, the emotion
Saying yes to it all
Yes, it is.

Parenting one of my many hats
The meditation in that
Living with FIVE distinct, unique
Individuals
With lifetimes of patterns
Making space
In the heart and mind for all to be
Saying Yes
In my heart

Hearing the Dad in the store
Screaming at the kid to
Stop whining
Everything we say and do is about US
When I want to tell the kids to DO something
Verbage
Be still, Quiet
Turn it around
Stop whining
Takes on a different meaning

Race for the Finish

Nearly 40 years ago my Grandmother was forced to confront her racism. My Aunt Kathy adopted a baby from Africa. He was a sweet brown bundle of love. My Grandmother couldn't deny the beauty in this child and in her way connected this beauty to being less "Black" because he was light skinned. My Grandmother died a few short years after she met her brown grandson. She had breast cancer. She was 46 years old.

When I voted today an ancient woman looked up my name in the photocopied book of registered voters. Her shaky, wrinkled hand searching, confused by my bizarre name. It's hyphened...Oh??... I could see her wondering, why on earth a young (yes, I believe she thought my gray haired self was young--that's how old she was) lady wouldn't find honor in taking her husband's name. And it occurred to me that this woman LIVED to see an African American become President of the USA. My Grandma and Barack's Grandma won't watch the polls tonight and learn that history has been made. That woman remembers segregation, lynching, freely spewed racial slurs...Oh, my God, she was so old she may have personally know a former slave.

Change. What are the real changes that we will face... How will the scales of racism be tipped? In what ways will my white brothers and sisters react? I heard a young lady at the mall say she didn't want to vote for Obama because he was just going to be assassinated in the next few months.

My Mother and Aunties have been community organizers working to battle racism, sexism, and classism for decades. My Mother is a Democrat...big time! It is her party and she is proud to have been part of bringing both a woman and a man as potential candidates for this election. She has completely supported her party. She has travelled to another swing state to speak to individuals gathering support and momentum for this moment. The precipice of change. It will be the Democrats who MUST break that glass ceiling. Those damn dumb Republicans ...they come in at the final hour and present their bi-atch. Their Woe-man. She is not a WOMAN.

Day of Change!!

I am so excited! I'm a buzz at the potential change in our government. I'm hopeful that I'll have an African American president.

President Barack Obama

Om, Om, Om

It is so deep that his Grandmother died this day. Life and death are so linked to what is going on around us. It is not this random event. It is in our cells decided before we are born. There is a force greater than me.

I'm busy preparing to teach a Doula training this weekend with Eileen, the local homebirth midwife. I'm looking forward to it. Buffalo needs an infusion of women who think differently about birth, who can support and nurture our community and our birthing families.

Halloween was a blast. I dressed as the Bride of Darkness.

I'm Voting Republican!

New way to meditate

Did Level I Shambala Workshop--The Art of being Human
Intense and lovely. Keeping me on point.



Bold Compassion for Soft Being

Pathetic flawed like all the rest
I drink my wine and laugh, happy and joyous
Of it all
Of everything, every smell I've smelled
Each memory including the ones that rarely see the eastern sun
So painful and sharp
I lean into them and choose to
Be cheerful
Because I care less about fretting over
Past discretions, future foibles and instead
Breathe this moment
A new and fresh smell for the asking
Over and over
Sweet human being that I am

Toes cold this night as fall brings the anticipation of
Covered earth
White and pure
The snow will come
Like this breath
And this one
Like ocean's waves
I bring my attention to the out breath
Pushing to shore
Receding with nerry a thought

There is a basic goodness
And I've caught a glimpse

Wishing you all everything you hope for...
My prayer tonight is for you.

Santosh (Joy)

Bonus Kids

It's been a little tough to write lately. I guess I've been busy. Life has been full lately. But more than that I've been in my life rather than observing my life and documenting it regularly. I just don't want to stop living. I've been fully in it. That's a good thing. I love Joel. He is everything to me. I love my new girls too.

Genevieve, Gigi, is 10. She just had her birthday. Her and Erin are two peas in a pod. They have their own way about them. They're both slightly nerdy. They get caught up in their own world. They truly enjoy one another. And rarely to they get on each others nerves. Even if they did annoy one another I don't think they would fight out load. It's their way. Gigi loves to read A LOT. The girl devours books. She's reading The City of Ember series and starting Harry Potter. She doesn't talk much about feelings though I have at times encouraged her to. Simple things first. She seems to be doing well with everything and has developed some nice coping methods which tend to keep her happy and even. She is a sweet girl still though I can almost see the girl leaving both her AND Erin.

