A Nice Cleanse

I have been in my element. I love doing life...the holidays, food for family and friends, joy, laughter, decorations. The ritual of this time also appeals to my genetically predispositions love of religion. I love that the virgin son was born in the manger...alleluia, the angel said. For unto us...god was born. On earth.

Ok, that's all wonderful. But another less talked about part of my yearly ritual is gearing up for and enjoying a cleanse. It all starts for me with my yearly gift of a Carol's Daughter sea salt, cleansing regime. I've done Ocean (blue), the purple one...what's it called... a couple of years but this year I went for Groove. Kinda goes with the Saraswati vibe...I'm tripping...I know. Groove is this beautiful deep luscious brick red that you massage over the body, scrubbing with love, but a full on exfoliating just enough to feel good while enfusing your pores with the richest oil and sents of perfection to stay and linger or rub off against something or someone sweet. That's another blog. But, I love this start of the new year. And this year is no exception.

When I start talking about cleansing it always makes it's way to the internal cleanse. People who've not done a full blown (no pun!) cleanse are always VERY curious. Have you actually done enemas? You betcha baby. I did a two week cleansing fast once. It's the longest I've gone and I did coffee and various other enemas to help clean out that end and I drank different juices and waters and took supplements to clean from the other end. (warning: if you aren't aware yet this blog is going to get graphic) I cleaned out what looked like meconium. I never felt better in my life, I might add. So, I'm starting the process. I'm eating less of everything but most importantly...eating less of the stuff that hangs out in the colon. Meat, animal products,...I'm want to get clean inside and out.

If you want more info on cleansing check out my sister at Crazy Sexy Cancer There is an entry about wheat grass that's worth the read.

I also want to plug Carol's Daughter again. I stocked up on her awesome products and have fallen in love with all her stuff again. I was given a gift of some of her stuff around 5-6 years ago and look forward to my yearly supply. Some of you might know that I have some crazy hair for a white girl. Now, I want you all to know that I look like a short Maude with Elizabeth Taylor eyes. Shocking gray hair that is thick and curly,...did I mention thick. After being bald, I'm now trying to grow it into something presentable but it grows out like a chia pet until it hits a certain weight and it takes forever to get there. So, what do I use...Carol's Daughter's products. I love her hair milk, to keep the frizz down. I also love her shampoo and stay in Black Vanilla spray conditioner. If I want the slick sophisticated look I'll work in some Kizy and then spray with the tui jojoba hair sheen.

Well, I'm off to the chiropractor.

Stay clean, my friends!

...and away we go

Giddy Up, partners, 'cause we're on this crazy ride called life.
With only one reality, one God. We've got to let go of illusion.
The illusion that causes fear of aloneness.
The illusion of death.
The illusion of relationships--love.
These things are not real.
Come aboard my chariot, Krishna, and remind me throughout the battlefield of life.
That you are God, I am God, there is only God.
Always focus there first and when I forget, I trust that God, you will come into my life in the perfect form to teach me and remind me.
Thank you.

I'm studying the Bhagavad Gita.
I talked to my teacher and told her how I felt...very quickly we were able to move on to a deeper reality. I'll go in and teach my classes. All is well.

I'm working and busy with life. 'tis the season.

self centered dribble

I am not opposed to discipline. In fact, I may need some. However, it comes at a time when I'm at the cusp...what I mean is...I'm just entering the world, the worldly world... of people not stricken with the fear and effects of cancer, not touching death. I was so sick and really thought that I may die,...if not from the cancer than from the cancer treatment. Not only did I think I could die from this but those close to me thought I may too. I recovered my physical health...I feel healthy. I can do everything physically. I've recovered a lot of my mental health too. I'm living...not stricken with the fear of death/cancer. I live. I meditate. I am connected to reality. I am the divine. But, what I've resisted, what I've only stuck my big toe into is the ocean of life that is worldly. The world of expectations, critisism, miscommunication, schedules, work, evaluation, blame, false ego,...do I want to be grounded in the worldly or the world? I ask myself.

I've talked to a number of people that I thought may give me some wisdom in what happenned over the weekend. The responces ranged from calling my teacher names to saying my teacher knows best and I need to be disciplined. I respect all of this. I think there are two issues...one: I didn't do my best and two: my teacher acted inappropriately.

And it gets worse. I got called to pick up Rachel at school today. She was sick and only made it through homeroom. I went to get her, came home and got her settled and preseeded to forget that I was to meet with a client at 10am. I called at 10:30 and told her the story. She was pissed. I asked if she wanted to reschedule and she said that she had a busy week and she'd call me. "I've been asked to work a few hours each day at the bakery. AND I'm meeting with blahdy-blah." Blahdy-blah, I think, is another doula in the area. She was trying to show/tell me that I'd been evaluated...not showing up on time, calling 1/2 hour late, not respectful...and I'd failed the first test.

Let's go back...pre-cancer.

Me Pre-cancer=
always on time
always perfect (or so I thought)
gave more than I needed
type A
over achiever
miserable
angry
bitch

Me Post-cancer=
late
not perfect
selfish
not capable
no memory (thanks to chemo--another reason for 3x5 card)
calm
content
loving

Why? There is no simple answer. But here are my thoughts. Oh, and who would you rather hire? Who do you want in your life? Who do you want as a friend? Mother? I'm really trying to be honest with myself here.

So, I'm here... In this unfamiliar place trying to find my way and find my place in the world. All of this will settle into place,...of that I'm sure.

I just got a call from a woman I helped 5 months ago. She wanted to thank me for my help and tell me that her and her son went on to have a super breastfeeding relationship. Maybe I am capable but damn, I'm so much more vulnerable now.

This is truly dribble...I never answered the question...why? Why am I so different and is it possible to be "perfect" and happy? I don't have an answer. I'm going off today to meet with a postpartum client and I'm going to do my very best, that's what I know.