Rachel is growing up VERY fast. ugh. This is a typical look from her.

Sometimes she's sweet as can be and other times she's the devil's spawn. She seems to be a normal, well adjusted almost teen-ager. She'll be 13 in 2 1/2 months.

Josephine, Josie, is 6 years old. She is going into 2nd grade. She is a sweet cuddle muffin. She loves to snuggle. She's very artistic and dramatic. She freely loves me as I do her.

Celia is going to kindergarten next year. Her last day of preschool she fell at school and needed to go to the emergency room for stitches. Crazy kid. She is so much fun.

Joel and his girls have left for their much anticipated cross country trip. I miss them dearly. But I am so glad they have this time with one another. My girls are at their father's this weekend, though, I'm looking forward to spending time with just my girls next week.

I'm sitting in a new house, in a new life. It's a huge, enormous and complete change. And I still have a deep sence of calm about it. So often, in my old life I would have a heavy and uneasy feeling in my gut. Although, everything in this new life isn't always roses and puppy dog tails, I do have complete confidence and joy knowing that this is the place for me. This is the place I'd longed for in my spirit. I've arrived.

I have five daughters now. They bring me enormous joy and a s***load of work. Keeping track of each of their needs both physically and emotionally is draining but joyous. I love them each. They are distinctly different.

I am very busy moving in and adjusting to my new role as mother of 5 girls and just spending time loving Joel. Life is good.

hmmm

Your Birthdate: January 27

You are a spiritual soul - a person who tries to find meaning in everything. You spend a good amount of time meditating, trying to figure out life. Helping others is also important to you. You enjoy social activities with that goal. You are very generous and giving. Yet you expect very little in return. Your strength: Getting along with anyone and everyone Your weakness: Needing a good amount of downtime to recharge Your power color: Cobalt blue Your power symbol: Dove Your power month: September

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Separate

He's actually quite relieved, I think. He doesn't say much and hasn't been known to express himself in the past. But, it seems that I was the one that needed to make this happen. I mean, he'd asked me several times throughout our time together. He wanted to be apart but I don't think he knew how it could happen. We probably would have split earlier but cancer came a knockin'. Really, I'm glad. I needed that experience. I needed to be with him a little longer. I needed to change. I needed to wait. I needed to meet Joel.

Today we get the contract/agreement and we need to spend the weekend with it and then on Monday we sign the separation agreement. Then we'll be legally separated. The kids and I will be moving in with Joel shortly after that. The kids are doing well. Really, their lives won't change too much. As I've said before, the one thing that we did and do well is parent the kids and we will continue to do that. They will go to the same school. We'll be moving to a more kid friendly neighborhood and they will live in a home full of joy rather than sorrow and regret.

I'm well. And I hope that you are all well too. I love you all.

News from WNY

Hmmmm. You little lurkers...who don't leave public comments but are anxiously awaiting news, contacting me in other ways, and in grocery stores meeting up and discussing a twitter or as my friend Joan would say as she rubbed her palms together in front of her face...."what's the scam news".

It's fun to hear about our fellow planet members cruisin' through life...growing, healing, seeing the perfection in all that life throws us.

Joanie, you may remember was my friend in my wellness group at Gilda's. I remember sharing my new found favorite book with her..."cancer made me a shallower person". Damn, we were both saddened by Mariam, the authors, death because of stupid ole' cancer. Anyway, Joanie died too from stupid ole' cancer and it pisses me off 'cause why am I here as a lone ole' cowgirl singin' the survivor blues.

Past blog about Joan...my friend...my fellow survivor...

Anyway, I'm so grateful to her. Thank you, Joanie for giving me the gift of keeping your memory alive and loving your family--Joel, Gigi, and Josie. How can I ever thank you...with each damn tamoxifen I take, with each scan, watch me take down cancer, kickin' it's skinny, slimy, mother f....ing ass.

JAM

My marriage wasn't filled with love. It's ok. I'm so happy that I met Paul, that he is in my life and that we brought forth 3 beautiful children. But, often it felt as though my marriage, my relationship with Paul was about constantly shoving my right foot in the left shoe. After time this was annoying and caused pain. Paul, especially, has wanted out for some time. I could go into the details of the difficulties in our marriage but it doesn't seem worth it. But, now we can "love" one another the way we always have without the pressure of knowing that that love wasn't the love of husband and wife. We are, in general, getting along much better now. But, for years we haven't lived as I know that God intended a husband and wife to live. Indeed, Paul is very happy that I have found "true love".

It certainly wasn't my goal or intention but a force beyond me and within me brought me to the person who I've wanted and somehow cosmically known my whole life. It was a gradual awakening. We became friends and each day I found that I wanted to share more with him. Until, one day I realized that like a freight train I couldn't stop my heart from bursting out of my chest and meeting his heart. Loving completely, authentically and unconditionally. If I were reading this, I might be harumphing at the glibness. I mean, come on.... But, I am in love for the first time in my life. This is no light statement. It is a bitter reality that I have been in a 17 year relationship, had 3 children and neither of us LOVED one another. I mean we "loved" one another like in Fiddler on the Roof...do you love me? yes, i love you. for 21 years i've washed your clothes, milked the cow, blah blah blah....yes, i love you.

But, what I've found with Joel is a connection of the heart. An emotional and spiritual connection that I couldn't live another day without.

Finally

Paul and I are ending our marriage. This is not a new idea...we've had a tumultuous and tenuous relationship. In general, we are both relieved. It is difficult because like a friend described, our marriage is like two thorny bushes that have grown together for 17 years and pulling it apart can be painful.

We told the kids. That was hard but with time I believe that everything will settle into normalcy.

I want to leave it there....my marriage is over.

More to come....

Grief

I don't claim to know everything about grief but what I do know is that everyone is different in the manner with which they will deal with the intense emotion. I've been blessed to be around a number of people at the end of their lives facing death. In our wellness group at Gilda's behind the double doors in the orange room I found a safe place where a group of people all diagnosed with cancer could talk about cancer. We've all heard the words, "I'm sorry Mrs/Mr X but you have CANCER.". At this point we all have to come to terms with the reality of mortality. Yes, we're all gonna die. And when you have cancer, when you have the scars physically and emotionally of this disease you just can't talk freely around your family or friends about cancer. I mean, sure you CAN. But, when you're in that room and you ALL have this thing in common you can speak freely and honestly in a way that you never could with friends and family. Friends and family are often caught in a cycle of their OWN grief and cannot support the person with cancer the way that they need. So, every week there is a group of very different individuals that gets together in that orange room and they laugh, cry and are honest about their LIVES about living with cancer. I think that we would all agree that we could not have met the challenges of cancer without these people. I love and loved everyone of them in a way that I didn't know I could love another. Pure love. Non-judging, no expectations and unconditionally.

So in the process of learning this Pure Love what I learned was that we can have compassion without ownership. What I mean is that someone elses death, someone elses disease is NOT mine to hold on to and integrate into my psyche. That is the difference in the orange room. We know that. We're not always perfect in integrating this difficult concept but we do understand it differently then untainted folks.

Renewal

So, I'm on this journey...you know the life journey...and I'm just muddling through and finding my way. I try to follow certain principles but sometimes the path isn't a clear path and well, do we need to stay on the beaten path. I mean, isn't it ok to blaze your own trail?

I want God or the Divine in my life always. But, God for me isn't about sitting down in a pew and genuflecting to God in the form of the miracle of the holy host. My God is so much bigger and present EVERYWHERE.

Somewhere I read that you'll know God because it will taste sweet...or be similar to that feeling. When I quiet myself and come to life without expectation or judgment I see and feel the sweetness of God in the form of my children's smiling faces among so many other things. Or I see God in the form of a touch from someone I love or breathing close to the person I love.

Along the way I realized that I needed to cultivate joy in my life if I was to become healthy. I do believe that the self cultivation of joy can only be met by joy in the world, the environment around you. So watch out...when you start this work...because like the snowball effect it will grow to the point that joy will pick you up and hurtle you through life with unbridled abandon.

Bone scan negative...thank you God.

Wednesday's Wonder

Turbulant balance
I'm dancing and flitting
Watching this and that
While reaching into the depths of the earth
Grounded
Reaching out to the universe
I'm quiet and loud
I'm a spiritual being who needs to be loved and touched
I am this body
I'm not this body
I am this mind
I'm not this mind
Meet me today and you'll meet an angry bitch
Meet me today and you'll meet a princess
Right is this way
Wrong is that way
I go both ways
And bring my shadow with me

Snowing in Buffalo

I've been busy doing other things...rather than blogging. And that's good. However, I do enjoy the quiet lazy dayz that involve showering late, reading, meditating, wearing my robe late into the day, and thinking or not thinking about what I want to say, dream and bring into my life. Renumerate. After a yoga class this morning I had "that" afternoon...and so now I sit, showered and clean after a lazy afternoon.