Guts

Thursday Celia started throwing up. Poor baby. I had to pick her up from school and then she just vomited all night. In the middle of the night my twin client called and she was bleeding. I spent all day and night Friday with her. One baby born vaginally with forceps, one baby c-sec. It was a long and emotional day. Then Sat I went to my teacher training where I was told that we'd have our teaching practicum the next day. I'd be teaching a segment and we were told that this was our time to "show her what we've got". I was extremely nervous and felt enormous pressure. I would go first. I spent some time Sat night preparing and making a 3x5 card of what I would do with notes on what I wanted to say. Then I put together Erin's birthday present. Sunday was her birthday and she asked for tree frogs. I arrived Sun morning, leaving my birthday girl, to the studio a blaze with hustle and bustle and nervous energy. Everyone was stressed. It was two minutes before I was to start, I got my 3x5 card and was told that we couldn't have notes. Breathe. While I was teaching I remember the moment that I choose to do this particular pose. It just happened. And I remember thinking...I'm doing this pose...I wasn't planning on doing this but it feels like I should do this. So, I went for it. Then I was done. The day continued. I was the student for two classes. Jolie gave me information on the office as I'll be starting to teach at the studio in a few weeks. This is all feeling very awkward already, I might add. I'm being tested but I've already been hired by the studio. AND I'm not feeling my best. I don't say anything about this and don't even want to tell you, my 1-2 blog readers because I hate being a whiner. So the day finally ends she has us get into a circle and then she proceeds to tell us a story about "failing" her driving test and the moral is that she became a better driver by this experience. I'm feeling uneasy. My gut is telling me something. The tension rises, the moment comes..."Barb!", she proceeds to rip into me, going on and on at length, too much, I get the point immediately that the pose I choose to do at the last minute...the one that just felt right was a dangerous pose and I didn't give people an alternative pose. She is going on and on about this "failure" in front of everyone and with a loud voice and aggressive body language. My gut is churning. I don't know what to do. I haven't any clue how to react. My gut is churning...I breathe and try to calm myself. Nothing is working. I don't want to be here in this moment. Then she starts into someone else. This brings me relief at first and then I notice that the person she's ripping into is crying, she can't stop, she keeps crying. It's getting worse. I'm no longer relieved I'm starting to feel angry.
Breathe. She moves on to the next person much to slowly...she's destroyed the poor crying woman. Why won't she stop? She rips into the other woman. My gut is doing somersaults. I need to leave this situation. I want to be out of there. At some point she actually said, "It would be so much easier to not do anything. This is very hard for me.". What did she just say?...this hurts me more than it hurts you. Isn't that what parents have been known to say as they're spanking their children?


Finally, I leave...if I can just get out of the studio without having to talk to anyone. I'm out. I sit in the car and allow the feelings to rush out. I'm so humiliated and hurt. Not because I don't welcome the opportunity to have to do it again...I wasn't feeling my best and wanted to teach it over anyway. I'm humiliated and hurt because the way she did this was completely insensitive and hurtful. It was inappropriate. I can't believe that I've had to sit through this humiliation . I've never had this form of negative feedback in a room filled with people.

I come home...my parents are here...Joanie's girl's spent the weekend and they are over...their dad is here too. We're having Erin's birthday dinner with cake. I spend the evening talking to Joel about Joannie...her funeral, his memories. We cry and laugh. I miss her.

Finally, I go to sleep and I contemplate what happened at the studio. But, not for long...Rachel starts throwing up.

The Mind is a Butterfly

There is a memoir about a man who is conscious in his shell of a body after a coma at 42 years old. He learns to live without a body, with only a consciousness. Only his thoughts, imagination and a Buddhist sense of order to the mind. Indeed, what we all have to work with to find the truth which is present in each of our simple, finicky, selfish, pathetic and most beautiful minds. We all are drawn through a vortex called life to this thing called GOD, the almighty connection to all. It is frightening and we resist often, pulling back at times because the awe of it can take your breath away...literally. A part of you dies. Letting go is hard to do. If you don't get it this lifetime, ... well, pick your religion. And ask the question. Will you have another chance? As a person or cow? Will you burn in hell? Or heaven? What is it that will bring us to God. What will drop YOU to your knees. I was described in the past as a pit bull. Tough. In my life, there was only one thing to bring me to my knees and thank God it was only cancer. From this humbling place I've come to know God.
Back to the memoir...The Diving Bell and the Butterfly It has just been made into a movie and the director won at Cannes. I can't wait to see this movie.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

I've been pondering this lately. I've come out of "cancer" a different person. I'm not quick to anger but I also will not play in unreality. If I engage in behavior or thoughts that aren't real...for instance, taking blame and being apologetic for the sake of peace it is just as bad as being quick to anger. It is unhealthy. Being clear and forthright without anger or malace (I'm talking about when there is conflict or inappropriate behavior going on in others around me)and simply stating the reality of the situation without emotion is a healthy responce. In other words, I'm not a crazy angry bitch anymore but that doesn't mean I'm not going to call you on shit.

7 Random Hatha Mama Moments

1. My third daughter was born in the cul. I remember being confused when my bag of waters was bulging out of me but then Celia's head was born into the bag, under water in the birth pool in my bedroom. I will never forget the joy when she was first born. Paul was in the pool with me. He was supporting me from behind and my other two daughters were looking on. The midwife snapped pictures and I birthed my baby right on to my chest.

2. My third daughter is laying next to me in bed, breathing the sweet sound of childhood. She's nearly 5. She is still my baby. I sit with the laptop and type this out.

3. My father worked at a nuclear power plant and once when I was in highschool he came home in a paper suit after being contaminated. They had taken all his clothes and scrubbed him raw. Later, he sued them because it was the company's fault and they're team of lawyers would make my dad feel like shit every time he went to court. He would come home and say...I just want an apology. He never got one but did get a lame settlement that probably just paid their bills for a few months.

4. I saw a number of Quetzales in Guatemala. They are the most amazing birds. In fact, somewhere I have a lifetime bird list where I keep track of all the birds I've seen in the wild.

I've seen ptarmigan in Alaska and nearly every raptor in North America. In the early eighties I worked on the border of a Condor refuge and got to see a live California Condor in the wild.

5. This is my oldest daughter's EIGHTH year in the Nutcracker. I worked back stage today and will work all weekend. She's totally psyched because the winner of "So You Think You Can Dance", Sabra and the runner up from Buffalo, Neil are doing the Pasa Doble at this production.

6. I once visited a friend who was dying. I was alone with her in the room and I didn't know what to do. She was drugged and not "in" her body. She wasn't really conscious. I talked to her and then held her hand. I then started rubbing and caressing her hand and she flinched and tried to pull her hand away. I guess even unconscious she was able to get her point across. Stop touching me. I have an aunt who's biggest fear is that she'll lose her ability to communicate and someone will think it's a good idea to do some pet therapy with her. She hates animals.

7. Two days ago I was at a teacher's meeting at the yoga studio that I'm working at. I'll be teaching three classes. I can't believe it. When I choose the name for this blog, I was nervous that it might be presumptuous. I wasn't a yoga instructor, I didn't have a regular home practice. I just knew that it was where I wanted to be. And now I'm here. I just made space for it.

My new friend at Living Out LOUD shot this challenge of 7 random moments at me. Thanks Mango Mama.

Doula Joy

Today I reconnected with a beautiful couple and their new baby. I was invited to attend the birth of their daughter and they each truly touched my heart and made me better some how. I'm in general, awed by the power of birth (see my dear friend's post for a great description of DOULA) and each birth I'm honored to attend brings me closer to the divine, sweet nectar of our GOD, present in each of our hearts, made real by love and witnessed in the creation of life. I honor birth and thus am a doula. With loving kindness I want to be in this world and assist to make loving kindness present at the moment of birth. I want to lead the genuflection at the miracal and strength of women and the birth process.

Namaste' I say.

This beautiful couple has gone on to become loving and kind and dedicated parents and they teach me in the process. My world gives me so much. And I trust in all that comes into my path, open to all that God is, I make space for that, the truth.

Asato ma, Sat Gamaya.
Tomaso ma, Jyotir Gamaya.

Today I pray for Irus, Gregor and Ariel.

Training the Yogini

Saraswati the Goddess of
Creativity, Language.
Protect this thing that I’ve
Cultivated, Learned

This thing so precious, so fragile
The connection to the divine through
Art, Music, Words and Clay
You’ve taught me, the mother
Who wouldn’t choose an
Earth Mother name
Concepts, Love
That are the essence of
Being a householder.

With joy I make my house a home.

This weekend was the EIGHTH weekend of my yoga teacher training. I have two more weekends left, including the graduation weekend. This was a tough weekend. The magic is gone and now it's just grinding through. We are very busy, practicing and doing and getting things done. There is lots of reading and writing and practicing yoga. And I just want to sleep and dream and meditate and get to know my mantra, play with it. I guess there will be time for that.

The teacher training this weekend focused on restorative/gentle yoga, teaching kids, relaxation techniques and the final asanas of the series of asanas that we are using... loosely based on Sivananda but a little more flowy and feminine/receptive. During the restorative part I was reminded of my yoga practice during cancer treatment. Last year at this time I was dealing with third degree burns from radiation. I've come a long way in a year but still I can be brought right back to some of the trauma. I was telling my class about my experiences with yoga at Gilda's Club. I was bald and I would take off my head wrap during yoga and be bald. It was a bold move because I didn't go bald in public at all except during yoga. During relaxation my yoga teacher put her hands under my neck and did a nice pull and massaged my bald head and I remember the tears and the emotions from that sweet gesture. I love yoga and being in the NOW but want to find the balance between the now and healing from the effects of my past.

joyous links

When I was a freshman in college, this is going BACK now...20 something years ago. My sister came to visit me in my dorm room. We were partying and I may have ate some "bad" mushrooms and I was tripping from the effects of these "off mushrooms". (Some fungus spores can do that...you have to be very careful!) Anyway, I remember that I was going off on a thread of consciousness...spouting the idea that everything is connected. I mean everything; we are all connected by something...to something. That there are links and connection. Everything is linked together. All people, thoughts, things, animals, plants, planets and emotions. Everything is linked and everything has an effect on everything else. It was an adolescent expression, I'm sure as I had very few life experiences to bounce this concept off of. But, I got something. I understood a fundamental concept.

I may have forgotten to honor this in my life of recent and now I see it clearly. I see the connection as a connection to the only thing that is REAL. Call it what you may...God, Buddha, Krishna, Mohammad, Jesus, the great consciousness. THIS is what connects us and IS us. The only reality beyond the body, mind, the thing that carries on when we die...the god consciousness. This is what holds us together linked by fate and circumstances and karma and whatever you want to call it...call it the web of life. What you do, think, feel are is connected to everything.

When I first moved here I heard the name...Eileen S. all the time. Everyone I met who found out what I did (birth/breastfeeding stuff)said I had to meet this woman. Today I had breakfast with her. I have dropped into this beautiful group of woman and am meant to be here doing exactly what I am doing. Thankfully I made space for the world to simply fall into place around me. All is well.

Saraswati

Last weekend was my mantra initiation. It was nice. The women in our group who had had their mantra initiation the year before were weird about it. At one point, a couple of the women came up and asked me if I'd had a vision. I told them I saw this beautiful rock, a large rock and a small mammal had chosen to poop right on top of it. Tee hee. They said, "Well, just wait.". And laughed like it was an inside joke. I've had no visions. I don't expect to have any visions. My life is full enough. I get a lot of information intuitively throughout my days and highly doubt that there will be a special vision now that I have a mantra. I've already had my visions about this process. And anyway the real miracle is that I got the laundry done today and I woke up and did my meditation and had a great yoga session and talked to the principal at Erin's school, and spoke to her teacher and to the school psychologist and my daughter's fine. Erin has attended two funerals this year. When we moved back to Buffalo our only friends were from my cancer support group. Both Danny and Joan had kids the same age as my kids and we invited them to our haunted house last halloween. I'm not sure I should mention the fact that two of the people that were at our spooktacular event.....DIED!!! AHHHhhhhhhh! You come at your own risk. Their spirits will be with us and we will honor them with the BEST haunted house fun party of the year tomorrow!! I’ll drink a drrrry martini in honor of Joan. In fact, I'll have a Guiness for Danny too. Cheers.

Erin has a new best friend in her 3rd grade class. She only knew one girl in her class at the beginning of the year but she was drawn to Victoria. She wanted to have a playdate with her but I've been travelling a lot lately....NYC and then FL...and it just hadn't happened. Last Wednesday Victoria's mom died of an aneurysm suddenly. Erin is fine. We've talked a lot about it. She's processing, dealing with her emotions surrounding it and we're coping. Is that a miracle? Is there a vision in that?