Back from vacation. We went to Southern California...enjoyed Santa Barbara, hiking and even saw the lunar eclipse while laying in a king sized bed in a beautiful cabin in the woods; we watched the moon arc and change through the window in the eves. Wow. It was magical. We all enjoyed ourselves, however, Paul may have had the best time of all. That man needed a vacation.

We visited our dear friends and it was good to connect. Give hugs and be reminded that we all love one another. Celia didn't remember them much and it was good for her to re-meet the 5 kids. I needed to see and be with my friend. She is my sister, my chosen sister. She has known me for over 10 years, we've been through much. She reminds me of who I am, who I was and who I will be. I love her and her family.

I came home and spent two days in bed. I was sick. I got a cold and couldn't keep going. I had to stop. I'm feeling better now. I feel cleansed.

I went to look at some property for the birth center in Buffalo today. It's a nice space. A 5000+/- sq ft Victorian Home in the Elmwood district. Gorgeous. I have many suggestions and ideas and thoughts. However, this is not MY space. This is clear. I hope to support these 3 women in their efforts at the level that they've opened up to me. I see some organizational issues, there is not a lot of experience among the group. There is an organizational vacuum and I know how to fill it with the skills and effort that it will take but I can't take on that WHOLE job. Not now...I don't need this experience. When they offered me the VP position on the board one of the guys (the midwife's hubby) said, "It'll look good on your resume.". Dang, I don't need anything like this on my resume...my resume is filled with positions like this. I need to work...not as a volunteer...but to make money to support my family. I've done enough volunteer work in my life. It is a struggle though...to do as little as possible to bring me out of balance. And let's be honest...when you're after a buck it's hard to stay balanced. Yoga is good but it doesn't pay the bills.

I feel melancholic today. I have to get a bone scan on Friday. I've had some pain in my ribs in the area that I had radiated. My friend with stage 4 colon cancer has had lots of radiation and she thinks it might be pain from radiation...but it's been there for 6 months... and it's getting worse. Now, it could be the fact that I've had a cold and been coughing. The radiation compromises the bone and I may have broken an already sore rib, maybe. Or it could be nothing. Or it could be metastatic breast cancer that has spread to my bones. Anyway, I have to have a bone scan and another x-ray of my ribs. Yes, this is still a thing in my life. There were these "bad" cells and they cut them out and scorched and burned me to make sure they were all gone... but they still spend a lot of time looking out for a stray nasty cell. This cancer thing is like my diving bell...me, I want to be dreaming of butterflies and spring mornings.

Om tare tuttare ture svaha

Turn off the TV.
Images are powerful,
No massacres, or blood pumping sliced arteries for me.
Chanting the ancient sanskrit words to virgin ears,
It connects with something, with God.
Do you hear it?
It's dim at first and then you start hearing the truth.
What is real.
And you can't help but become intune
At that frequency where lies
You, your connection with the all,
The divine.
Getting closer, bringing the
Thing into your life that you need,
God in the form of
your Journey.
Oh, Joy in each precious moment,
only then,
we've only this breath,
this breath.

I finished my first workshop of Prenatal Yoga classes last night. It was wonderful. Many women will continue...others are going on to have their baby's. Hopefully with a small connection/a glimps of a vibration that they will summon again, when they're stripped of the unreal during the intensity, the surge of birth. That's all...oh, simple, pathetic, trembling me, who has nothing. With courage and in a stupor I strip it down and attempt to bring you to a place I only sometime glimpse. Indeed, it is the experience of yoga that helps me...this is work? Crazy.

I taught the beginner class yesterday too. I taught the inversion. They were beautiful exploring space, challenging themselves. I'll teach the big kids on Sat and I have a fun filled 1 1/2 hours planned! Oh, joy.

Check out this Green Tara Chant on mp3.

http://www.wildmind.org/mantras/figures/greentara

Sorry, I can't link to it...somethin's up with my 'puter or blogger. I'll try later

Yes we can

I voted for Barack Obama. In Hillary's state I want it known that Barack Obama took the majority of the vote in Buffalo and western NY. A depressed part of the country that has been neglected by most including Hillary who promised much and provided little except just enough support and change to get elected. Her ambition, her motivation.

I want Barack Obama to be our next President. I want to change our need for NOT CHANGING. We don't need to be at the mercy of the few, the rich, the powerful. We are ONE! Yes we can.