My children are absolutely amazing. These experiences, though tragic and horrible, have been incredible learning experiences. They have gained an empathy that many adults haven’t learned. They have a high emotional quotient. I would never wish these experiences on anyone but I’m grateful that my children know how to have feelings and express them and deal in a healthy way. Erin asked a lot of questions and was scared one night but I laid in bed with her, rubbed her back and listened. She seems ok.

Now our energy and thoughts and love are directed toward Victoria and her family.

Oh, I was given a spiritual name. I always wanted one. Saraswati. It's a really great name. I love it.

Saraswati

Old Friends and New Friends

I'm sitting in an airport with some time on my hands. I've been exploring the idea of grounding myself. I actually believe that in some ways the travelling in my life gives me an opportunity to quiet myself. I've always loved travel and I like the idea of living out of a suitcase. It's all I need, really. So, I sit grounded in an airport.

I went to Gilda's last week to toast to Joan. I started a little tradition in my cancer support group, that when someone dies I bring Guinness and we toast to the person. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Anyway, it was time to toast to Joan and of course, I wanted to be there. I hadn't been to group in awhile. It got difficult with after school activities and before that I was busy enjoying the summer and I just wanted to move on, I guess. I walked into the beautiful orange room at Gilda's where we meet and there were a number of new people with the stark look of cancer. I know this look very well. From the corner of the room from a woman I don't recognise at first, I hear, "Barb Haney?". My eyes meet this woman who has the battle scars of cancer and I realize I know her. "Kathy?", I say.

Kathy and I knew each other when I went to UB. She actually lived with me and Kay while we were at UB. She lives in my neighborhood. Walking distance. We've visited each other a few times. She hasn't got very good use of her right side due to the tumor. She's stopped the torture of treatment. I'm so happy to have her in my life. What a blessing.

Joan Morrissey

Joannie...joan you gave so much you were so big
a part of my life, will you ever know how much
I'm grateful to you
you taught me how to live with this diagnosis
to live to love to cry to be
I wanted to be around you
to hear what you had to say
to laugh
at the outrage
at the goofiness
at life
beautiful life
and now you are greater, bigger than your life
I see yellow, bright beautiful yellow
like the color of morning rays
I miss you already
my heart squeezes with sadness
for Gigi, Josie and Joel
but also for you
how strong, how bold to say goodbye
to know when it's time to leave
I love you, Joan

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/joanmorrissey

Autumn

Summer is coming to a close. The nights are cool and the days are bright and joyous. It brings back memories of my youth. Summer really does "end" with Labor Day weekend. School starts and the pools close and the sweaters come out and we transition. Transition to the cold and snowy Buffalo winter.

I've been living life so fully this summer. Playing, working, travelling and enjoying the freedom of health. I continue to see my cadre of doctors...and they continue to have an attitude of waiting for the shoe to drop...looking ever so closely for the illusive CANCER! I am a reluctant patient. I do everything that I need to...but in my time. I toyed with the idea of stopping my carcinogenic cancer medicine--tamoxifen. And would have stopped (in fact I did stop taking it) but my carefully scheduled appointment with my sweet oncologist...the fabulous Dr. Soniwala...came like clockwork and I was able to be talked down from the cliff. We've decided to take Tamoxifen for 2-3 years, not the 5 years that is often recommended. I'm ok with 2-3 years. It sits better with me. After switching care providers twice, I seem to be all covered. I have my radiology appts in place, my oncologist, my gynocologist (I see her often because tamoxifen increases risk of uterine cancer--ultrasounds every 6mo), my primary care doc, and last but certainly not least my therapist. I'm not seeing her as frequently. She is a cancer therapist and I want to be done with cancer but I know her and CAN if I need to call her up and see her at any moment. Enough with that. I try not to be a card carrying cancer survivor. I've taken my Roswell Cancer Center green card out of my wallet (this is the card that I swiped everytime I went for chemo, radiation or any appointment). I've taken my pink ribbon survivor magnet off the back of my car and I can go for days without mentioning cancer, even meeting people, there are people I'm meeting now who have no idea that I had cancer. Anyway, enough about that. It's over and now I'm trying to heal...really heal.

Sun at my back
Your words come to me
Illuminated from the Divine
Always have I known
But, never heard the words
Thirsting for more
Like Helen Keller after her first word—Water
I must communicate, live, work
Be in this place
A Place so precious and real
One strives to shorten their time in Maya
Bringing the pearls of Love
Bliss accompanying the Divine
Closer together
Each moment being present
Avoiding the cancer of the past
The death in the future
Loving God now
Oh, Sun illuminate, make clear,
My path with a constant faith

Ashram

I'm going to the Sivinanda Yoga Ranch in the Catskills. It's an Ashram. I'll be there for NINE days. Ahh, nine days at an ashram, so much better than nine days at an asylum. I can't wait. I'm giddy...in between packing for Rachel to go to Chatauqua Ballet Camp and the two little ones to got to their respective camps. I will not have e-mail, tv, phone (well, I will have my cell phone, in case), no meat, no caffeine, no alcohol, no garlic even. Just yoga, chanting, meditating, karma yoga and satsang. Oh, joy. I will be completely blissed.

I leave on Fri and return the following Sun. :)

More Random Thoughts

So, it's been a year since we moved into this house. I struggle with patience in making this house completely our home. I realize that for much of this year I wasn't living in this house but instead, I was just barely surviving but I sometimes feel bad that the bathroom faucet still needs to be replaced (the faucet is under the sink, btw), the rooms still need paint, we want to replace carpeting, etc, etc, etc. The list is very long. We've done a lot in the few months that I've been a participating member of the family--landscaped some, dug a trench and insulated, built a window seat, started painting Celia's room, ripped out a wall and unpacked. Remember I started chemo 10 days after moving into this house (check out post from one year ago- I'm grateful, so grateful for where I am). Oh, sometimes I mourn the lost days. I've done so much more in these two short weeks since school let out then I did in the entire summer and fall. I was out of it. I've come so far but sometimes I feel bad. Especially because few people know what I've been through unless I tell them, and I still sometimes judge myself based on others. I end and you begin...you end and I begin. What someone thinks of me, my home, my family has nothing to do with me. You end and I begin...yet we are connected on a level that does not have anything to do with things or thoughts but rather a deeper connection. I choose compassion. There was a time when I choose anger, confrontation, stress, judgement--as my MO. So many in our world do. Being busy can seem a badge of honor but what really matters is nothing about those thoughts or the things in our life. What matters is that we take the time to tell and show the people who matter in our lives,a nd that includes the self for how can we love others without first loving ourselves, that we support and love them. I love you all and I hope you feel it.

Random Thoughts

Perhaps it's the child's joy that bothers him so. Refined and learned he observes the painting listening to the commentary, pursing his lips in approval or disapproval for all is either right or wrong, good or bad,...the pain can be overwhelming and when it becomes so bad the reward is defeatism. He ain't got a way to let that valve, pressure valve release. I observe this as a stranger, watching the man I don't know down the hallways of the museum. Though I've seen him or those like him everyday in every city I've ever been. They roam the earth bitter and pungent settling in their homes and growing roots only long enough to hold on. They protect themselves with thorns and vines of judgement and negativity.

I open my home and heart and remember compassion. Love makes everything alive and conscious. You have to have love and give love and when you don't and choose bitterness and find yourself taking it out on the world it hurts us all ... our only defence and offence is to love. Love every angry, bitter, negative statement as a mother loves her ill behaved child at the toddler's birthday party. Because they are only children, asleep to a greater consciousness.

Chicago

I've been in Chicago the last four days exhibiting for Lansinoh at the American College of Nurse Midwives Conference. It's been exciting and interesting and exhausting. I miss my kids too.

Last night I went out with one of the women I work with. We had a super meal and drank a bottle of wine after having a couple of drinks during happy hour. I was very "happy" yesterday but a little not-so-happy today. I need a nap. I do so enjoy travelling. It feeds my soul.

For those keeping track the yogic ethical principal of the month is Satya or Truthfulness.

"Satya is a Sanskrit word that loosely translates into English as "truth" or "correct." It is a term of power due to its purity and meaning and has become the emblem of many peaceful social movements, particularly those centered on social justice, environmentalism and vegetarianism.

Satya is also defined in Sanskrit as "sate hitam satyam" which translates to "All that takes you closer to sat (i.e. almighty god) is satya (i.e. the real truth)". This implies that all that which may seem to be true but on deeper investigation does not take us closer to god is not satya.

Hence all the deeds, words, and wisdom that takes closer to the almighty are the truth."

This is difficult. Especially in my efforts to become a part of a new company, meeting new people and new ways of working. I struggle with keeping the concept of Satya pure. Oh, and here's the truth...I love meat. I had a juicy, bloody steak yesterday and it was GREAT. Oh, how to reconcile my very contradictory life.

Mother's Day

I've had an eventful week. I did the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I have lots of pictures and will probably do a blog just on that weekend. It was fun. There was one point where I was really choked up and that was moments before the survivors were asked to parade on stage after the walk. There is something about being around the women who really know it. Who have dealt with the feelings and fears of a life threatening disease and can live each day with joy and love in spite of it. Survivor. The word isn't something I feel altogether comfortable embracing. For two reasons. One, I don't think that the people that died from cancer aren't survivors. And two, I'm not so much a survivor from my ordeal as just a person who lives each day. I'm a liver. But, liver is not the right word either since it connotes a large internal organ. Anyway, we need a better language.

After the walk I went to Staunton, VA where I was a participant in a "little 'L' leadership and learning" workshop. It was amazing. It was presented by Marcia Conner who wrote the book Learn More Now. Great book. Super woman. This workshop is, I believe, an effort to help LLL as an organization grow and be better but the information presented could help any individual or group. Great stuff and I'm sure I'll include a post just on this in the future.

Now I'm in the middle of my yoga teacher training weekend. I'm learning a lot, thinking a lot and struggling with a couple of things. There is a dear woman who teaches us the Anatomy and Physiology section and her facilitating/teaching methods are the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard for me. She reads her handouts to us, among other things. I struggle with how to deal with this. Also, it's not clear what we need the information for exactly. Most of it I have an understanding of because of my IBCLC and doula background, not to mention my intimate knowledge of cancer and it's physiology. So, when we're given I broad view of the lymphatic system, for example, presented in a way that makes me feel physically ill (a slight exaggeration), I want to know exactly what you want me to do with this info. Later in the training Felicitas eluded that we'd have a test at the end of the training. Crap. Does that mean I'm going to have to reread the notes that the instructor spent an hour reading to me that I chose to ignore because it was too painful not to? We'll see.

More later...I'm being pampered now. Breakfast in bed. I love my kids. I have to take a picture of the card that Erin gave me. So cute. I have white and black yarn hair!

Peace and Love to all.

night sea journey

I'm enjoying the Yoga Teacher Training. I didn't think I'd ever go to school again...well, that's what I get for thinking. The cool thing about this training is that it allows me to practice and remember...all that I've learned this year. I'm also doing lots of reading which helps define the awakening or journey. Jung talks about the "night sea journey" that place where awakening or enlightenment comes from. I want to change my language. I'm done saying "cancer". I went on a night sea journey. Doesn't that sound wonderful. I feel that too. How lucky am I to have gone through my night sea journey?

night sea journey

Om, om, om.

Ahimsa

After the teacher training, I caught a flight to DC to meet with Lansinoh. I'm so happy that this beautiful company dedicated to breastfeeding mothers and babies came into my life. I love all the women I'll be working with and I couldn't ask for a better way to come back into my professional life that I love so dearly with this company. I landed in DC to the news of the VA Tech shooting...sweet ole' tech forever tarnished and saddened by this horrific and incomprehensible act. Breathe. The woman who sat next to me at the airport who brought forth a racial comment into the air between us, it made me sad and hurt, told me about the shooting. I was so close, in fact I rested in a place of violence in my heart with her—disgust, disdain. Subtle, in comparison to the horrific acts witnessed this week but none the less a place of anger, judgement, and non-compassion. And then tired and drained from a funeral, two day yoga event, first day back into my professional life and reactions of anger, judgement and non-compassion in the face of a deranged killer. This Ahimsa isn't easy and it's not about the meat!