What tha'

I want to retract my last post's statement the Hillary is "the Man". Hillary is a woman. On the trail recently she was giving a speech and there was a persistent heckler, screaming, "Iron my shirt!" "Iron my shirt!" "Iron my shirt". She paused and said calmly, "This is another reason why it's time for me to be president.". As I said earlier, I do believe that she will be president and I'm glad. Why didn't we hear anything in the news about THIS! I want to believe that if there was an idiot screaming "Pick my cotton" at Barack Obama it would infuriate and appall the public. Am I naive? I don't know. As a woman who works with women and been witness to the persistent degrading of a woman's innate power through birth, baby's cut from their mothers, ripping families from the power of birth by a corrupt and disillusioned medical system, I can tell you that we're not moving forward in our respect for women.

Anyway, we're about to have a change, a shakedown. Is Hillary's presidency always going to be a "woman thing"? Will she constantly be proving herself at each turn? If it's Barack will it be a "black thing"? Either way it will be interesting.

Birthday Blues and my Prediction for 2008

I actually had a party...a celebration. It was a celebration for me...my birthday and also my graduation from yoga teacher training. Those who know me, know that this is me coming out of my comfort zone of wearing pajamas on the b-day and watching a movie at home, writing in something drippy in my journal and getting take-out. I remember crying on my 10th birthday because I was "old". I always get a tad sappy. Flash, a psychic in Florida, told me that we get a new aura each birthday and during this "change of aura" we are extra vulnerable and feel fragile.

Anyway, I had a party. It was fun and I'm set for celebrating myself for another 42 years. When I hit 84, I'm definitely having another party!!!

2008
Hillary president. Not because I'm going to vote for her...to me she's just "the Man". But, I saw it. She will be our next President. And yes, I did predict Bush and I saw the war in Iraq, the year before he took office. Also, we're going to have a global tragedy in 2011 during her time in office and Hillary will have to find her softer side in order to make a global shift in our world's consciousness to a more "we are one" attitude.

ahhh

Weekend of endings/beginnings.
Almost lifetime of searching for the thing.
The thing that cannot be named.
Somehow caught a glimpse in Yoga.
Named Yoga.
Hatha Yoga.
Ha - Sun
Tha - Moon
Yoga - yoke
That thing that brings it all together.
Drawing like a vortex or tornado...
Everything in - hale
Everything exhale
Dispersed like seeds, touching the heart to be nurtured and grow.
The seed has been planted.
The plant grown and now
Enjoy the fruits
In Joy - Santosh
Finding the joy in the awkward exposure of intimate self
Through a poem, blog, me
Being authentic.
Without the defence -- doing my dharma
My drama
That may bring up things in you
"I can't take a migraine. I don't know how you did it, Barb."
Same way.
I wish I'd have been able to do this growth, learn from a migraine.
But I needed to be brought to my knees.
Genuflect.
Honor that thing in your heart and mine.
That thing everywhere in everything.
Every experience.
Mundane to dramatic.

Yoga Ma Teacher Training.
Officially over.
I'm a teacher of this ancient tradition
The thing that always was,
Always is,
And always will be.
Om

Cancer Doesn't Sleep In

Bob died. He was a sweet man that showed up for our wellness group at Gilda's. He was a funny guy. I liked him. His funeral was this weekend and I couldn't get there, though I wish I could have. I have a lot that takes my emotional energy. And my family gets the first overflow. If I were to give more this last week it would have been pulling from my reserves. I need to give from the overflow not pull from my being. Which sometimes is hard, especially as life gets busy.

Today I was exhausted. I stayed up too late reading the Yoga Sutras in preparation for my exam this weekend. I just wanted to sleep a little later than usual. My alarm is set for 6:15. When I got out of bed at 7:30 the house was chaotic. I'm needed...life is better when I'm present and it is a delicate balance between meeting the needs of my family and making sure my needs are met too.

Anyway...cheers to Bob. Another wonderful soul drawn too quickly from his family into the vastness of God. May he find infinite bliss. He deserves it.

just stuff

Tomorrow afternoon I visit my oncologist for my friendly 4 month visit. I had a chest x-ray on Monday to make sure there isn't anything in the bones, Doc will let me know how it looks tomorrow. My last mammogram was clean.

I have had lots of signs of stress leading up to the damn appointment. Tension and pain up and down my left side. Of course, I immediately think it's cancer. Had a massage and went to the chiropractor and it seems better but ugh, I want tomorrow to be over.

I'm embarrassed that I have such a hard time getting to the doctors when, for the most part, I've had very good news each time. But, I'm post traumatic stress sister and nearly need adivan to walk in the door. Will this end?

My Luna Yoga class is going well. I teach on Wed mornings and have had a small group show up each class. It's terrifying and wonderful. The owner of the studio came to my last class and gave me excellent feedback. It feels good.

This weekend is Celia's 5th birthday. My baby! I can't believe it.