Om Tryambhakam Yajamahe
Sugandim Pushtivardhanam
Urvarukamiva Bandhanan
Mrityor Mukshira Maamritat


Who is it that loves?

"Who is it that loves and who that suffers?

He alone stages a play with Himself.

The individual suffers because he perceives duality.

Find the One everywhere and in everything

and there will be an end to pain and suffering."
Sri Sri Anandamayi Ma

There is only one thing that IS non-violence and it is LOVE. Love freely to all...non-judgement, with complete compassion for all and for all of oneself. Love our perceived flaws, embrace all that is about us...there is no good nor bad there IS. It is and we choose to bounce within our minds back and forth between choosing good or bad. It is a coping mechanism passed down within our culture...that duality is but a short step from enlightenment.

It is how we interact within the pain of deep tragedy...it is a comfortable zone to react. I was driving with my dearest friend as the details of the tragedy unfolded before us on WPFW in DC traffic. We were shocked, frightened and deeply pained by what we heard. "The shooter, it has been confirmed has committed suicide at the scene." My words rung out and I felt the emotional judgment instantly..."COWARD!" But, it felt right to fill the silence with a base emotion that we could connect to in a way that would keep us from leaning into the point, the sharp point of sadness that this one individual impressed upon so many in a short violent instance. Later my friend had a similar reaction to the questionable choices of Bush. We were able to recognize our reactions and communicate the difficulty in being of the world...to be centered in the business and complications of life.

Ahimsa....

Yoga Teacher Training

I started my YTT yesterday. It was a long day of listening and trying to be open to the process. Unfortunately, what I need, my body, my soul is to close myself off and mourn. I was a little too open to the process yesterday. It was the first day and I didn't want to seem like a cold, bi-atch so, I chatted about my life, my cancer, my treatment, and gave a bit too much before I knew it. There is such a careful balance to all systems in our body and finding the perfect amount of opening and closing under emotional situations is difficult for the best of us. My prayer going into the training today will be that a bubble of light and energy surround me and protect me from all the emotion and life that is in the room and with me on this journey; I imagine a veil of gauze between me and everyone, I can see out and they can see in but it is a subtle protection.

I now know why I've been drawn to the writing and life of Sri Sri Anandamayi Ma. I think that there is a very strong connection between her and Felicitas (the owner of the yoga studio and my teacher at this training) and I was drawn to Felicitas through my admiration and love toward Ma (Sri Anandamayi Ma). Felicitas told a story about her name and though I knew her name meant happiness I didn't know that it was translated to the sanskrit Anandamay or Joy/Bliss. Life is full of connections. I will include a poem of Ma's and a picture.


"Joys and sorrows are time-born and cannot last.

Therefore, do not be perturbed by these.

The greater the difficulties and obstructions,

the more intense will be your endeavour to cling to His feet

and the more will your prayer increase from within.

And when the time is ripe,

you will gain mastery over this power."
Sri Sri Anandamayi Ma

Call at the Museum Today

Danny died. He is a kind and gentle soul. He leaves behind his beautiful wife Julie and wonderful children Ava, Will and John. Danny was in my group at Gilda's Club. His kids go to school with my kids at Smallwood. I am so sad for his family.

Breathe.

Living each moment.

In kindness and compassion and love.

Being truthful.

Connecting to that which is greater than this body.

In Humor, in joy.

In Peace.

Om,shanti,shanti,shanti.

Good Friday

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate, he suffered, died and was buried. On the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead. And his kingdom will have no end.

one year

On March 31st, one year ago, Dr. Eisner called me and said, "I'm sorry but you have cancer". This picture is a of the note I wrote while on the phone with him. Just the facts. Now, one year later, I'm left with the scars from surgery and the scars from the ver intence emotional injury that I endured in an effort to be treated for cancer.

I just can't shake it off my back yet. It's still such a presence in my life.

It feels similar to how I felt when I returned from the Peace Corps after 2.25 years in Guatemala. The culture shock of entering into the first world again. I find it hard to enter into light conversations. I just want to be alone, pull the covers over my head and sleep. However, I'm not doing that. Instead, I'm taking on new jobs and projects that I'm excited by hoping that it will help shake the cancer off me.

On the anniversary of my diagnosis I cried. I wept. I couldn't stop. Paul held me and I cried, really cried for the first time in months.

I will be fine and so will you all. We need to just get on with the business of living and stop preparing to die.

Ahh, sweet vacation!

We went to Florida. The kids, Paul and I got on a plane and flew to Orlando. We spent two days at Universal, which was super cool. The rides were fantastic for all our different age groups. Then we went to Disney's Pirates and Princess Party, which was fun but not as fun. We were starting to get tired and Disney is just not as comfortable as Universal. It's a bit older and you can't drink a beer anywhere. So, all the parents were a little cranky.

Then we went to my in-laws. I was a little nervous about this trip because they weren't really involved during the tough chemo/radiation treatment part of our family's life. I was hurt and kinda offended that they didn't call or write or take an emotional interest. Over the course of my visit, I realized that there wasn't any malevolent cause. They just are caught up in their own lives. And my mil is just in her own moment. It was a lesson to me. I get hyper involved in my own and other people's drama. Maybe that's ok to not let other people's drama involve you. And why should I care what she thinks. It actually felt good to spend time with them.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the trip.

Yeah

I was melencholic. I ended up crying for a few days. I just had a deep and overwhelming sadness that needed to release. I have just woke up from a nightmare. I found a picture of me and Celia. I think it was taken a few months before I was diagnosed. She is nursing from my left breast. My breast that now has a big chunk taken out of it and has been radiated 30 times with whopper gamma rays. I'm so happy to be where I am but do love to look at that picture taken just prior to the nightmare.

Thanks be to God

I'm rather melancholic today. Seems as though I've woke up from a dream, a nightmare but I have that lingering sadness or fear from a night of fowl dreams. I'm sure it will subside but I want to acknowledge it.

We went to church yesterday for the first time in a while. We felt obligated since Erin will be celebrating her First Penance in a few weeks. We've been sending the kids off to Religious Education but not attending mass. Yes, we're catholic. This is how it happened. I was brought up by hippies and had no formal religious teaching though we did attend a Presbyterian church for a short time when I was in elementary school. I then attended church with a friend's family in high school. I was drawn to learning about religion and spirituality. I was even voted "most philosophical" in high school, whatever that means. When I went to college I became a Buddhist. I chanted nam myoho renge kyo and subscribed to the devotion of the mystic law of cause and effect. But, there was a disconnect for me because the religion was tied up in the culture of Japanese Buddhism. I couldn't completely relate. I married Paul, a professed atheist brought up in a catholic family. We were married by a JOP and didn't think much about religion until we were in the Peace Corps and surrounded by a surreal mix of Catholicism and Mayan tradition. It was amazing. We started attending church and I became connected to Catholicism from a religious and cultural stand point. My peops were Irish Catholic. And then we went to Esquipulus a small town on the Guatemala and El Salvador border. The town's church has the statue Jesus Negro or the Black Jesus. It is a statue known for granting miracles. We watched as people crawled on their knees from the town's border to the church. It was an incredible spectacle. And it was there in that church that both Paul and I had a palpable sense of God. A month later I became pregnant with Rachel and during my pregnancy I attended RCIA (Roman Catholic Initiation for Adults) classes with Father Tito in Norwich, CT. Father Tito was an amazing man and true saint. Paul and I were remarried in the church and all our children have been given Catholicism as their base for spirituality. I know that many people have problems with "the church" and there are times when I do too but the fundamental teachings are profound and resonate with me. I continue to connect with the energies and teachings of other spiritual leaders and religions but am Catholic. Don't be frightened. I'm still a HathaMama. I still meditate each day in an effort to quiet the mind. I do yoga and believe in power of chanting Om and I bow to you with respect--Namaste.

still snowy

I couldn't figure out how to upload a song onto my website. But, please check the song out. It's on Putumayo Presents ONE WORLD, MANY CULTURES

I am well and continue to enjoy one day at a time.

we miss you molly

OK, so sometimes I want to play in the land of da Nile. What's wrong with that? Just a day or two pretending there is no such word as the word that must not be named...begins with c....shhhhhhhh! So I'm trying to frolic on the shores of da Nile when I hear that Molly Ivins dies. I'm really sad over this for a number of reasons that I'll get to later.

then...I tried to escape at the JCC where we are new members and I'm trying to get in shape. Three miles on the treadmill was my limit. I am so out of shape. Anyway, on the TV in front of my treadmill...2 times in the 45 minutes I was huffing through my 3 miles...there was that commercial with the guy who is dying from lung cancer and he's talking about missing his sons and then it says he's been dead since 1991. For some reason, I thought he was still alive and that little thing just nearly threw me off the back of my treadmill going at a snails pace. Cancer sucks. I've seen the t-shirts and I always thought I'd wear the ribbons before I wore the pissed off cancer sucks paraphernalia. But, I'm seriously considering tattooing something dark like...cancer sucks...next to my cancer fairy or whatever I get.

I need to start thinking about my next tattoo which will commemorate my cancer journey. I didn't expect to get another so soon. I have one that I got when I got married...sunshine on my shoulder. Another commemorating the end of childbearing...a Celtic circle with 3 intertwining images with a colored dot representing my 3 girls. I have no idea what image would best encompass this journey...my aunt wanted me to get a pink ribbon and she wanted one too. I was repulsed at the thought of tattooing a pink ribbon on my body. That would feel to much like "claiming the cancer" to me. No offence to my aunt or anyone else that tats a pink ribbon on their flesh. It's just not for me.

OK, back to Molly Ivins who had INFLAMMATORY BREAST CANCER. Yes, I said INFLAMMATORY BREAST CANCER (IBC). This is a rare but VERY aggressive form of breast cancer. There is NO cure. There is keeping it at bay for awhile...sometimes a long while...sometimes a short while...but NO cure. Every woman and husband and sister and mother and brother should know what this disease is and how it effects entirely too many families.

:::::breathe::::

Molly Ivins' last article

link to article

Enough is Enough
By Molly Ivins
The Texas Observer
Friday 26 January 2007
Stop it. Now.
The purpose of this old-fashioned newspaper crusade to stop the war is not to make George W. Bush look like the dumbest president ever. People have done dumber things. What were they thinking when they bought into the Bay of Pigs fiasco? How dumb was the Suez war? How massively stupid was the entire war in Vietnam? Even at that, the challenge with this misbegotten adventure is that WE simply cannot let it continue.
It is not a matter of whether we are losing or will lose. We have lost. Gen. John P. Abizaid, until recently the senior commander in the Middle East, insists that the answer to our problems there is not military. "You have to internationalize the problem. You have to attack it diplomatically, geostrategically," he says.
His assessment is supported by Gen. George W. Casey Jr., the senior American commander in Iraq, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who recommend sending more forces only if there is a clear definition of their goals.
Bush's call for a "surge" also goes against the Iraq Study Group. Talk is that the White House has planned to do anything but what the group suggested after months of investigation based on much broader strategic implications.
About the only politician out there besides Bush calling for a surge is Sen. John McCain. In a recent opinion piece, he wrote: "The presence of additional coalition forces would allow the Iraqi government to do what it cannot accomplish today on its own-impose its rule throughout the country ... By surging troops and bringing security to Baghdad and other areas, we will give the Iraqis the best possible chance to succeed." With all due respect to the senator from Arizona, that ship has long since sailed.
A surge is not acceptable to the people in this country - we have voted overwhelmingly against this war at the polls and in the polls. (About 80 percent of the public is against escalation, and a recent Military Times poll shows only 38 percent of active military want more troops sent.) We know this is wrong. The people understand, the people have the right to make this decision, and the people have the obligation to make sure our will is implemented.
Congress must work for the people in the resolution of this fiasco. Sen. Ted Kennedy's proposal to control the money and tighten oversight is a welcome first step. If Republicans want to continue to rubber-stamp this administration's idiotic "plans" and go against the will of the people, they should be thrown out as soon as possible, to join their recently departed colleagues.
Anyone who wants to talk knowledgeably about our Iraq misadventure should pick up Rajiv Chandrasekaran's Imperial Life in the Emerald City: Inside Iraq's Green Zone. It's like reading a horror novel. You just want to put your face down and moan: How could we have let this happen? How could we have been so stupid?
As The Washington Post's review notes, Chandrasekaran's book "methodically documents the baffling ineptitude that dominated U.S. attempts to influence Iraq's fiendish politics, rebuild the electrical grid, privatize the economy, run the oil industry, recruit expert staff or instill a modicum of normalcy to the lives of Iraqis."
We are the people who run this country. We are the deciders. And every single day, every single one of us needs to step outside and take some action to help stop this war. Raise hell. Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous. Make our troops know we're for them and trying to get them out of there. Hit the streets to protest Bush's proposed surge. If you can, go to the peace march in Washington on Jan. 27. We need people in the streets, banging pots and pans and demanding, "Stop it, now!"

You will be missed Molly!

Still is Still Movin'

Today I wore a different bra and had a ton more tinges. I hate those reminders that my breast was "microwaved" and is rubberized like a chicken breast.

I'm thinking a lot about a friend who is having some issues related to her cancer. I'm sending Betsy and her family tons of love and light. Also, my other friend Joanie got crappy news recently. Joanie inspires me and is one of the most beautiful people I know...lymphedema and all! ;) I love her and her family and hope to get together with her soon. Maybe sledding (the kids and men) and Joanie and I can have a hot toddies by the fire.

I'm loving a duet by Toots and the Maytals with Willie Nelson.

It's called... Still is Still Movin' To Me.

I'll try to get a copy of the song on the blog tomorrow. It's got a great reggae rhythm and it's my life. Life goes by quick sometimes and sometimes it's a raging river. Me I want to float down that river feet first within that busyness that raging and find the calm, the stillness within me...

snow

Buffalo is beautiful and cold and it just keeps snowing.

New Year

I haven't been motivated to write anything. I just felt that I wanted to breathe and not define anything with words. I went from finishing radiation to the excitement of christmas and the new year. When I wasn't busy with everyday life I wanted to breathe. I did write a new year letter to everyone but didn't send it. I still have gifts to send. I will.

Here's a copy of the letter I wrote...

Happy 2007!!!

Here’s an update from the H-C’s. This new year we celebrate the new house, the new schools, the new friends and the new Barb. But, like the song says, “Make new friends but keep the old…”, how grateful we are to our “old” friends, our family and all the angels that have come into our lives this year.

Rachel is on the Amherst U11 girl’s Travel Team for soccer. This is exciting. She is practicing all winter at a couple of indoor arenas (remember we’re in Buffalo) in preparation for the spring tournaments. She danced in the Nutcracker at the Center for the Arts at UB under the direction of Maris Battaglia, the woman who owns the studio where she takes ballet classes 3 days/week. She likes the new studio but will always have a place in her heart for the Reston Conservatory. She’s playing the flute and was asked to try out for the All County Band in January. She’s doing wonderfully in school and making friends and next year she’ll be attending Amherst Middle School. Wow.

Erin has had a smooth transition to the new school. She is in a wonderful class with a super teacher. She’s made some good friends and had a slumber party for her eighth birthday in December. She played soccer in the fall and looks forward to spring soccer too. She loves school and is doing great in all her subjects. She loves to play on the computer and got Nintendo DS for Christmas. She takes care of Stella and loves to take her for walks in our backyard and she keeps track of the wildlife that stops by our creek. She is happy and has hit her stride in all ways.

Celia is the life of the party as always. She goes to preschool 3 days/week at Audobon and has made some friends at school. She started taking ballet classes and loves it. She’s quite good and her teacher seems to enjoy her presence in the class. She also likes to visit Papu (my dad) on a regular basis, now that he’s retired. He has watched her quite a few times while I’ve visited my team of doctors and they’ve developed a very special relationship. We have just started to have fun during the day, now that I’m done with treatment and we look forward to visiting all the kid stops; museums, parks, and playplaces in 2007. She’s turning 4 on Jan. 13th.

Paul is happy in his changing role from primary caregiver for his ill wife and 3 children to environmental engineer at Ecology & Environment. He has some interesting projects he’s working on in various locations around the world. He took the Professional Engineer’s exam and is waiting for the results. He is looking forward to getting the canoe in the various creeks in Western New York in the New Year. And we’ve started some projects on the new house. He’s working on making the house more energy efficient now that we live in the “north country”. We continue to grow in love for one another. We’ve shared many adventures in the 16 years we’ve been together.

I am doing well. I’ve finished my daily trips to Roswell Cancer Center for radiation treatments. My hair is coming back after the effects of chemo. My energy level is returning and I’m so happy it’s 2007. I was diagnosed with breast cancer on March 31, 2006. That day was the beginning of the fight for my life, though I didn’t know it at the time. I could never imagine the journey that cancer would allow me to take. I’m changed. The girls (Rachel, Erin) and I went to Dreamgirls and loved it. In many ways I’m like Effie because I’m changing… “Look at me, Look at me. I am changing, trying every way I can. I am changing, I’ll be better than I am.” Cancer has changed me. I live every minute, every day differently. I only do things that make me better, that make my family better. I think differently and do things differently. I started doing the things that I love everyday because every day is a gift. I belong to a studio and spend time thinking about clay and throwing it on the wheel. I love it and it brings me joy. I have some other projects planned for next year and they are all exciting endeavors that will be about living stong! Livestrong. It is a message that took cancer for me to really understand. How grateful I am to be here now wishing you all a glorious New Year full of wonder and strength. I am so thankful that I am here, able to be spending time and visit with my very wonderful family—Mom, Dad, Meg, Hannah, Quinn, Barb, Dan, Gus, Rita, Mary Jane, Scott, Sarah, Nate and all the rest of my very large and loving family. I’m grateful for all of my family, new friends, and “old” friends. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me.

I’ll end with my prayer that you livestrong, as in the words of the Lance Armstong Foundation’s manifesto.

We believe in life.
Your life.
We believe in living every minute of it with every ounce of your being.
And that you must not let cancer take control of it.
We believe in energy: channeled and fierce.
We believe in focus: getting smart and living strong.
Unity is strength. Knowledge is power. Attitude is everything.

With Love and Joy and Peace,


Barb
for
the Family
Paul, Barb, Rachel, Erin and Celia